well it's happened.

[gemsio]

I have been feeling like I have been going down hill for some weeks now, I have been doing my best to keep my head above water but now I think my depression is back.
Feeling incredibly low, my husband recently left me and now he has admitted it has been my past depressive episodes that have driven him away.
I am functioning pretty well, but I think it's because I have two young DC, 5 and 2, I am just carrying on.
But after they are in bed, I am really struggling.
I am incredibly lonely and that's when I start to think too much.
I am reading up on CBT to try and learn some coping strategies. I thought I was just down because my DH had left, but I think that has triggered my depression again.
I suffered dreadful PND after my two year old was born, to the point I was suicidal. I didn't actually realise it at the time, I actually thought it was normal.
my DS is an incredibly difficult child, he just cries and screams a lot of the time so I am exhausted by the end of the day.
I just feel like I am existing at the moment and not living any kind of life.
I miss my DH so much, but he himself is now depressed and says he can't deal with my problems too, so I feel very alone.
I don't know really, I just need some tips on online help I can get, kind of self help until I see my GP which at the moment is a three week wait.

[CarbeDiem]

It's good that you recognise it.
Do you have a number for the mental health team or counselling services? In my area we can self refer and access people to talk to in an emergency. The samaritans are always available - 08457 90 90 90 in the UK or if you prefer you can email - sometimes I find this way better, writing helps me get my thoughts in order - [email protected].
I also think that you need to call back to your GP - 3 week wait is NOT acceptable here. Tell the receptionist you'd like a telephone appt, tell her you are struggling and can't wait and ask about any services you can access without referral.

Do you have any real life support from people, family or friends?
When the loneliness hits, I find it distracting/helpful to come on here or other forums. It passes a few hours when I can't concentrate or focus on other things. I started a thread just to rant/whinge/whatever and it helped a bit - I haven't been on it for ages but currently feel the need to update it soon, it doesn't really matter if no one reads or comments - it just helps to get it out.
Is your husband helping with the DC - I know you said he's not 100% well himself but neither are you so it's not fair to cope alone.

[NanaNina]

Hi again Gemsio - I think if I remember rightly your DH sort of just packed up and walked out and living with brother? And were you worried he might have another woman, but on balance thought not - sorry if I have you muddled with someone else - quite possible!

Does your DH come back at weekends to see the kids and you do family things? Better not say any more in case I'm mixing you up with someone else. If you've got a psychiatric history it's quite likely that you are depressed again, as loss (of some kind) is usually at the root of depression, which I'm sure you already know.

BUT 3 weeks for a GP apt is ridiculous! At our surgery even if you can't get a same day apt you can turn up at 12 noon and wait and will be seen by a GP, and you can also book online. I think you need to contact the surgery again and tell them it's urgent and you need an appointment. If you are relapsing the sooner you get meds the better.

There is free child care available for 2 year olds if you are on benefit or annual income is below £16,000 so maybe look into that and get a bit of peace from DS! Do you have any RL support.

Feeling very crap myself today after a long spell of being ok - it's shit isn't it - and no one can really understand how depression sucks the life out of us. x

[MajesticWhine]

Sorry for all you have been through. Blimey 3 weeks to wait for the GP is outrageous. Sometimes depression seems like an entirely reasonable response. You have two young children and you're on your own, it's really tough.

My tip is to try and do something pleasurable for yourself as often as possible. See it as a reward for carrying on and coping and being a mum. Go for a walk somewhere pretty and take time to look at your surroundings, buy a magazine or newspaper that you enjoy, stop at a coffee shop, buy some nice fresh ingredients and cook something nice. With your mood as it is, you probably don't feel like doing any of these things but depression is a vicious circle. Feeling low often means you do less and so have less chance to feel better. Just trying to force yourself to be a little bit more active and giving yourself a chance to enjoy something could help you to think less negatively.

This is a useful website with lots of helpful resources for depression
Mindfulness is really really good for preventing depression, but might not be that much help until you are feeling a bit better.

[gemsio]

Thanks for your responses, Yes Nanna that's me.
He is coming round at the weekends to see the kids still, I have suggested he take them out this weekend so I can have a break.
He is going to his parents next week and taking my DS with him, so a bit of fun at the seaside for my DS and I can have a break from him. saying that he is being good as gold today.
I have some great friends and family, but after the initial flurry of help and support it has kind of dwindled as people have their own lives.
Yes think I will see if I can speak to my GP, I don't want to do the random emergency appointment as some of the other GP'S aren't exactly sympathetic but the lady Dr I have seen is brilliant so I am happy to wait to see her.
It's so frustrating as I feel I have been frantically trying to stop myself from getting to this point and I was struggling to figure out whether it was depression or grief that I was dealing with, and now I think it is the grief that has lead to the depression.
I sometimes feel like a fraud as i can function quite well and that's why I am able to hide it from so many people, can someone who is depressed do this? I do find it helps coming on here in the evenings just to chat/vent.
DH is coming round for his tea tonight as he wants to "talk" so I am a bit apprehensive about it as I am worried he is going to ask for a divorce and I am not sure I am ready to hear it. x

[idlevice]

You're having it really tough

As well as the PP's suggestions, have you got a children's centre near you? They might have a group going for those with PND or some links to other local help. Try to get out in the day with your 2yr old totoddler groups, activities or walks etc, to "dilute" the intensity of his time with you, IYSWIM.

[gemsio]

Thankyou majestic, I will check that out. I have been out for a long walk today and played I spy with my DS for ages, it was really lovely even though it was bloody windy, blew the cobwebs away so to speak.
I don't often do things for myself, actually I never do things for myself so I think you're right and I need to do this more often. x

[gemsio]

Hi idlevice, I do have a children's centre near me and it's one of those things that I dread, because he is so difficult I feel sometimes I can't cope with how people look at me when he has a meltdown, but I know he has to do this in order to learn how to behave, it's like a cycle that I know I need to break.
I just don't want end up in tears and running out as I have done that recently. I know they do messy play on Monday mornings and he would live that, may have a go on Monday. x

[idlevice]

Please don't think everyone is judging you when you're out. I've been to plenty of groups with my DSs & if something like that happens I only have sympathy & empathy for the parent & think good for them that they're out & about & not cooped up at home driving themselves insane dealing with it behind closed doors. Honestly. I know someone whose DS is a hairpuller & she is mortified, but I don't think any less of her or the DS who is only 2, even when it's my DS whose hair gets pulled!

There will be some judgers out there I guess but they are not worth having any negative impact on you or your DS. Could you give one of the staff a heads-up about how you're feeling so if something happened you'd have some back up? Perhaps they could have let you have use of a private area to give yourself some breathing space rather than having to leave if you felt stressed out? I help out at a playgroup & I'd be falling over myself to give someone every chance to make use of it & not be put off.

[gemsio]

I know it's probably just me being paranoid, it just happens so much I had to dump all my stuff and leave in a chemist the other day cause he was throwing a tantrum and people were actually tutting, and doing the usual "someone's not happy" remarks. I just felt like leaving him there and running. It's such hard work, and feeling like I do at the moment it is a bit too much to handle in public. my mum takes him to rhyme time on Friday mornings and he does it a little with her but not as much, (well so she tells me) I was stood at the school gates yesterday waiting for my DD and he threw a wobbler and people started to move away from me, until I was stood totally alone, it felt horrible. He is just such a difficult child, but it also absolutely lovely, but he flips out very very easily. he has been like this from being about 10 months old. years of this have taken its toll on me, and my DH never understood how somedays I felt like I was in a living hell, he would just brush it off. He will have him for a whole week next week without me, I think it will be an eye opener for him, but he will have his parents to help him, so won't get a full picture really.
These days it's not everyday he is like this, like today he has been brilliant and I have enjoyed being with him, but somedays I wonder if I can take much more. x

[idlevice]

It's really good that you can enjoy your DS even if he is a handful at other times. Perhaps you could make an I Spy walk a regular thing? Hopefully as he gets more communicative with getting older some of the meltdowns can be put off or mitigated as he can understand & express himself a lot more. It can of course be so frustrating for little ones that can't explain themselves, more so for younger siblings that can see the older ones having the more in-depth interactions.

Sometimes people might be moving away if they see you having difficulty to give you some space & not feel like you have to make an effort to interact with them. That's probably being generous but why not try to think that instead, or better still, don't think about it at all - it's not worth your precious energy.

Also it's well known DC will act up more with the primary carer! They feel more secure so are more confident to test out their behaviours with us! We should feel flattered that they're being themselves & not holding back...

[gemsio]

Ha ha. Yes that is true, he does act up mainly with me. he has been okay the last few days, he has a speech delay so I have no doubt it is frustrating for him.
we have sent the afternoon at the park after school which was nice. my DH is coming over tonight and I feel quite apprehensive, he didn't come over last night as he was feeling ill. I want him to come over but I hate seeing him leave again. it's bloody horrible.x

[idlevice]

How did it go with your DH yesterday?

[gemsio]

Yeah it was okay, the Wierd thing is is that we get along amazingly well and that's no different even though he has left. So, nothing was particularly discussed we just chatted about stuff.
It was difficult watching him leave again but I am learning to deal with that everytime. I have been looking into CBT just reading up on it had helped a bit. Just trying the whole positive thought thing and it seems to be working and when I get to the point when I can feel that depressive fog coming over me I am able to bring myself round a little, I have felt quite happy for the last two days.
So will just see what the weekend brings and my DS is going to his grandparents next week with DH, I need the break but I know when I have a lot of time on my hands I will either go one way or the other. I will either feel relaxed or will think too much and get depressed. so am organising seeing friends to keep me occupied. Thanks for asking as well. x

[gemsio]

having a bit of a low day today, it's beautiful weather outside and I am trying to keep busy by doing cleaning and getting washing out on the line. but I have been in tears a few times today, for no reason. I guess this is a down day and hopefully tomorrow will be better.x

[idlevice]

Well done on keeping busy even if you're feeling low! You can come round to mine & carry on if you like!

It's very sensible to have made plans for next week if you think you might get down. You seem to be quite resilient & resourceful but also aware that you could crash & burn. Hopefully it won't come to that of course. What about seeing your GP if you can get a suitable appointment? It probably wouldn't hurt to have that as a back up if you think you might need extra help now or in the near future. You mentioned CBT in an earlier post - if you think that would be helpful, courses are usually available most places on the NHS even by self-referral.

Hope you have a good weekend!

[gemsio]

Hi, yes I think I am going to make an appointment for a few weeks incase I need to my GP told me to keep in contact so might be good to go in and see her about CBT.
I am feeling a little better this afternoon as spent a few hours at the park with my kids after school, so was nice to get out in the fresh air even though my DS had a tantrum for most of the time, which was stressful. My daughter came home with the class teddy bear this afternoon too, so something else I have to do this weekend as she has to keep a diary with photos! I know what you mean about burning out, hopefully next week I can have a few days relaxing during the day have two lunch dates with friends then one coming over in the evening one night, so will try and keep busy without doing too much. hope you have a nice weekend too.x