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In a complete mess

(9 Posts)
muddleup Tue 19-May-15 01:09:06

I'm in a really bad place and I don't know what to do. I tried telling my cpn and psychologist but I don't think they heard how bad it is in my head.
Tomorrow will be day four of not getting up, kids are fending for themselves,
I'm in soo much pain physically all the time but having had all the tests done and nothing showing I can't go back to Dr.
I no what I have to do, I have started My oldest sons letter but it seems to be taking forever.
I don't want them to hate me any more than they have to.
I don't sleep, can't go out, keep seeing things, wolves, black birds, beasties crawling all over me
I feel like I'm genuinely going mad.
I'm scared for what will happen to my kids when I'm not here.
I think I just have to get to my daughters dance display next month then they go on holiday and that's it, but I'm angry that I have to wait till then, it doesn't feel fair.
I'm sorry to have dumped this on you, I just didn't know what else to do ��
I feel like I'm all talked out of the wrong stuff but the right stuff I should be saying are gone or invisible, I don't have them.

adarkwhisperinthewoodwasheard Tue 19-May-15 01:22:23

Your post is worrying, as of you're thinking of harming yourself. If you are having feelings like that get yourself back to your mh team asap and tell them. It's not right. You sound very unwell. It's so hard, especially if you think you're not being heard. Mental illnesses are desperate, and when you are finding the day to day such a struggle it can all seem pointless. It's not, but you need to get help now before it gets any worse

My heart goes out to you. I know words across the internet can't help, but please, don't do anything irreversible. Seeing things can be absolutely terrible and if you need to go and admit yourself to hospital.


NotAJammyDodger Tue 19-May-15 08:47:48

Have you told your CPN and therapist that you are seeing things that aren't there? These are serious concerns. Are you under a psychiatrist or GP? Either way you should go back to your doctor and discuss. Seeing things that aren't there can be the start of psychosis. The good news is early intervention can treat it effectively so please don't wait. Take care.

muddleup Tue 19-May-15 10:26:19

I've told them all that I'm seeing things, that I don't want to be here and that I'm scared but I don't think I'm saying it right or maybe they don't believe me.
My Gp won't do anything, she says it's not her job it's the psychatrist.
I spoke to cpn yesterday and all she could say was she understood it was difficult for me and I was to think of how they could help make me feel better, I just wanted to scream at her to hear me, to listen to me, to help make it all go away, but instead I felt like I had done something wrong that I'm an inconvenience.
I'm not very good putting what's in my head into words so I guess I can't really blame them for not knowing what to do.
I have the psychiatrist on Friday but she's new and I've only seen her once.
I'm scared they will make me go into hospital, scared I will lose control over everything.

elementofsurprise Tue 19-May-15 11:36:48

Oh, muddleup, I wish I could give you a hug. I know how frightening and hopeless it can feel when there seems to be no way out and no-one is listening.

The important thing to try to hold on to though, it that it just seems hopeless, because you're not well. Though I know that's easy to say and difficult to feel when you're in the middle of it.

I really felt your frustration when you wrote about your CPN saying "she understood it was difficult for me and I was to think of how they could help make me feel better, I just wanted to scream at her to hear me, to listen to me, to help make it all go away, but instead I felt like I had done something wrong that I'm an inconvenience."
I, and others, know that feeling very well! The immense frustration that the other person just doesn't seem to grasp how bad it is, and feeling like you're doing something wrong by beig unwell. Well, you're not doing anything wrong, muddleup, and you're not an inconvenience. I'd better not write anything about the way NHS mental health services aren't funded, and how they don't work, because it will turn into a huge rant! So I will just say, it isn't YOU, you DO deserve help from them.

Having said that, I am a little confused about what you're hoping they will do, if you don't want to be in hospital. Do you feel you need someone to talk to?

As Jammy has pointed out, if you're seeing things that aren't there it sounds like they should be taking you seriously. I'm wondering if it's the first time you have experienced this?


muddleup Tue 19-May-15 23:18:03

I don't know what I expect them to do, maybe listen to me and not dismiss how I'm feeling.
If I broke my leg or arm or something, I would go for an X-ray and then have a plaster put on, in maybe 6-12 weeks it would be fixed.
It feels so unfair that this isn't so simple.
No one has the answers or a miracle cure, but they get to go home at night after spending at most 1 hour every 2-3 weeks, but I don't get that, it's just constant and I'm so tired of being tired.
Not really sure if any of this makes sense

NanaNina Wed 20-May-15 00:05:44

muddleup I recognise you from these MH threads and know that you are really suffering, but can't remember what your diagnosis is. I know exactly what you mean about no one really able to understand the torment that we are going through and then they say something that just doesn't help at all - but then we don't know what would help because as you say we just want the torment to end.

My CPN is one of the best but sometimes she says things that don't help and certainly psychiatrists have pissed me off several times. The trouble is there is nothing they can say that will make us feel any better when we are in the mire of mental illness.

Look please don't take this the wrong way but do be careful about talking about ending it all because this can be very triggering for others, as I'm sure you know. I too have written letters (but only in my head) and don't think I could ever actually write them and I don't think you will be able to - I hope not.

We just have to keep on keeping on...........

Butterflywings168 Wed 20-May-15 00:13:18

Aw muddle thanks know that place so well. As element said, it's not you, it's the MH 'care' system.
I wonder why it's so hard for them to empathise and validate, and instead they make us feel dismissed and unheard confused They don't always need to do anything.

Butterflywings168 Wed 20-May-15 21:12:51


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