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AIBU To be a bit depressed about my marriage?(64 Posts)
Been with dh about 10 years. Sahm at the mo.
Here are my bad / unattractive points-,
I'm a bit fat/ old looking
I'm fairly needy- ie I like cuddles for comfort, I cry a lot about my past
I'm pretty rubbish domestically- not a great cook/ house cleaner
I have a temper on me when provoked
I can drink a bottle of wine very quickly and so at the moment about 4 times a week
I'm a secret ish smoker
Here are my good points
I look ok in clothes/ make up
I have a professional career that interests me and I'm good at
I have lots of friends
I'm a life and soul of the party sort
I throw a good party
I listen carefully and try to help anyone I can
I listen to and respect my kids, we have good relationships and they are happy and thriving at home and school.
Dh gets angry with me most days- for drinking and smoking especially. He tells me it's difficult to be kind to me when I'm drunk, emotional or needy- not all occur at the same time. I accept that I need to make changes with the drinking and smoking but feel very sad I can't go to him for comfort. We don't share a room and I'm often lonely. I'm trying to acceptt myself for who i am both good and bad points. I'd love it if h could do with the same as its really impacting on how I feel about myself on a day to day basis. I'm being unreasonable to expect this aren't I. Be kind if you can, I'm rather delicate.
If I'm reading correctly, 4 bottles of wine a week is excessive and I'd certainly be very drunk if I drank a whole bottle in one go. It sounds like your dh doesn't like this - can't blame him really.
You say you're a sahm but have a good career, are you heading back to work soon? Could you be bored and lonely and need to get the stimulation from work?
Separate rooms..? Why is that?
You're not BU. wanna bet that the red herring (wine) would reduce dramatically if you had someone affectionate and understanding by your side?
Sleeping in separate rooms isn't the norm for many, but if it was what you were happy with, it wouldn't be a problem.
It's hard to tell which of these things are causes and which are symptoms. Do you drink because you're lonely/depressed about your marriage? Or has your drinking caused some of the distance between you? Likewise the neediness, have you always been that way or is it a response to not getting what you need - sharing a bed together for instance. What in your past are you crying about? If it's things before your marriage, that's a long time ago so presumably deep-rooted problems? Have you done anything to get help?
Four bottles of wine a week, binge drinking, is a problem. It will have a knock on effect in regards to your emotional state, because you obviously need some sort of 'crutch' to deal with your problems. It sounds to me like you are desperate for a human connection, especially with your husband, but he feels he cannot deal with you being both emotional and drunk (a combination difficult for anyone to deal with). I suggest a vist to a gp, or private counseling if you can afford it, possibly couple counseling as well.
Tbh I don't think the wine is helping, it's probably making things perpetually worse. You're obviously not unreasonable to expect your husband to love and communicate with you.
Are you often drunk when you raise the issue? Because it's v.hard to communicate effectively with someone who's drunk and emotional. It's also hard to be someone's emotional rock 24/7 as it can be draining but it sounds as if your H is being dismissive whatever you say.
You need to open up the communication lines with your H and work on loving yourself.
I'm interested that you say "drunk, emotional, needy" don't occur at the same time. Are you sure? My experience of people who are emotional and needy is that they are this when drunk & simply don't remember the next day.
I think a bottle in one go is a lot, but I also have friends who think it's normal. They don't appear drunk after having that, but I have no way of knowing what they might say to their partner!
I'm a great believer in live and let live - but if your DP is worried about you drinking and smoking, as well as finding it annoying, I can't say I blame him.
Separate rooms - great if you are happy with it but I'm guessing, as you've mentioned it, that you are not?
Hard to tell if YANBU but can see why he would find these particular issues problematic. I must admit I wouldn't cope well with someone who was often crying about past issues. It might depend what they were, and also how long it was going on. But if you hear about this stuff often, and have heard the same comments for years, it can be hard.
You're analytical, logical and caring. You've listed things which you already accept are part of the problem. So carry on, what's the solution?
Drinking too much....cut down?
Overweight...get outside in the sunshine and exercise? Are you able to join an exercise class, it sounds like you're craving human interaction and stimulation too?
Are you greaving? Whatever it is in your past making you cry, it is affecting your present and your future. Are you ready to deal with it and if so, how?
Do you and hubby get fun sober time together? Could you? Is the sleeping situation what you both want?
What about your positives? Is there a celebration coming up you could plan something for? Could you throw a party just for the joy of it? It sounds like you have a lot to offer to DH, your family and the world in general, but for whatever reason are in a rut and stifled. You are a nurturer but need to nurture yourself. This thread is a fantastic start. Could you show it to DH?
I'm more of an intermittent MN lurker, but I really do wish you well and I'll watch this thread. I think you have some demons to slay and writing on here might mean the time is right to do it. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step and you've already taken a couple. Keep at it, you're worth the effort :-)
Thank you for insightful replies. In answer to points raised
I'm sort of happy with the separate to room scenario- I like the sleep and the peace but miss the comfort and intimacy.
I have had lots of therapy for issues rooted in childhood but I agree I need more.
I have always been a drinker and a smoker and sociable- and I think its more pronounced now we are older and less sociable. I think if I was less stresed and lonely I would drink less. We used to drink together and it was fun, but these days he doesn't drink and gets annoyed with me.
Yes I probably could do with going back to work at least part time. I miss it.
Finally I just wish he liked me for who I am- I seem to annoy him endlessly but I haven't changed radically from when we first met, so I find it quite unfair and sad that the qualities that drew him to me are now such a source of annoyance.
Gosh oobis x post there- your post has brought tears to my eyes. I'll respond when pulled myself together
what about your friends, Shezzlefrezz? Do you get enough time with them? That's important. I sometimes think partners expect too much of other, friends are a vital bit of the support network.
I say this with kindness, honestly.
It sounds like people think you are lovely, life of the party, nice, kind etc.
But your husband sees a different side to you. The drinking, anger, emotional roller coaster sort of stuff. The 'temper on me when provoked' is telling. I know someone who used to say that. The problem was the anger in response to the 'provocation' what grossly disproportionate, and usually alcohol fuelled . Trust me, it is very difficult to live with.
The appearance thing is not really relevant.
Two grownups can keep a house in a reasonable state, if they both try hard enough. Or if they both try just a little bit.
Sorry however but you appear to be confusing me with someone in your past.... I never ever get angry drunk, what i meant by it would be for example, be a sober response to being called a name by a teenager on the street, for example. Which I would prefer not to do but that kind of thing brings out the worst in me.
My emotional neediness is around grief and grieving, yes.
Working in sober fun time is easy bit always with all the kids.
I suppose I am trying to ask if it is unreasonable to ask your partner to accept the not so attractive parts of yourself and to not try and change you too much.
In your case, I think it's not reasonable to ask your partner to accept your smoking and binge drinking. You are harming yourself.
Sorry that came out harsh. I mean partners should and do accept our quirks but as said above, you have some quite serious issues I do think you should address.
"I have always been a drinker and a smoke"
And what you say about it being sad that the qualities he liked about you now being a drawback and how he should like you as you are...
Being a drinker and a smoker aren't your qualities. You might have 'always' done them and come to define yourself by them, and yes when we're younger and carefree we do these things more and they seem fun, but they're often a crutch and some people get rid of them while others use them more and they can become a problem. You may be referring to other qualities about you that he's gone off, but to me it sounds like you want him to like things that are harming you and perhaps obscuring your true qualities. Yes he should love you unconditionally but marriage is hard and it sound like there's some deeper issues that need dealing with, putting aside the drink and fags which are really just the symptoms I think. Hopefully going back to work will help as it sounds like you need to feel more satisfaction yourself before working out how you feel about each other.
Smoking would be an absolute no for me in a partner. And all that alcohol too. Thats a huge amount. It is a huge waste of money. The wine is also full of calories, so contributing to your unhappiness over your weight. These two things are totally in your control. Stop smoking and drinking alcohol, then you can clearly look at the other issues.
Thanks pink. That was helpful to read. I have thought about it and instead of opening a bottle this evening I went for a swim. I am thinking perhaps there is a correlation between my drinking and smoking and his negative , withdrawn attitude to me. So I thought I might start by very gingerly giving up booze and fags for now. I thought I'd post on this thread if no one minds to keep me focused. And I could have a way of keeping track as to weather it is the booze and fags that get to him and without things will get better. Which I doubt, in my heart of hearts.
I think he is cold and detached and that I'm dying of lonliness so much it makes me cry and that booze and fags had frankly become company. Shudder. I need to get out more!!
Why don't you give up alcohol and really cut down on cigarettes (I imagine it's harder to give them up) for a month and see how it goes? Do you find you get depressed when you drink? Do you talk about your past when you drink? If you went for a swim every evening instead of having a drink you'd sort the weight and the alcohol problems in one fell swoop and you'd feel an awful lot better.
My DH went through a patch of drinking too much, paired with being emotional/needy and it was hard.
I always felt he wasn't really the real him after a few drinks, we'd have heated debates which he got too emotional about.
So once he started drinking I went on "neutral" so as not to cause discussions/self pity/neediness.
Also started to sleep separately as his alco breath bothered me, and he snored, and was "needy" without thinking about MY needs.
It was all about him.
So that may be your husband's perspective as well.
I loved him but could not deal with him in that alcohol induced mind frame. I felt very lonely at that time, and that after a bottle or more he wasn't really there with me any more.
Can you try to see it from your H's perspective?
Op it sounds like you're unhappy with your life and it's affecting your marriage.
Have you told your DH all this? Go through your lists with him
He's probably a bit worn down by your drinking and neediness, but if you are honest with him about all this he might understand better
Tell him what you need from him. Ask him what he needs from you
I totally sympathise. I get like this sometimes and drinking too much is easy to slip into
I say this with kindness, but in my opinion you have a drink problem. Until you admit this and seek help, I doubt anything can get better.
Loletta of course it womt be easy, but it is far from impossible!
Shez thats a good idea. When you get tempted post here for support. And if your husband turns out to just be a jackass, youll be much healthier anyway
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