PND or just tired.

[teacupnic]

Not sure what to say really. I'm writing this sitting in the park opposite my house after walking out. I've left my husband and screaming 10 month old there, as I've just had enough of it all. I just feel a bit like I want someone else to deal with everything for a bit.

My son is wonderful but he doesn't sleep. I'm averaging around 3 hours a night. DH tries to help but baby screams until I come. I've tried sleep training but found it too traumatic.

I am wondering whether I'm depressed. I cry a lot at nights as I'm so tired and dread going to bed. I've had depression before and it doesn't feel the same. I genuinely believe if I could sleep, I could cope.

To complicate things DH has a physical disability so limited in the things he can do for the baby. So nearly everything is my responsibility - feeding, changing,cooking, housework. He works full time and I'm a stay at home mum, so as I've made this choice, can't complain.

So, is this depression or sleep deprivation? And what Can I do? I don't want to take antidepressants unless I have to - found them useless in the past (tried a few) and still breastfeeding. I have a therapist but can't afford to go and have v limited childcare. (Both my parents are dead, no other relatives so reliant on parents in law).

Sorry for lengthy post. I should probably go home. I won't be surprised if DH is angry with me. I'm awful for doing this.

[ApplesTheHare]

Aw I really feel for you OP

I wouldn't be surprised if a combination of sleep deprivation and a bit of depression (PN or otherwise) are making you feel bad, as the two so often go hand in hand. I don't have a silver bullet for you but going for a walk to clear your head sounds like a better alternative than totally losing the plot, which I always feel close to if dd (9 mo) is really hard work.

As for suggestions, you could try the doctor, and explain that you'd be keener on talking therapies over any medication. Is there any way you and your DH could make a small change to the way you organise your days that might make you feel better? Could your DH take your lo for a short set time each day to give you a bit of time to yourself, even if you just fit in a nap? On the sleep front, is your lo still feeding every few hours or just waking?

[CoodleMoodle]

You sound so much like me, and I completely understand how you feel. I can cope with anything when I've slept well.

DD is 15m and has only just started sleeping through (mostly!) after doing CC. It was hard and it still is, but it's helped. I feel a bit more human after a good(ish) night! I'm not saying you should do it, but in my case it was/is sleep deprivation making me want to run away. Last night DD didn't sleep well at all, and today has been hard. Other days she sleeps like a dream and it's great.

I don't know the solution, but you're definitely not alone

[CoodleMoodle]

Oh, and whilst my DH doesn't have a physical disability, he does have chronic fatigue and finds it hard a lot of the time, especially with the night wakings, so I can sympathise there as well!

[teacupnic]

Thanks for the replies. I did feel a bit better after being outside on my own, so I guess it wasn't such a bad idea to leave the house. DH was not at all angry when I got home, he seemed vaguely sympathetic and agreed I need to spend a bit more time on my own etc.

I am not exactly sure the best way to move on from this, I feel we've tried everything with my son's sleep. I struggled with controlled crying and at present I think feeling like this is preferable to the way I felt when I tried CC. I know a few people who have done it and it works, but, just not for me. It may, however, be something we come back to if all else fails.

I don't think I am depressed in the traditional sense of it, it is the lack of sleep. The more sleep I get, the better I feel. I do think that maybe there is some truth in the fact I need time away from my child. I haven't spend more than a couple of hours away from him since birth. DH can't do much with him, but he can play with him etc, it's just difficult to arrange this practically as he works and I am at home with the baby all the time.

I think it's all a bit more disappointing and upsetting as I've had 3 years of therapy and come so far as a person, that seeing myself not coping is quite difficult.

[OliveCane]

You sound a lot like where I was. My LO woke up every hour at night and I was exhausted. I knew I wasn't depressed but I was completely and utterly shattered.

Is there a reason why your LO is waking up so often?

Do you think if your LO slept well at night you would be OK?

My LO had an undiagnosed wheat allergy and that was causing all the wake ups. Once that was taken out of diet and she came off breast milk she settled down.

[ApplesTheHare]

teacupnic Aw it already sounds like you've managed to get a bit of perspective on things from having a walk and some time alone, which is great. I wouldn't beat yourself with the 'not coping' stick if possible. Being a mum is SO hard at times that everyone goes through phases of feeling that way. You sound like a wonderful mum who cares a great deal for your family. As another poster said, do you have any idea what's causing the sleep issues? Have you tried a gradual retreat rather than CC? I couldn't do anything like CC as I know it would mess with my mental health but gradual retreat has been really good in teaching dd to self settle. Might not be that causing your sleep issues though?

[teacupnic]

Am feeling a little better today, got more sleep. DS woke quite frequently but went straight back to sleep. He's also been really sweet and adorable today. I think gradual retreat might work for is. I'm reading a book by 'the sleep lady' which suggests something similar.

I do think I need to perhaps make a regular therapy appointment, as I have limited support outside family so nobody to let off steam to.

[ApplesTheHare]

teacupnic do you have any good baby/toddler groups near you? I find getting out and hearing about other people's kids helpful when I'm struggling with dd. Just makes me feel like I'm not alone.

I meant to ask how are your ds's naps? Dd is 9 months and still on 2 naps during the day and I found it helpful to start doing gradual retreat for daytime naps when I was more awake and alert, and felt more in control rather than like a barely-functioning zombie as I did in the night.

[inaboxwithafox]

Gradual retreat stands a real chance of working. I started at 10 months with a baby who was like a limpet, bf and needing fed and rocked etc. I was despairing. It took 21 days then he slept through. I've said it before on countless threads but I genuinely thought that ds couldnt sleep for more thana couple of hours. I'm not going to lie, it is bloody hard work and it is exceptionally tiring but the way I figured it....I wasn't getting any sleep anyway so at least I was making progress while not sleeping, does that make sense?

I spoke to my HV and we made a plan so I was really clear and had a target to work to then I stuck to my guns and every night, every time he woke I did the same thing. It very slowly got better. The first few days were really tough but when he slept through it was absolute bliss and so so worth it.

Now if he wakes I know there is something genuinely wrong instaed of just par for the course.

PM me if you want me to detail what I did.

Good luck OP. You are not alone. It can, it will, get better.

[teacupnic]

Well I'm still feeling pretty rubbish truth be told. I've done gradual retreat and it's not worked at all. Thought we were getting somewhere until we moved the chair out of the room. Now I put him in the cot, leave the room and he screams and screams. I guess I just have a low tolerance for screaming but it is killing me. Last night he woke up in the middle of the night and it took over two hours to get him to sleep.

I should probably move this thread to sleep or parenting or something but hell it's getting me down so much. Why is my beautiful, wonderful boy so difficult at nights. I have truly done everything and am starting to wonder whether I just now have to deal with it. This is depressing me and I really don't want to end up on antidepressants again, and I can't afford my therapy so what else is there?

The only thing I ever seem to get down and upset over is him and his sleep. I dread bedtime, naptime and lie awake because getting him down to sleep is such a trial I end up wound up as hell.

Sorry for just ranting/spilling my guts but really, no one else cares.

[Sorehead]

I have no sleep advice but have you tried speaking to your HV? They can assess you for PND and offer support for feeling low. You may be referred to your GP, who can arrange CBT or similar. They may also be able to help with the sleep issues, or at least give you coping strategies.

I hope you manage to get some sleep and are feeling better soon

[teacupnic]

Thanks Sorehead. I saw my HV (well a HV, mine is off sick I believe) a few weeks ago but really struggled to articulate how much I was struggling with sleep. I do tend to downplay any difficulties, like a lot of people I try and appear strong and capable. I did mention that he wasn't a great sleeper and she suggested the Gradual Retreat after a discussion regarding me not being keen on doing CC.

It might be worth speaking to them again and perhaps focussing a bit more on sleep etc. It was the 9-12 month check and she seemed a bit rushed, which I understand.

I've had CBT before and found it of limited use to me. It works brilliantly for some. I do have a fantastic therapist privately but can't really afford to see her right now.

DH has suggested staying with his parents tomorrow night. I can see why it might be a good idea in a sense - although baby sleeps much worse when we're there, there are more people to deal with him when putting him down to sleep and they'll take him in the morning for a bit.