Missing my friend...

[windchimes23]

I was pretty close to someone on here who recently took her own life.

It has made me feel very sad. I'm not SU or SI or in any way a risk to myself or others.

But I miss her so much, we used to chat, text, write and email. We supported each other through hospital stays and general dark times. Funny poems, letters, silly memes and Internet links. Just general getting on with life stuff. Midnight calls when things got really bad, but other just fun stuff that kept us connected.

I just miss her so much, her funny laugh, her disapproval at my bad behaviour, our general understanding of MH issues.

Nothing to add, I'm not her family, or even a real life friend, but I miss her so much

[Lahottiereturns]

Real, you responded to one of my threads a while back about my PND and you are such a thoughtful and lovely person. You helped me a lot.

I think I know who you mean; while I didn't know her, I read her remarkable last thread that lasted from early February until she passed away. When I was at my worst with PND I lurked constantly on the MEntal Health Board.....now I am pretty much recovered hers was the only thread I went to check again and again. I was willing her to get better and you all worked so hard to help her. I realised how many truly special people there are on Mumsnet.

If I am right about who you are referring to I was distraught to read the message from her lovely husband who must be so lonely, and in some ways unsure what to do with his time now he no longer so has to worry about her wellbeing.

I bet you contributed so much to her life, as she did yours. It is so right that you miss her. Just because it was a 'virtual relationship' makes it no less valuable or special in my eyes. I think you should take great comfort in the fact that someone who was suffering so badly in herself that, right to the very end, she returned again and again to Mumsnet to update and seek reassurance. That shows me what an enormous contribution you made to her life. And just because she decided not to continue doesn't make the life she had or the support you all gave her any less important.

I admire you hugely for what you did for her, and it is right you are feeling pain now as a result.

[windchimes23]

Thank you for your kind response. It means a lot.

I'm glad you are feeling better now and are enjoying motherhood (despite the hard work)

[madeuplovesong44]

Thank you for posting this. I miss her too.

Again not as close as you but I was so used to checking her thread every day, I am finding it hard that she is gone. I really thought things would turn around for her.

[Lahottiereturns]

Madeup, you too were tireless in your efforts to help her. I loved reading your messages. It is a credit to you and your emotional depth and connection that she kept returning to feel your support until just days before the end.

[windchimes23]

It's hard, but in an odd way she has made me stronger. More determined.

A very great loss though, she helped so many people yet didn't see her own amazing worth. The terrible paradox of MH issues.

I'd give anything for one more call or email. I have all her letters in a box and one day when I'm stronger I'll read them again.

I planted a rose in my garden for her. It was all I could do.

Sad for everyone who misses her too x

[knackered69]

It's like there is a hole - and you wonder where the energy that was that person went to, and you want to look for them. That's what I found when my friend committed suicide. I also felt guilty, and why not me, but mostly I missed her - still do. All the time we spent together in the bin and at the end of the day she didn't make it - I almost felt abandoned - no-one ever quite got stuff like she did.

Am so sorry for your loss xx

[madeuplovesong44]

I read her posts from her previous username when I was in a similar mess in hospital. I found she was able to articulate the suffering she, and I too, felt so well. She helped me to say how I felt. We had so much in common, but at the time I was unable to offer much in replying.

When I came across the most recent thread, having made big steps on my journey towards recovery I felt compelled to reply. I longed to drag her with me to see the positive. I really hoped she would turn a corner and imagined the day when we may chat about her children!

It's a strange grief to feel because I had never met Helen and no one in my real life knew of our relationship. I do think of her daily still and her death has made me question my own recovery. It feels extremely fragile at the moment.

I don't think for one second that I could have prevented this but I just wish so much that I had replied to that final message. She was hurting so badly and I didn't reply. I know I would have felt the rejection in that.

So sorry for derailing your thread, it's just a relief to talk about it.

[windchimes23]

Not derailing at all, it's good to talk. I think a few of us think the same way.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've written a letter to her husband but haven't sent it. The last thing I would want to do is cause him any pain. Just want him to know the impact his wife has had on me and how sorry I am for his loss.

She was so valuable on the mh boards I wish mn would do something in her memory.

[windchimes23]

I messaged him on FB and said I couldn't send a sympathy card as I wouldn't know what to say. I just said I was too sad for him and nothing seemed appropriate. I shall write when I feel able, to tell him about the fun we had and the naughtiness we got up to when we had such bad times. I know it's inappropriate but in the worst of times we used to prop each other up and giggle like teenagers.

She told me many fun things about her life and I will share that with him when the time is right.

I am working on a poem about her now, she always humoured my crap poetry

[Pancakeflipper]

I miss her too.