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Anger issues

(16 Posts)
bigchange Wed 24-Jun-15 22:58:03

So, it transpires after years & years of what I and other professionals thought was anxiety is actually deep down pure anger.

This shockingly came out a little while back after drinking too much & behaving appalling, shameful & I am now full of remorse. The consequences I have had to face for my disgusting behaviour has forced me to address this severe anger I am carrying.

Does anyone have experience of this? Anyone recommend the right way to manage such issues, the right form of therapy? Medication etc ...?

I am desperate to address this issue for the sake of my DS & of course myself.

Am feeling pretty low at the moment due to my hideous outburst that caused horrific consequences confused

logicalfallacy101 Thu 25-Jun-15 10:48:57

Big... Hi, didnt want to read and run. Look, its happened. It'll diminish in intensity. No one will be as hard on you as you are on yourself. Its better to be aware of what's going on inside your head than no awareness. Then you can deal with it. I have deep seated anger issues that have have masked themselves as anxiety. Its been accumulative over the years. Very very destructive. At this moment I'm overwhelmed. What I've been doing is keeping a journal of my mutterings. I've filled a book with them. When I read back through them, I cry, laugh, cringe and grimace. I've found it mildly cathartic. Dont know if it helps you? But I'll hold your hand, and if you don't suffer allergies you can have these flowers xx

NotAJammyDodger Thu 25-Jun-15 11:14:13

Anger in the right context is fine. However, when it becomes maladaptive it is destructive and damaging. Sometime the source of this rage is actually a defence mechanism (such as projection) against hurt or shame you may have experienced (consciously or unconsciously) earlier in life.

If you usually struggle with powerful feelings (rage, anger, bitterness, envy etc) drinking removes the inhibitions that stop you from projecting this rage onto others, and you find temporary relief in annihilating the perceived object of your anger in the here and now.
You feel shame because consciously you now recognise that your behaviour was wrong, or was unjustified / misdirected.

Meds may make assist to make you calmer but I think therapy is worth exploring. If your anger is being triggered by past events it can help. In the here and now, therapy could also help with managing your behaviour so you can avoid further creating situations which make you feel shame (e.g. angry outburst whilst drunk). Cutting down on drinking obviously would be helpful too. flowers

bigchange Thu 25-Jun-15 13:47:55

Thank you both for such great responses. Tears rolling!

I am going to explore counselling & without fail cut the drinking.

Very insightful description.

I think I may start a journal type thing to actually get it out & see where it stems from, at least a starting point.

Very much appreciated grin

logicalfallacy101 Fri 26-Jun-15 18:50:01

How are you today Big? Have to agree jammy dodger on what you said about anger. Something that I've learned recently, anger leaves you feeling vulnerable. If possible try and mentally take a step back from the issue. Breath through the initial emotions. Count up as you breath. Then reassess your situation. I am in the process of trying to think about my thought processes.

There's a video on youtube called the backward brain. Soz I cant link. Its insightful on how difficult it can be to rewire our brains. I also find videos by Brene Brown helpful. Maybe you already know about her. Take care poppet. Xx

captaincake Fri 26-Jun-15 18:56:12

Watching with interest as I have lots of anger from bad experiences and I have no idea how to move on.

bigchange Fri 26-Jun-15 19:54:22

I know for a fact I can never drink again after what happened. The alcohol just makes it 10000000% worse and of course the problem is still there.

Have registered for some counselling so hoping that's going to help me deal with it.

Thanks again for the response.

Have quite high anxiety today, just wish it would just go away confused

logicalfallacy101 Fri 26-Jun-15 21:38:29

Big I know why I drink. It numbs the pain. But I just fall asleep. Never drink out in public, incase I lose the plot. TBH....I dont need alcohol to lose it. Just a phonecall from my db asking to come visit causes me to meltdown. Came from an extremely narsisitic family. I unfortunately was the blacksheep of the family.

bigchange Fri 26-Jun-15 23:18:11

Logical I agree hmm but I did drink in public & had to face the horrific aftermath of my actions this week & a few weeks to follow.

I drink for the reasons Jammy has pointed out ..... It all makes sense but the PURE ANGER is still there.

Bloody fucking hell, I've fucked up so bad this time, my only choice is to seek some kind of help.

Sad as it sounds, I am glad I am not alone .....

Wish I could be more free & care free, worry less, but it eats at me .... literally

logicalfallacy101 Sat 27-Jun-15 10:01:57

Look Big....hope things less intense this sunny day. You haven't killed anybody. Just a few hundred brain cells. I'm not in your skin, so dont want to patronise or play armchair psychologist. We've all of us got cringeworthy events from our past! You've decided to become proactive (Sp?), just hang fire. Do something positive for yourself. If you can afford it go to hair dressers. Give yourself a pedicure.

If you can't face that, clean out a cupboard. Last week I colour coordinated my bra drawer. Should have done it years ago. I've finished my wardrobes. Simple little things, but they break the cycle of inner turmoil.

Is it possible to move if things are too intense? If nothing is tying you to where you live ATM. Sometimes in my life I've decided enough is enough and I've burnt some of my bridges. Im rambling now, so I'll stop. Please enjoy this lovely day. I wish I was with you, I'd give you a big old unmumsnet hug ((((((((star))))))))

NotAJammyDodger Sat 27-Jun-15 12:29:46

bigchange It hard to manage deep, primal emotions such as anger. Confronting them is so difficult. Well done you for registering for counselling. No, you most definitely aren't alone having a hard time with anger.

"Wish I could be more free & care free, worry less" - this is one of my objectives (of therapy) too. How do other people manage to be like this! (Note to self - another thing to beat myself up about; why can't I be 'normal' like them!)

Damn it. Logically I know what to do, so why do I still struggle with these emotions. It makes no sense, why am I self-sabotaging me?

My therapy has been a voyage into the unknown. I genuinely wasn't conscious of where my anger was coming from, and old habits dies hard! Can I be more carefree and not uptight like a wound spring, I think so. I know I am changing, and at emotional level. I'm still on my journey but am genuinely much happier than I was before I started.

Try to be kind to yourself over your drinking incident. You've made a positive step to start to address your anger.

In the here and now, distracting yourself is a good short-term solution - having too much time on your hands to ruminate and stew over things will make you more anxious and increase self recrimination opportunities.

NotAJammyDodger Sat 27-Jun-15 13:14:02

PS: An excellent book I have read a number of times during my journey is:

"Why Do I Do That?: Psychological Defense Mechanisms and the Hidden Ways They Shape Our Lives"

As it is about defence mechanisms it's therefore a psychodynamic approach. There are many approaches to therapy. This approach helped me, but equally other approaches have worked for other people. Each to their own.

logicalfallacy101 Sat 27-Jun-15 14:13:25

Big...You'll get lots of helpful advice here. Lots of recommendations re. books. I've had 4yrs. therapy as well as reading numerous self-help books. In fact I read so much, I lost/forgot who I am/wanted to be. No big deal now. Each day is a learning curve. But one book I highly recommend is The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. It's not a psychology book. It's a very short children's story. I downloaded it from Amazon for 49p. When I can't deal with how I feel I read it and read it. There's a wonderful convo between the rabbit and another children's toy in the nursery. It breaks my heart each time. But it really resonates with me.

logicalfallacy101 Sat 27-Jun-15 14:15:50

Infact, I'm going to switch to my kindle app, because I feel like a bubble.sad

bigchange Sat 27-Jun-15 23:27:48

Fantastic support. Thank you. It's going to be a journey I know confused

You both sound remarkable people & I've welcomed your advice each time I open this thread .....

Tomorrow is another day envy

NotAJammyDodger Sun 28-Jun-15 09:09:26

Best of luck! It's totally worth it! smile

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