I take it you have depression VulvaV - it's a torment isn't it. I think "wanting to disappear" is a very common symptom of moderate/severe depression. Sometimes I think I just want to keep running or driving away and somehow I will expire and that will be it - but of course it won't.....I think we just want the emotional pain to stop and somehow think we can get away from it, and that's what gives rise to suicidal thoughts too I think, which again are very common symptoms of depression.
Depression is a deceitful illness - it makes us feel we are worthless, and with me I feel guilty and ashamed that I am often a sobbing shaking mess and at other times right as rain. I think it can make us feel irritable and angry/frustrated and all sorts of emotions. As far as your DH is concerned I feel pretty sure it is the depression causing you these thoughts about not loving your DH. It's bloody hard to love (or even like) anyone when we are very depressed.
Are you getting help with meds/therapy.
My advice would be to put your feelings about your DH on the back burner until you are starting to recover from depression, although it's often a long and windy road, with so many stumbling blocks along the way, but w have to believe it will pass and there will be brighter times ahead.
Depression absolutely can make you feel like you don't love people that you normally do love. That's why psychiatrists and therapists often advise against making major life decisions whilst in a depressive episode. It can also make you feel like you are nt your real self and you can't remember what it feels like to be the real you. Or even who the real you is. When the depression lifts clarity will emerge, and you will remain your normal range of feelings and sense of self.
Are you getting treatment for your depression Vulva?
I'm on ADs but so up and down. I don't know who I am or what I want atm. Staying on these meds as may be ttc soon (not sure its a goid idea right now) and I went through a whole process of switching over for this purpose.
Keep thinking about taking some money and just driving off, how could I do that to DD?
Totally felt I didn't love anyone and my relationship with DH nosedived. Depression is a horrid illness. I totally love my DH but felt I didn't which made me more depressed.
Things started to right themselves after I started to get better. We did have couples therapy through because I felt that so much had happened to me, and poor DH was completely in the dark about why I was behaving so distant towards him. It helped us no end with communication (manly me not communicated how I feel and expecting him to guess!).
I felt like this at one point when my depression was really at a low point. Nothing had changed to make me feel like that, but actually once i started on antidepressants AND we made some massive changes, it all came back. Im now not on anything several years later and I still love my dp. I dont need antidepressants to love him lol, but it was a major low point for me, and it was to do with my MH, and not about my dp
If you are severely depressed, how can you feel all passion and love for someone? Tbh, I didnt even feel that strongly for my children at that point.
Also its worth mentioning that constantly obsessing about whether you do or dont love your partner, or obsessively monitoring your feelings etc can often be a part of OCD, or pure O
Hi Vulva maybe concentrate on getting you in a better place first. If you have recently changed over meds as TTC it may take some time to adjust to the new ones. I know when this was done with me my mood dropped a lots before it picked back up.
See how things go, and perhaps go back to your GP if your mood doesn't improve? Best wishes.
Been on the receiving end of this, and totally think it is part of the illness. As the 'well' partner it was really hard to deal with the lack of emotion from my depressed partner , but I know now yet the lack of emotion is all part of the illness. Hang on in there, it will get better!