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Borderline Personality Disorder - fed up and fucked off.

(3 Posts)
caravanstar79 Wed 06-May-15 16:12:33

Finally got diagnosed with this last Summer. I am 45. Since diagnosis, fuck all. 22 month waiting list for CBT in my area. CBT not what I need, DBT is what I need; that is not available. Either on NHS or private (not that I can afford private, which is just as well as nothing on offer anyway). Not on any medication. No ongoing support to speak of from mental health team. No support at home. No family support network either. Friends very limited as 1) no one understands or really wants to know and 2) am feeling extremely depressed/reclusive since diagnosis and some other (separate) previous hurts that devastated me. I no longer trust anyone to get close to, although in truth no one is arsed to anyway, and I have severe limitations in terms of being able to get close to anyone anyway. I am in no mood to make any effort, as I've had too many failures and have given up. Too much loss, too much pain, just cannot go there again. Highly likely have always been depressed thanks to inherited genes (mother bipolar, sister bipolar, father alcoholic), early bereavement of mother and general fucked up childhood. Always used to pick myself up and dust myself down despite repeated knock backs but have got to point where no longer care to. If it wasn't for my kids I'd have long since had the mother ship beam me back up, if you get my drift. Life is nothing but daily existing, for the sake of my kids.
Anyone else in similar boat with BPD? Or am I the only nutjob in the village?

SaucyJack Wed 06-May-15 16:58:58

I was there a few years ago. Hang in there kiddo- there's a better world out there.

Our NHS trust offers a BPD-specificgroup therapy treatment called STEPPS. This helped enormously.

The other things I found helpful were volunteering and joining a gym. Just "normal" stuff that got me out so I wasn't at home ruminating.

What's your understanding and awareness of your triggers like? (Sorry if that seems like a daft question).

caravanstar79 Wed 06-May-15 17:44:13

Hello SaucyJack - thanks for replying. Good to know other mumsnetters are in this camp.

No DBT here at all - this, despite there being a training centre for DBT allegedly based in same hospital. Oh and it being available to children/young people via mental health team but not adults. Wt actual f?

Sorry if I sound p-ed off, it isn't directed at you. It's taken a lifetime to be diagnosed and I feel I understand my diagnosis better than the doctor that diagnosed me. I'd put good money on me having read more about it, and being far better acquainted with Marsha Linehan's output.

Sorry, I digress. Ok ... yes, triggers ... Christ, where to start sad

Um ... rejection, abandonment, competitive environments (social/work) -I struggle in general really. I can be very sociable but sometimes just want to withdraw from everyone. Feeling empty - that's another one. I'm ok being alone, I quite like my own company. Just as well as no other fucker seems to want it ; )

I don't drink alcohol anymore, or smoke. I'm better not doing either of those as they seem to make me worse. I garden a lot. I like reading, knitting ... I can keep busy at home. I don't go out much. It's difficult with the kids of an evening (single parent). I like walking, so the exercise thing I can see the sense of, and I have thought of voluntary work but my self esteem is on the floor at the moment and I'm struggling to find the confidence. I figure at least with voluntary work they aren't paying me - I don't have the confidence to go for a paid job as my track record is appalling, I never know how I'm going to feel one day to the next (mood swings pretty bad at moment).

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