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My husband is having a breakdown

(66 Posts)
gemsio Fri 08-May-15 10:04:47

Hi everyone,
I am a bit of mess and need some advice, recently my husband told me that he wasn't in love with me and wanted to leave me.
This was about four weeks ago, since he has slipped into a very deep depression.
He has not had any sort of history of this whereas I have, so know the signs all too well and I think he is heading for a major breakdown.
I have been trying to get him a doctor's appointment for tomorrow but they say the usual, call back on Monday.
He is at work now and says he has too much work to do and can't take any time off to see the doctor, but he still agrees he needs help.
He has been very low and teary every night this week, saying he wants to leave me but also saying he wants to see me and have dinner with me every night.
To be honest my marital problems are the last thing on my mind now, as I am so concerned about him.
we have two young children and I was called into school today saying my normally very quiet little girl had a major meltdown yesterday and was being aggressive and angry.
I don't know what to do, would an out of hours doctor see him for something like this? like 111. He is planning on going to his parents this weekend to get a bit of a break but I think he needs to be signed off work so he can have a proper rest and get his head together.
He is in utter despair and I am about at breaking point as I don't know what to do. Any advice would be welcome. thanks everyone.

rubydoobydoo Fri 08-May-15 10:23:05

Hi, 111 can help yes, they referred us to an OOH doctor who then referred us to the crisis team who are there 24-7. Do you have a walk in centre near you That may be an option.

Try to hang in there, I'm going through similar at the moment and it's so hard, but such a relief once you start accessing the right help. flowers

gemsio Fri 08-May-15 10:27:45

Thankyou so much for your reply. I am sorry you are going through this too. I will have a talk with him tonight and in the mean time see if there is a walk in centre locally. Thankyou.

Whoopsydo Fri 08-May-15 11:58:08

We were in a similar situation last year - I rang the gp and said that I felt they needed to see him that day- and they did. I think if you're quite forceful and say you're concerned they will see him. My husband got referred for talking therapy and was put on antidepressants for a while. It was a horrendous few months but thankfully we got through it and now all is well. Hope he and you are feeling better soon. It will get better xx

gemsio Fri 08-May-15 12:16:58

Thankyou whoopsydo, He is going to visit his parents for a few days for a long weekend as he is still leaving me and says he needs to have break, which will be good for him. I don't think the break up of our marriage has caused this as we get along so well, I think it has brought to a head an underlying issue. but his dad has managed to get him a docs appointment for Monday and until then he will be with his parents.
I do hope he gets help, as he is normally such a happy outgoing guy and he is just a shadow of himself. regardless of whether we stay together or not, I need him to be well for him and our children. Thankyou for the

NanaNina Fri 08-May-15 13:54:46

So sorry for your DH and you gemsio - I suffer from intermittent depression which can be severe so know the torment of mental illness. It sounds like your DH is heading for a depressive episode. I've heard on these threads before that men especially when having a depressive illness, talk about want to leave their wives/partners. I'm not sure but I think it may be something to do with "wanting to get away from themselves" rather than wanting to get away from the relationship if that makes any sense. Depression does make us want to "get away from it" and some of us talk of wanting to just get in the car and keep driving, or just running and running............and maybe we will expire - or something.

I think it's a good idea for him to go to his parents for the weekend and it will give you and the children a break too. Are you able to go with him to the GP on Monday - think it's important that you do, as I suspect he won't say how bad he's feeling. He will probably be offered meds and referred for CBT maybe. Do you have any idea what has triggered this depression - some kind of loss is usually at the root of depression I think, and you mentioned something about an "underlying issue" (sorry not asking you to say more than you want to, just think if there is a reason for the depression it can make it easier to treat. He also needs to be signed off work doesn't he. YOU need to look after yourself too because I'm sure you know that having one depressive episode makes us more likely to have recurrences, and stress can be a major factor.

Ruby your DP has a different kind of mental illness from this man and so won't get the same kind of service. Treatment is based on clinical need, just as it is with physical illness. A psychiatrist once told me that "depression is the common cold of psychiatry" to which I replied that I wouldn't like to have flu!"

gemsio Fri 08-May-15 14:36:03

Hi thank you for your response Nana, I am also concerned he won't tell the doctor how he is really feeling as well, but he is going as a temp patient at his parents so I won't be with him. I hope his dad will go with him and he has been given the full picture.
We have had a funny few years really, my son was born and I suffered with PND, and he is not the easiest of children to say the least so some days I would be at home and he would scream ALL day long, so by the time my DH got home I had just zoned out a bit, and I think I have neglected the marriage a bit just out of sheer exhaustion.
Money has always been tight and a bit of a worry, due to him being made redundant twice in one year we have been playing catch up ever since, he works very hard and long hours, he commutes so has a lot of travelling.
He recently had some trouble with a boss at work who was "bullying" him and this guy is apparently known for it, but that has since passed and no problems since before Christmas. He suffers with back problems where his back goes into spasm and he can be in a lot of pain.
Sorry to list all of these things, like this despite all of these things you would never think he was having trouble as he never ever moans about anything. he is very sensitive soul and he also has had a diagnosis of mild aspergers years ago which has it's pit falls and someone at work actually said to him "are you autistic or something?" as he is very introvert when he works he's scientist and almost zones out when he is working, this obviously embarrassed him.
I think basically life has caught up with him, if that makes sense.
He is such a good man, and to see him like this is heartbreaking. But he is very much a head in the sand kind of person but I think he does understand that he can't run from this. it's so hard.sad

gemsio Fri 08-May-15 14:44:36

sorry posted too soon, have my son climbing all over me.
Yes, you are right about me needing a break too, I have suffered on and off for years and I could see I was sinking into another depression a few weeks ago and have already been in touch with my doctor, I feel much better now.
I am keeping going for the kids sake and I think if I didn't have them I would've sunk into a depression very quickly.
I have heard of CBT but never experienced anything myself, I hope he does get signed off work as I think a few weeks away from it all, at his parents house would be what he needs to just bring him back from the brink.
They live by the seaside, so plenty of walking and fresh air so to speak.
Thankyou so much for your input, you really have hit the nail on the head.thanks

Dansak Fri 08-May-15 14:56:57

I have been through this with my dh too. It was a terrible time but we got through it. It's awful to see the person you love in so much pain.

I rang 111 one morning and they said to take him to a&e, thankfully he had enough insight to know he was ill and needed help so agreed to go. The medication did work but be mindful it can take a month or so to start working properly, its not a quick fix. Try and encourage your fil to go to the gp with him, my dh was very good at minimising and putting on a good show.

We also contacted our local branch of MIND, they were great and offered a course of CBT immediately, much quicker than the NHS waiting list.

Take care of yourself too op, its tough flowers.

gemsio Fri 08-May-15 16:39:37

Thankyou Dansak.thanks

ladylinda52 Fri 08-May-15 16:43:49

Everything that Dansak says! Been where you are, Gemsio, and it is a very lonely place. We are ten years down the line now, and closer than ever, but I will never forget the loneliness and isolation I felt. Keep talking here. It really helps to speak to others who have been through what you are experiencing just now. Two things to remember- you did not cause this, neither can you fix it, and there is no quick fix. Ok, maybe that is three things! Look after yourself . flowers

gemsio Fri 08-May-15 17:58:08

Thanks Dansak, Yes he is also good at putting on a good show, he does it everyday at work the minute he gets home he just crumbles.
Thankyou so much for all your responses, I know how lonely it feels when are this depressed but I have never been on the other side of it, and it's just as lonely.sad

gemsio Fri 08-May-15 18:08:04

Thankyou Lady Linda, I will keep coming back on here as it has helped me so much today, feel so much positive. thanks for all of your advice and support o really do appreciate it.x

Dansak Fri 08-May-15 19:26:44

The charity Rethink are also worth contacting, I saw a partner supporter once a week for a while. It was nice to have an outlet for my emotions and thoughts.

I hope you have friends and family to reach out to, its a team effort to get through this, take support from wherever you can find it, including here.

gemsio Fri 08-May-15 20:02:40

Yes, thankfully his family and mine are all being very supportive to him and myself.
I will check that out Thankyou. x

NanaNina Fri 08-May-15 22:16:53

Hello Gemsio - I'm not sure it's a good idea for your DH to be seeing a GP with whom he isn't registered - assume that's what you mean? He really needs to see a GP at your surgery who has his medical records and can give him follow up appointments. Can you talk to DH and FIL about this and then you could go with him.

Your DH sounds so much like a friend of ours. I am a good friend of his wife and obviously have got to know her DH - he too is a scientist of some sort (not sure exactly what) and he will often "zone out" of a conversation and sometimes just walk off in the middle of one! I used to think this was really peculiar when I first knew him, but my friend explained that he was a bit odd and she thought he had AS but had never been diagnosed. We were round for a meal one time and he just got up and left the table and disappeared and my friend got up and followed him - he was at his computer and she calmly said "D - you need to come back to the table" and he just ambled back and tried to join in the conversation but it was obvious his mind was elsewhere! They too have a son who has been diagnosed with AS and has very challenging behaviour - he's extremely bright and very much like his father. We're all used to him now and he's a really nice bloke - just a bit "off the wall" so to speak.

Sounds like the bullying might be the trigger for your DH's depression, even though it was a few months ago - sometimes there can be a delayed reaction. I suffered my first severe episode of depression 6 months after the death of my closest friend at the age of 46. He's also been upset by the comments about autism - people can be so bloody insensitive.

I think it's going to be difficult for your DH to engage in any kind of therapy to be honest, as you say he is an introvert by nature and probably quite a private person - maybe he "lives in his head" as a lot of men do in my experience! I think as women we are far more likely to be able to talk to people we trust about our problems and vulnerabilities. CBT is a very basic sort of therapy which is a bit of a panacea for all society's ills I think and is usually the only sort available on the NHS. It deals in the "here and now" rather than the "then and there" and is about changing negative thoughts into more balanced ones. Some people find it very helpful but I found it irritating!

Glad you have seen a GP - you definitely need to monitor yourself closely - are you on meds? Would it be helpful for DH to see the same GP as you saw, so that the pieces of the jigsaw can fit together.

gemsio Sat 09-May-15 20:00:49

Hi thanks for your input, he is going away to his parents so he is seeing his old family doctor, so at least it isn't someone just random. He knows him well.
My DH sounds quite similar to your friend, he is only introverted at work thought when he has to concentrate, he totally zones out he sometimes does it at home e.g of he is reading or on the computer a bomb could go off and he wouldn't even flinch.
By nature he is a total extrovert, life and soul of the party, very very funny and loud. He is also very sweet natured which means a lot of people take advantage of him, and he does tend to be bullied by people in the working environment always has.
He feels like people are always trying to bring him down as he works so hard, and I think because he has that ability to focus so well while working he gets a lot done, and people get pissed off with him, hence the snarky autistic comment.
He doesn't have a depressive nature, he has never suffered with depression in his life, so this is a big shock.
I think life has just caught up with him and he needs a break.
Hopefully he will be signed off, he can stay at his parents, they are on the coast so lots of good fresh sea air. His best friend is there so he can see him, and just get things right in his head.
He has been very different today, seemed quite relaxed and I know it's because he knows he is getting away, I just hope he speaks properly to the doctors cause we all feel better when we have a little holiday coming, he needs to be able to deal with real life and I able not sure he can right now. x

gemsio Sun 10-May-15 20:42:36

He went to his parents at 10 am this morning. I have heard nothing from him not text to say he got there safely or asking how the kids are? Do you think I should leave him alone or text and ask if he is okay? I am not sure how play this really. sad

Dansak Sun 10-May-15 20:54:17

I would perhaps just text to say goodnight, love you. No questions, just let him know you're thinking of him.

It's so hard, I know. Keep strong.

gemsio Sun 10-May-15 21:25:10

Thankyou Dansak, I will do that. Thankyou so much for your support, it really is helping.x

jardy Sun 10-May-15 23:06:31

Are you autistic or something? This negative comment says more about the colleague than your

gemsio Mon 11-May-15 09:45:34

Too true Jardy. thanks

ladylinda52 Mon 11-May-15 11:16:54

Hope you hear from him soon, Gem .

gemsio Mon 11-May-15 12:02:32

He sent me a good night text about 9pm last night ladylinda, saying he was going to bed. I hope he did and got a good night sleep, he hasn't had one for about a month. Not heard today, but just glad he got there safe.thanks

Dansak Mon 11-May-15 15:28:25

I'm glad he text you. It's agony trying to give someone space, when you're desperate to know how they are.

Now you; concentrate on yourself now he is being looked after by his parents. Have you got lots planned this week? Might be good for you to surround yourself with friends and family, try and get some time to talk to people and have a bit of fun.

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