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Just been diagnosed and finding it hard.

(11 Posts)
LadyFuckrington Sun 31-May-15 20:11:38

I've been depressed for a while and after a suicide attempt and some self harming I was put under the care of the crisis team. The psychiatrist has diagnosed me with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and major depression. I'm signed off work so have a LOT of time on my hands. The meds have been up and down, they've tweaked the dose a few times, I'm currently on 30mg citalopram and 7.5mg Olanzipine and do feel much more balanced (although I currently have tonsilitis so that's knocked me back over the past couple of days).

I've been reading a lot about my diagnosis and while in a lot of ways it's been helpful to frame my overspending, alcohol and drug abuse, recklessness, dramatic and turbulent relationships and bad choices as symptomatic of my disorder rather than me being evil, it's also made me evaluate all my good relationships.

I've been very happily married to my second husband and according to what I've read this can only have worked if he's co dependant and with low self esteem. Tbh I do push and push him but he's always so steady and there for me, and tends to let me have my own way with all my impulsivity (buying a brand new car, getting a puppy, completely changing from being a sahm to working ft and back again, taking on a huge mortgage for eg). I now feel as if the whole relationship is really unfair on him and wonder if it would all be over if he did challenge me. I ask him every day if he loves me and he always sings my praises, to which I always answer 'I don't know why'.

There's no cure for my disorder, although they are treating the depression, and I feel as though the past 8 years that I've been with him have been a fake, in that he has kept me balanced until other stresses took over and sent me into a suicidal depression.

I'm also terrified that I've utterly ruined my kids by being so changeable and emotionally unstable. All the literature about EUPD doesn't make for pleasant reading.

I know it doesn't change who I am but it has made me rethink everything I thought about myself, all the grudges I've held over the years and all the perceived slights that were most likely me overreacting.

Any advice from fellow sufferers, or indeed anybody, would be gratefully accepted.

LadyFuckrington Mon 01-Jun-15 15:46:01

Slightly desperate bump. I'm just wondering how other people have coped with having a label for their emotions, personality disorders are not spoken about particularly kindly in a lot of the things I've read and I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with even though it wasn't really a surprise.

AnotherEmma Mon 01-Jun-15 15:55:10

Hi, didn't want to read and run. Sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Although it might feel alarming to have a label, it should also help when it comes to you and your family getting the support you need. I'm not an expert but I don't think it necessarily means your relationship is fundamentally unhealthy, or a lie - the good things about it might have brought you some stability.
Are you getting regular talking therapy to work through some of the thoughts and feelings the diagnosis has thrown up? Sorry if you are and if it's obvious, but I think that would help. You could also consider couples therapy as well (you would probably need a therapist with experience in dealing with your condition) to help you and your partner talk through the impact on your relationship, as well as healthy techniques for dealing with any issues.
Be kind to yourself. I'm sure you are a good partner and mum in many ways, even if you're not perfect in others.
flowers

AnotherEmma Mon 01-Jun-15 15:58:47

PS I have no experience of this myself but didn't want to read and run as I said. Could you look for a support group online or in your area? i.e. people going through the same or similar things. x

katcatkat Mon 01-Jun-15 16:11:30

You could have been me 5 years ago where I was diagnosed with EUPD and was under crisis team, social services...you get the picture. Everything spiralled out of control but it was a horrible time and its only looking back incan see that I needed to get that bad to get the help to get better.
3 years of group therapy for personality disorder and while its never going to go away I am so much happier. I am more stable than I have ever been off all the drugs and not under the mental health teams at all. I have learnt to help myself and that all the thoughts and feelings I have are not the reality. It was hard work and horrible at times dh has been with me through out and things are good.
The main thing I would say is you have to learn to manage it not let it manage you.

LadyFuckrington Mon 01-Jun-15 16:14:03

Thank you. I'm having group therapy and I'm on the waiting list (which is currently three months long at least) for talking therapy in a one to one.

I'm having a review tomorrow and I've got lots of questions for them, I was discharged from the crisis team today so that's positive.

AnotherEmma Mon 01-Jun-15 16:23:24

Sorry to hear the waiting list is so long (is there anything they can do to make it quicker?) but glad you're at least getting group therapy in the meantime. Hope your review goes well tomorrow. Maybe write your questions down and take the list with you so you can make sure you don't forget any? (Sorry if that's obvious but it's the kind of thing I find helpful ahead of an important appointment.)

comedancing Thu 04-Jun-15 22:22:20

Don't usually post here but one thing struck me reading your post..you seem to have good insight.seem to be able to step back and analyse yourself. That is very positive. I have experience in extended family of mental illness and what is seriously lacking is any self awareness. I believe you could do well in counselling as you are ready to question yourself and look in. That is why your dh loves you because you are not adamant you are always right and humble enough to accept diagnosis and investigate the whole illness. That will be a strength to you so don't believe you have to be like everyone else with this illness.

Reply123 Fri 05-Jun-15 00:04:57

Hi Lady. I've NC for this.
I was diagnosed with this a couple of years ago. I don't want to give you false hope but I wish I could go back to 'old' me and show her me now. There's no cure, no, but with a LOT of practice and managing my thoughts and therapy I'm doing so much better. So I hope you know it can be okay again and I definitely know the hell you're in.

I was signed off work too and it was difficult for me. I was in no way well enough to work and spent every second of every day being knocked sideways by minute things or comments and spiralling into depression/anxiety again. However I also found it difficult being at home with no structure or anything to lift me out of my depression. And I know they say it for a reason but if ONE MORE GP TOLD ME TO GO FOR A RUN.

I hated group therapy but found one on one talking so helpful. I sat there every week thinking 'I'm not learning anything, just ranting, I'm not going to turn into a different person' but knowing you just have to get to the following Monday for example helps so much. And then once my year of therapy was over, I can't explain, but that abyss that you fall into when you're so depressed? Somehow something was just holding me up. Like dancing said, it reads like you have a lot of insight so I'm sure talking therapy will do a lot for you.

I'm sorry you feel that way about your dh. Like you said the reading is not pretty and can be pretty harsh. Please know that you know yourself and you know him. Trust that. I remember going round and round in circles thinking I must be emotionally abusive, and dp was saying of course I wasn't, and I was thinking that's just what someone who's being emotionally abused says. But eventually it just didn't matter. As I got healthier and happier I began to trust myself and I also realised I trust and respect him a huge amount and believe he would leave if he felt the need to. There's a horrible paranoia that come with this illness and it's made so much worse by the horrible thins said about it. The irony is that nobody needs to say the horrible things, your brain is already telling you all that and more. Stop googling! You know yourself better than Google does. I found writing a journal really helpful, I wasn't really motivated to write as my head felt too complicated and dark and didn't want to 'work through my feelings' but I did go online and find some journal questions ranging from my strengths and weaknesses to what I wore that day. They gave me something to do but also a bit of a more solid understanding of myself rather than turning to google.

Anyway I hope this was of any help and I hope you're doing okay. And I hope that your meeting went well the other day. Just know you've got the diagnosis because you're strong and caring and self-aware enough to find one - that's what will push you through the rest. Good luck in your talking therapy, hope it comes soon flowers

Reply123 Fri 05-Jun-15 00:07:35

Just read that back and 'don't want to give you false hope' sounds a bit damning. I didn't mean that at all. I meant I don't want to tell you 'don't worry, it'll get much better' totally out of context and sound insincere because I'm just a stranger on the internet. But any hope you have isn't false at all, it can and will get much better, just needs to be paired with hard work.

LadyFuckrington Fri 05-Jun-15 13:26:08

Thank you so much, you are all very lovely thanks

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