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Bollocksy bollocks

(31 Posts)
madeuplovesong44 Sun 14-Jun-15 10:19:51

Was doing really well. Nearly 2 years with no admissions. My twins are almost 5 months, it's been extremely hard but I have been well.

Feels like everything has come crashing down. Not sure how I find myself here again but Im sitting sobbing and thinking about suicide.

I know I'm so lucky to have such incredible children and I know what my death would do to them but that doesn't stop my head telling me over and over even in the gaps between the clock ticking that it would be better if I was gone.

I'm just so tired. I can't see any respite.

snoozealot Sun 14-Jun-15 10:32:52

Hi made up I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Not sure what to say but couldn't read and leave. Someone with good advice will come soon. I feel like this sometimes and just have to hold on so tight to the notion that loud voice will gradually get quieter and make room for kinder thoughts. Can you call someone a friend or helpline or will it help to get through little time sections with a distraction? Chamomile tea and tv is my favourite way to come down. Sending big hugs (( brew))

Whatabout Sun 14-Jun-15 10:37:33

Do you have a community mental health team you can contact? Feeling suicidal is such an awful feeling, reach out for some help. Being in those first few months is such a turmoil of emotion, exhaustion and expectation that even those with robust mental health find it very hard. Can you get out alone for some fresh air or to see someone or take an unaccompanied nap?

madeuplovesong44 Sun 14-Jun-15 10:48:47

My husband has taken my elder two out for the day so i am on my own with the twins. They refuse bottles and naps with equal dislike and I am up hourly through the night. I keep trying to tell myself this is a phase of babyhood that is as frustrating for them as for me and it will pass but it's so draining. I have not had more than 3 consecutive hours sleep in five months and no time to myself. My body is a mess and I need a new word to describe the state of my house. All has been just about managable, tested me to my limits but ok. But now the noise in my head has returned and the constant voices suggesting a way out. I just want a break.

My community team are yet to do anything helpful for me since the girls arrived. They promised practical help in terms of a cleaner and 15 hours nursery for my two year old but this has not materialised. They lied to me about the effects of the medication I was taking in pregnancy so I am not taking anything now.

God I'm rambling and I cant concentrate enough to read back. My husband is wonderful but I feel like it's such a military operation there is no time for us and I can't let him touch me as my body is awful.

I want to enjoy my girls as this is definitely!!!!! our last babies. I can't look at them this morning. It feels like they know what I'm thinking and know I don't want to be here and fight this anymore.

snoozealot Sun 14-Jun-15 11:41:32

Wow you are so amazing to be a mum of 4! I found having 2, one at a time so hard and utterly shattering but it's never really recognized how super human it is. It totally pisses on the bear grills bonfire. I should think anyone would be feeling totally wretched on such little sleep. I don't know what to suggest but it seems to me you've identified help you need. If CT are dragging their heels go back to GP, a good HV, or approach a good local nursery yourself directly to get the ball rolling. Can your husband or other family support you with this? I'm not sure you need their referal to access child care? for now you need to be as kind to yourself as you can. It sounds like you may have experience of depression, is there something you did or used to comfort or soothe yourself? I know it's easier said than done with LO's. Please don't give yourself a hard time your love, caring and thoughtfulness really comes across in your posts, this will ease, it sounds like you need just a little support and sleep to help you feel more hopeful and less like you're in a war x x sorry I don't have practical advice for night waking. It was just long hard trial and error with my two but at 5 months could it be something to do with weaning or teething or just generally unwell? Good luck flowers

madeuplovesong44 Sun 14-Jun-15 12:07:09

Thanks for replying snooze, just talking to another adult puts things in perspective.

I feel like the twins are unsettled and unhappy a lot of the time but I am clueless as to why. I don't know if it's the fact there are two of them and so don't get the time in my arms a singletons would. Maybe they are teething, maybe it's wind, maybe breastfeeding isn't satisfying them. They have tongue ties but the doc didn't want to do anything abou them. I just don't know what to try. My hv isn't forthcoming with advice and there are no twin groups in the area. I can't access any playgroups or baby massage type stuff etc as I can't really manage my little three out and about by myself. I have to carry one in a sling and other two in the double pushchair and it's just really hard.

I get stopped all the time as people are interested in the twins but instead of feeling proud I'm just so stressed I want people to piss off and leave me alone.

The nursery place would be funded due to my bipolar diagnosis as I couldn't afford to send her whilst on maternity leave. I understand the importance of being responsible for yourself and your family and I am so ashamed that right now I can't cope emotionally or financially.

Been under the care of my cpn for 12 years so don't feel it would be appropriate to go back to gp. She has become a bit numb to my distress I think and has basically said if I don't want to go to a mother and baby unit there is nothing she can do. I was in the middle of therapy when my psychologist left and unfortunately that's it, no replacement.

madeuplovesong44 Sun 14-Jun-15 12:21:15

Just keep thinking that everyone would be better without my fucked up head here. I don't want to, but I hate myself so much.

snoozealot Sun 14-Jun-15 12:44:21

Made up please call for help. I feel you're getting into a deeper crisis point. Talking to me online might seem ok but i'm not really bringing you the help you need. Your circumstances sound really tough and so hard for any one to deal. Maybe I'm naive as new to mh system but your story seems so harsh. I really feel help is there for you, don't be alone right now ((hugs))

madeuplovesong44 Sun 14-Jun-15 12:57:27

I know deep down that I will be judged, and quite rightly, for having the twins. I love my children in a way I didn't know was possible but it was totally irresponsible to fall pregnant again after being so unwell after my second. I'm so ashamed of this, I have done my best to cope and pretend to the world I am coping.

I will try to reach out this week but I know that there is nothing anyone can do.

snoozealot Sun 14-Jun-15 13:06:26

Hi, glad you're there! Please don't judge yourself so harshly and don't assume others do. You seem a totally loving, responsible parent to me. Would you talk to a friend like this if it was their situation or they had a physical disease that cleared up and recurred? What about giving mental health matters or Samaritans a quick call just for now to just see if you can lift yourself up just a bit to stop being so hard on yourself, just to give yourself a little reprieve.

madeuplovesong44 Sun 14-Jun-15 13:29:18

Thank you. I feel so alone and overwhelmed especially when they are both crying. I'd ask my husband to come home now but the noise and chaos of my excitible big two is hard when I feel so exhausted. I won't hurt myself with them under my care, will try and ring someone if they ever go to sleep.

snoozealot Sun 14-Jun-15 13:33:20

Fingers crossed x x

snoozealot Sun 14-Jun-15 13:39:33

Hi I'll be incommunicado for a while now. Maybe a hug from hubby would make the excitable one bearable he may rather be with you take good care of you x x

Jemimapuddleduk Sun 14-Jun-15 14:13:02

Hi madeup - so sorry you are feeling like this and struggling so much. It sounds like you could do with some medication. I had pnd at the start of the year and was struggling coping with 2 under 2 years. I felt suicidal at times as I just couldn't see any other way of the situation improving and my anxiety was just crippling. I take my hat off to you for coping with 4 little ones. Sleep deprivation played a massive part in my depression and anxiety and made it so much worse. I was still breastfeeding when I started on my medicatiin (Dosulepin) and it really has turned my life around. I feel like me again and no longer feel stressed about the mess of my house, my post pregnancy body and the whole lack of routine with my newborn. Are you totally against taking any medication? Would you be able to chat to your doctor about what may help you whilst still bf'ing?

madeuplovesong44 Sun 14-Jun-15 14:59:27

Thanks for sharing your story jemima, I'm really glad you are feeling yourself again. The mood stabilizer that works for me is Depakote but it's not suitable at the moment. I was suppposed to see a perinatal specialist but it hasn't happened. In fact I haven't seen my own psychiatrist since the week after I delivered. I'm not totally against meds and have lorazepam to use prn when things get too much.

Jemimapuddleduk Sun 14-Jun-15 15:06:42

Hi- is there any way of getting 'back in the loop' of your local nhs mental health team? I ended up going to an out of hours gp surgery, broke down and explained exactly how I felt. I got a really quick referral to the local hospitals mental health team where I got assessed by a psych. They then got in touch with gp and hv meanings got more help too. I realise it may work differently in different areas though.

madeuplovesong44 Sun 14-Jun-15 15:20:29

I have thought about taking the girls to AnE and leaving them there so I am free to do as I need. I realise how irrational that sounds and what an awful mother and person that would make me but I have asked family and professionals for help over the past few weeks and nothing has changed. My hv came a month ago and I said I was struggling and she hasn't come back to me since.

I have no patience with my eldest and am becoming the sort of mother I don't want to be. He is beautiful and sensitive and doesn't need a grumpy witch shouting at him all the time.

Wish I could just switch off for a bit.

Oldisthenewblack Sun 14-Jun-15 15:30:03

Do you have any people around you, family, trusted friends who are able to look after the children for a few hours, if only so you can sleep? The exhaustion must be utterly overwhelming, and when you feel like that you can't imagine ever feeling any better.

It sounds like you're a great mother, and doing the best for your children, and no-one could expect you to do more. You certainly should NOT be judged for having your beautiful twins, and if anyone does judge you then they are not the people to have around you. What are you supposed to do now - send them back??

As Jemima says, do try to get back "in the loop" or the mental health team if you can, you deserve all the support you can get. You WILL get through this, though it probably feels impossible right now.

I do wish you all the best.

madeuplovesong44 Sun 14-Jun-15 15:49:24

I have really lovely in laws, my mother in law does anything to help and before I had the twins looked after my daughter while I worked. We have a great relationship and I am so lucky to have her. Since the babies arrived she still occasionally has my eldest daughter but doesn't feel able to manage all three. I totally respect that as I can barelyy get through the day with all three. My parents are local but work full time and I find them really difficult. A lot of my mental health problems stem from our relationship. They will be very disappointed and critical if I end up hospitalized again but just aren't hands on with helping!! My kids don't want to be with them without me there. As for friends, it is something that deeply saddens me. I am a really sociable type person when well, I love people. Because of the things I have done when ill and because I have spent lots of time in hospital I have lost touch with everyone from college and uni. I have many acquaintances, but there is no one I could ring and chat to and certainly no one who could help. I would love to have friends again but I can't see it happening. I have lost out on what ccould have been a good career but nothing saddens me more than having no friends. I think it's a fair reflection on what an awful person I was when unwell.

Don't I just sound a barrel of laughs!!!!

snoozealot Sun 14-Jun-15 22:19:51

I bet you're fab fun and obviously I can't comment on your past but I bet if you were to bump into some of those old pals they'd be carrying a lot of guilt for not having kept in touch with you. It seems to me the services around you that should be supporting you aren't for whatever reason, so you need to find a new line in and or make more noise. Quite frankly I'm feeling quite cross for you and would like to come and kick some butts! What is your financial situation? I'm wondering if you could afford one or two sessions a week for the big two in childcare and maybe your lovely MIL could take twins for a morning or afternoon just once a week so you'd know you could have that time to sleep, wash hair, whatever as long as it was you time and not housework. Could your lovely hubby take a day or two off to get some basic housework done while you had a couple of days with your in laws? I don't know but I feel in the short-term you need something to feel supported while your GPS or cpn works harder for you. And don't underestimate the power of sleep deprivation so horrible! I think GP should be called on at least to review twins and just listen to you. Hope you have a better night and better day tomorrow, snoozesmile

Jemimapuddleduk Mon 15-Jun-15 13:45:45

How are you doing today madeup? I also think you sound absolutely lovely and I am sorry you do t have friends around to call on. I was wondering if you had a local gym with a creche? This has been a brilliant thing for me- giving myself 2 hours a week to just exercise and feel like me again.

madeuplovesong44 Mon 15-Jun-15 20:05:00

Thank you ladies, your kind words do mean a lot.

Struggled this morning, wanted to ring someone and ask for help but couldn't do it. Took the girls for a long walk and just imagined stepping out under a car. It was horrible but I couldn't stop thinking it over and over.
Had a bit better evening, had a lovely ride out to a woodland park with all four kids, feels so good to see the big two running around shrieking! Connected with how much I have to look forward to in the future.

Sometimes it's the disparity in my thoughts, just over the course of the day that makes me feel like I must be crazy. How can one have intrusive suicidal thoughts and experience total joy in their children within a few hours.

My head really hurts now from all the thinking. Wish I could switch off and get some rest.

I love the gym, and love the idea of gym and a creche but I don't think I could afford it sadly.

SomethingOnce Mon 15-Jun-15 22:47:30

Hello, OP. I'm sorry things are feeling so difficult. Please forgive me if you have already, but I wondered if you'd thought about trying to get some support from Home-Start?

I have heard good things about them.

snoozealot Tue 16-Jun-15 07:21:35

Hi sounds like there are some gaps in the horribleness and how beautiful and lovely your world can be when it lifts. I've wondered too how I can feel I need to die in the morning but be perfectly happy with a cuddle from the kids, a cuppa and tv by the evening. I guess it shows that's the illness and not the real you. it can be unsettlIng acknowledging that but from what I gather to have that level of self awareness shows that you're not that bad.

I won't be around so much next few days but wanted to wish you well and hope you find the moment to make a call - I think I read somewhere you can email some of these services if that would be easier. If the formal services seem intimidating why not just start with a more general helpline, perhaps they can offer you some general reassurance and good guidance. I know it's hard, I toyed with the idea for years actually, but it's now my symptoms are so bad I see it as an illness, like a broken leg, and I know I can't fix it on my own. I think you're doing so well with so much on your plate, I really hope you can give yourself a pat on the back. Ppl I know who've experienced similar tell me it will get better, easier, won't last etc. It's just hard to really take that on board when you're having a pants day. But seeing them now I know it has to be possible. Take care and brew and cake

ps it struck me what you said about your cpn, it comes across that you feel obligated to her but at the end of the day it's a professional (maybe stale?)relationship, you shouldn't have to suffer for worry of hurting her feelings or that you're doing something out of line. I'm beginning to get a sense that it's not uncommon for ppl in our situation to feel bizarrely obliged to services and beholden eventually to their dysfunction. Bottom line is you're having a tough time and need some support. Maybe reconsider your gp

Pls tell me to p off if I'm being a nag! hmmI've just read that back too long! I'm crap at being brief and there's something about writing I could go on forever! I only was to say hi and send you a hug really blush

madeuplovesong44 Wed 17-Jun-15 19:24:41

Sickness bug has struck....not sure I can cope with this.

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