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What does it mean when you have suicidal thoughts but don't really want to die?

(16 Posts)
ToadsJustFellFromTheSky Mon 11-May-15 23:39:26

I'm feeling this way right now and have also felt it at various times in the past but I don't really know what it means or how to stop it.

I keep feeling like I need to hurt myself in some punish myself but at the same time I don't really want to die.

This makes no sense. How can you want to die but want to live at the same time? I feel like I just want to go to sleep and never wake up because I just feel so exhausted sad.

Tiptops Mon 11-May-15 23:43:13

Sorry you are having such a tough time flowers

Hope I can articulate this OK, but could it be the suicidal feelings are linked to how unwell and exhausted you feel, but in the absence of those you very much would want to live?

mammabmamma Mon 11-May-15 23:46:43

I think it's called suicide ideation. From what I can gather, it's wanting to die, but not wanting to kill yourself for whatever reason.

ShootPeppaPig Mon 11-May-15 23:52:21

I think it's called wanting an escape but I think they wrote suicidal ideation in my notes when I was in that place.

I didn't want to die or cease existing, I just didn't want to live 'my' life at that point in time either. I'd have leapt into someone else's life in a heartbeat if that was possible

NanaNina Tue 12-May-15 12:39:53

Are you suffering from depression - this is suicide ideation (in the sense that we don't want to die, we just want the torment of mental illness to be over....) I think PeppaPig has explained it well - sorry I know you want to shoot him!!

BigBirthdayGloom Tue 12-May-15 16:24:28

I have had this too-the last week or so I felt so bleak and worthless that I felt there was no point to me being here, but I knew I would rather feel better than die.

TheOrchardKeeper Tue 12-May-15 16:27:26

It's a symptom. A very scary one but just a symptom. I only get to that point when I'm really lagging/unwell and just need more help or for things to improve. I think it helps to just accept the thoughts and try not to focus on them too much and instead focus on imrpoving whatever it is that's set them off thanks Hope you feel better soon. It's a horrid place to be.

TheOrchardKeeper Tue 12-May-15 16:28:47

*improving! Oops.

Depression is like pulling the wool over your own eyes...You can't always see a way out/don't always believe there is one but there is. It's not a permament state of being.

Findingthishard Tue 12-May-15 16:35:34

When I feel like this it's basically because I'm experiencing really overwhelming emotions and it's just too much to cope with so my brain goes into a kind of self-destruct mode.

Suicidal feelings occur when the emotional pain someone is in exceeds the resources they have for coping with pain. Kind of like when you put too much in a shopping bag and the handle breaks.

It makes sense that you can feel you want to die yet also feel you want to live. Suicidal feelings are born out of a desire to end emotional pain - what you want is not to be in the pain that you are in.

Sometimes life circumstances in the present (eg money worries) or past (eg trauma) can contribute to this, and/or depression or anxiety or PTSD.

I'm really sorry you are feeling like this. If you want to call Samaritans to have someone to talk to they are on freephone 116123. It's also really important to try to be kind to yourself.

HeadDoctor Tue 12-May-15 16:37:58

I was asked whether I wanted to die or whether I had just had enough of living. It's a subtle different but really made sense to me. I didn't want to die I just desperately wanted the pain to stop and I couldn't think of any other way.
I hope you can access some support to help you through this.

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky Tue 12-May-15 16:50:43

I have depression, yes. I do get sick of living a lot HeadDoctor and sometimes I just want to sleep for a really long time and hope everything is better when I wake up.

Sometimes it's not even suicidal thoughts I have but just thoughts that I want to punish myself in some way iyswim. Like getting the urge to cut myself or break my own arm or something. I haven't cut myself in a few months though so I don't want to go back to that.

imwithspud Tue 12-May-15 23:42:43

I feel inclined to reply to this as I have felt very similar lately. I'm not sure if its exactly the same but sometimes, more so lately I feel like I want to just disappear, that I could go to sleep one night and just not wake up. But then at the same time I could never commit suicide because I know all that would be left behind would be soon to be two children without a mum and a devastated partner and family. It just seems to utterly cruel to put that sort of burden on them, at least if it was something 'beyond my control' for want of a better term I wouldn't feel like I'd have been responsible for the pain my passing will cause them. Does that make sense? It probably sounds really selfish when I put it like that tbh, but things seem to shit at the moment that I'm finding it hard to really care.

Butterflywings168 Wed 13-May-15 01:36:18

thanks Toads. It is very normal to be conflicted. Dying is a huge thing and I don't think any mere human mind can get around it.
What pp said about pain exceeding resources to cope, too.
I hope you feel better soon x

Butterflywings168 Wed 13-May-15 01:52:08

Aw imwith thanks
I have been feeling shit lately too, and in the same way, I keep going for my DCat. If we have that bit of self-control, even if it's clinging on by our fingernails - that's a good thing. But it's not a life really just going on for others...we also owe it to those around us to get help to feel better. Iyswim.

imwithspud Wed 13-May-15 08:03:46

Thank you, I've been dealing with a family bereavement recently which has had a huge effect on me. On top of being heavily pregnant and a complete lack of support from people I once called friends. My oh and family have been amazing and I am forever grateful for that, but I can't help but feel hurt by how little 'friends' seem to care, they can wax lyrical about how sorry they are and how I can always ask if I need anything, but I get the impression that they don't really give a shit. If it were the other way round I'd do all I could to be supportive, I certainly wouldn't wait for them to ask for help. Just seems like they say that sort of thing because they have to iykwim. There's only one person who has been genuinely supportive, and it just so happens to be someone who I've never really been that close to, although my oh has known her for years. Guess it's always the people who you least expect huh.

Anyway I won't hi-jack this post any longer. Op I really hope you feel better soon. There's a phrase which I have been finding helpful lately, it goes something like "everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay it's not the end". Seems to help me a lot during the dark times, hopefully you can find some comfort in these words too.

djrmrcbhyvf Thu 21-May-15 01:53:45

sometimes the 'not wanting to die' is that most basic human instinct for survival that takes over and protects you. Try to talk to someone about it (GP?) because it could get too far before you realise it

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