I Give Up

[Butterflywings168]

Sorry I keep posting on here. I just want to vent, no-one needs to feel obliged to reply.
I have actually given up on getting any help from mental health services.
I am desperate.
Frankly I do nothing for the world and it wouldn't matter if I wasn't here.
My life is ruined. I have no chance of having a decent career or dc, for objective reasons.
I have nothing to go on for.
About 3 weeks ago I tried seriously to end it, requiring medical intervention, but was just allowed to leave hospital with no extra help. I feel they don't care, think I was just attention-seeking, or both.
I am under CMHT which is more than some people get, I don't want to be ungrateful but I need more help atm.
I went back to A&E a week ago, hadn't done anything to harm myself but felt on the verge...no point. Psych liaison guy clearly just wanted the BPD freak out of there. Fobbed me off with a diazepam. I was very anxious, socially anxious so I hate going and being expected to spill your guts to a stranger anyway...was scared of being sectioned...I just never know what to say to be taken seriously, but not so seriously it goes towards admission etc when I don't need that atm. Also I just got a cat, so can't be admitted poor baby deserves a better cat mummy than me anyway.
He patronisingly told me well done for coming in and not doing anything as according to him I have 'been impulsive' in the past and all that shit um, actually what happened was I tried and tried to get help before I acted, was dismissed, and they seem surprised and think I was impulsive when I finally did act
My care co-ordinator won't take me seriously either. She means well enough I guess but does the 'look on the bright side' crap - atm I can't. I just want her to acknowledge that I feel awful and am a risk to myself.
I get no other help. I have physical health issues, CMHT don't seem to believe this. I had an awful bug recently, throat infection, just knocked me out to the point I couldn't move from sofa...I missed psychiatrist appointment due to this...of course CMHT are punishing me like a naughty child by shortening next appointment which isn't for ages anyway and I really need help...in tears typing this.
I must not be speaking English. I have said to them so many times I am genuinely suicidal, and been dismissed. I can't keep doing it.
I am tired of life.
I don't know, I probably should never have been born.

[bigoldbird]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. The world would be a poorer place without you. I wish you were getting the help you need and that I was able to say something useful. Hopefully someone will be along soon with good advice. Please hang on, I know it is difficult when you feel so bad, but it will turn around and things will look better again. xx

[ancientbuchanan]

Your cat needs you. You need your cat to sit on you, knead you, and tell you you are its servant.

I sound flippant, but I am close yo where you are and our dog is keeping me going with its love and the need to feed it and pick up its poo.

I'm really sorry. Do hang on and remember that most things feel better, in the accumulated wisdom of the females if my family

" in the morning
With a full tummy and an empty bladder
With a cup of tea and piece of cake
With a warm cat/fog applied yo the chest"

Are there some mindfulness exercises you can do? Or dome exercise you could take to get the endorphins going?

Thinking of you, hang on in there.

[ancientbuchanan]

Dog, not fog, dammit.

[Butterflywings168]

Aw, thank you both.
Ancient, cat is currently lying on me in bed The bloody thing delightful creature decided to poop just as I was about to go to bed.
That's a lovely poem.
Will try to sleep.

[Jerseyknit]

Hope you got some sleep. In so sorry you feel so bad. I love my cat and know she would be devastated not to have me. Yours sounds really lucky to have you. Please have hope. The future will be better although it may not seem it now. I have to try to sleep now but you're not alone and as someone said above, the world truly would be a poorer place without you.

[Butterflywings168]

Thanks Jersey.
I got a little sleep, had to work today.
It's broken me. Feel so bad.
Colleagues are a bit worried. They're sweet. I just don't care any more.
I feel numb, but painfully can't explain it in a better way.

[ancientbuchanan]

There isa sort of blank feeling, a void of despair.

It us often that you need yo switch medication. Have you asked your Gp? Some are useless, and you need to find the right GP and the right pills and strength if pills.

Keep going this weekend. Get some sun, exercise - mild, keep your fluids up and eat, sensible meals if you can, cake if you can't. Use the break if you can to get outside and get your body to relax.

Hth

[Jerseyknit]

Hey butterfly, how you doing tonight? I hope you're ok. I've been thinking if you. I hope you're seeking help for these feelings. You sound such a lovely person. Often we forget the people we affect in our lives. Just by our very being. I do hope you're feeling better. Even if it's just a smidgen

[Butterflywings168]

Read two threads on here today saying people with my diagnosis (BPD) shouldn't have children, and shouldn't have careers working with vulnerable people.
This is why I have no future.

[Butterflywings168]

My care co-ordinator tried to tell me my cat has fleas. She doesn't (vet confirmed).
If they don't think I can take care of a cat...
There is no future for me.

[Butterflywings168]

She's right, I am evil and toxic to my cat. She will be better off with someone else.

[Elllimam]

No you aren't toxic to your cat. Your cat loves you. People with bpd are perfectly capable of having kids my friend has bpd and is an amazing mum. How are you now?

[Elllimam]

And she's a nurse so works with vulnerable people all the time

[Elllimam]

Butterfly are you still there?

[Elllimam]

Butterfly please come back on and talk.

[Elllimam]

Has anyone heard from this poster?

[Jerseyknit]

Try not to worry elli, I'm sure she's just not logged on. Hope you're ok butterfly. There's a few of us worried about you. Say hi if you can.

[Butterflywings168]

Sorry, don't be worried! Just hadn't been on. I had a slightly better day.

[MrsSheRa]

Hang on in there butterfly, hang on in there.

Years ago I went to see a clairvoyant and he recorded the session, and on the side of the tape underneath his name he wrote,
"God loves you and you are Enough"

I'm not religious at all but the end part has stuck with me when life has felt utterly hopeless and shit.

Its true, no matter what anyone else on this earth thinks, You Are Enough.

[Elllimam]

Oh I'm so glad you are ok I was so worried something had happened. Glad you had a better day too

[ancientbuchanan]

And sod it, fleas if they do happen are not the worst thing for a cat. Having food and love are the most important. Fleas can be got rid of. Your cat needs you to become its servant.

Look after yourself and that feline.

[Butterflywings168]

I AM toxic to my lovely cat. She deserves better.
I accidentally overcooked dinner and set off the smoke alarm. She's been hiding ever since.
I hate myself. I am bad and disgusting for scaring her should just give her back to rescue to normal people who can care for her

[Butterflywings168]

She has finally reappeared but hasn't come to me. I feel like such a terrible cat mum

[ancientbuchanan]

Nonsense. She. Will be fine. She's just showing you that she is boss.
That's what cats do unless they are stupid and more like dogs. You just have to understand that she owns you, not you her. She will put up with training you, although it's a bit of a pain. Cats are reasonably forgiving if a lower level of service than they would like because they know that humans, poor things, are somewhat limited.

[Butterflywings168]

Thanks for , heh yes indeed, they own you
She had another scare today, from the neighbours' dog poor baby that'll learn her. I just feel she's had so much stress lately, that it's my fault and that she doesn't like me. I know that's the depression talking, well, part of me does Am trying to chill out.