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Struggling with head over this

(1 Post)
paintpot4 Thu 18-Jun-15 15:00:42

Hi.

I've been very physically ill - but not particularly with anything that most people would understand. It's been an awful combo of issues with thyroid, possible reaction to medication, joint issues and anaemia. The combo left me in extreme pain, very weak and actually very disabled. I am still processing what happened to my body. I suspect I was on too much thyroxine for a while and suffered some hyper issues. I've now been diagnosed with hypermobility syndrome but due to the thyroid and aneamia shit I don't know how far I will recover from that. It all went spectacularly out of control when I became pregnant. I now know I've been physically weak and slowly deteriorating from early pregnancy, hit an absolute physical low last autum- spring, and have just begun to be able to START functioning again recently.

I'm now returning to work - but in a way I'm forcing it a bit sooner than ideal. This is due to it being school based and so summer hols causing a gap.

I'm getting counselling (but actually CAT) as I really struggle emotionally to firstly approach drs (I keep g
struggling on till I collapse - though I did go to gps however was not taken seriously until symptoms became extremely debilitating)

It's a phased return, but I'm struggling to understand what that entails. In a way it's not as then there's 6 weeks to carry on recovering. But I feel it's part of my 'physio' - extending stamina - to go.

But I'm an emotional wreck. I've had to start a low dose amylitriptine as sleep as been awful.

My mind races between feeling confident and then wanting to cry, or crying.

The CAT has uncovered a trigger of 'dismissal' - this has been repeated thoughout my adult life through medical
Management (or Mis management) of my thyroid but then my approach to battling on through periods of unwellness leading to boom and bust and mh issues - anxiety mainly.

I worry so much about pleasing and meeting expectations.

I should be using this in my next CAT session!

How the bloody hell do I stop becoming so emotional?

I do have a health anxiety I feel but it's not about thinking I've got xyz - it's about judging my level of health. I either ignore it or then am 'forced' to obsess about it to keep control of it. Then I get so anxious about other people's views of me and being able to say - I'm no coping. I always look so well. I guess I feel guilty for being off, not having a 'real' diagnosis eg cancer (colleagues have had) or MS, though, as my neighbour pointed out last week, the symptoms have been similar.

I suppose I should feel lucky that I can recover from this chronic fatigue - though I suppose I'm still worrying I won't - but have to go to work to see how I do?

Why does it affect my mh so much ? And why can't j accept it? Maybe it is my mum?! (That's CAT for you!)

I don't know why I'm posting. Trying to make sense I guess.

My mh is linked to my physical health. I didn't help that my DH didn't really believe me for a long time. Or accept the diagnosis.

I did have fighting spirit. When i was really ill. My muscles felt like they were burning day and night and I didn't have strength to clean my teeth. I'm not like this now but I don't know why I don't have the spirit now?

My physio is very encouraging. I go down when I have pain now. I'm so worried I'm not recovering. I used to ignore pain - I used to do martial arts etc.

I just feel grief.

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