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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

i hate my life

39 replies

bella93 · 03/05/2015 15:39

my son died suddenly in january just a few weeks before his third birthday and we found out through autopsy that he had an inoperable brain tumour. I would have killed myself probably if I didn't have my daughter as I know she needs me but I am being a crappy mum for her and I just think she deserves better than me
I just keep having flashbacks to the night that my son died and I can't handle it, if I'm dead these thought would stop.. i wouldn't feel this pain anymore. i just don't know what to do, my relationship with my husband is falling apart too and i don't feel like I can turn to him anymore. I just want this all to end. i want my son back I still cant believe hes gone with no warning at all he was laughing and smiling just a few hours before. it feels like I cant breathe

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Momagain1 · 03/05/2015 16:01

I am so sorry for your loss. And your husband's loss. And your daughter's.

You know this is coming: please, please seek counseling. Call Samaritans. call your GP.

You have suffered one of the worst things that can happen, and in about the worst way it could for you, so suddenly and unexpectedly. No time to do everything medically posssible, or to prepare yourself in any way.

Things will never be the same, but they wont always be as awful as they are now. please try to find some real life help.

Wombat22 · 03/05/2015 16:03

How terrible. Words are not enough. Have you got someone in rl to talk to?

bella93 · 03/05/2015 20:44

thank you guys. I am in therapy which I got into through my GP but it feels like it's not helping, i can't imagine anything would help. I just want him back with me. I don't have many people to talk to, apart from my Mum but that's only over the phone as she lives a few hours away. I have a few friends but I have been that distant from them recently that I don't think they'd want to see me anyway. I just miss him too much

i hate my life

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Momagain1 · 03/05/2015 21:22

Of course you miss him! He looks like a great little guy. I bet he was a good brother. Was he the big brother or the little brother?

I will chat with you. I have never lost a child & i am sure i will say something the wrong way, or that you dont want to hear. I am going to bluster through though. Just YELL at me if I screw up.

Have you looked here to find mums who have lost their little ones? I get the feeling there must be a forum. Do you want me to look around for you?

bella93 · 03/05/2015 22:32

he is the big brother, his little sis has just turned 1, he was a perfect big brother.

I have looked out for something like that but haven't found out so if you see one that would be great thank you x

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Momagain1 · 03/05/2015 22:58

He was big enough to be quite helpful, or quite unhelpful some days, I bet.

I understand therapy for any purpose can feel useless when you are in it, but then later you realise it was helping more than you realised. With any death, just surviving until your heart and mind start healing is the hard part.

Ok. Under the Body & Soul forum, there is a Bereavement topic. There is a general 'safe place to talk about those you miss' thread. But It doesnt look right for you, currently. I am sure people who have been in your hard place are there, somewhere.

You could ask for this post to be moved there, or I could ask for you.

Alternatively, I could post over there, asking people to come find you here.

Wombat22 · 04/05/2015 11:17

What a beautiful little boy bella

Wombat22 · 04/05/2015 11:21

Can I just say bella I have no experience of what you must be going through, but it's only been a few months. I think the therapy will be useful but don't expect too much of yourself too soon. You should allow yourself to grieve and take things at your own pace.

Momagain1 · 04/05/2015 21:52

Thinking of you bella . How was today?

fackinell · 04/05/2015 22:00

Bella, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what it feels like to lose a child who has been born and lived. I have lost four to miscarriage but I never met them or held them in my arms.

Please see that you're doing the best you can given your traumatic circumstances. Killing yourself would end your nightmare but the blow to your daughter and husband would be double what you've all been through already.

Go to your GP and demand counselling. You need support to get through this. Your son was incredibly unlucky to suffer from his condition and you could not have possibly known. You made him happy and secure, loved and adored in his short time here. Please get the help you need. My heart breaks for you.

fackinell · 04/05/2015 22:04

Sorry Bella, I missed that you are in counselling. Bear with it, it's so raw and new to you. Ask for additional support if you need it from your GP. I can't imagine how terrible things feel right now. Men deal with things differently and it doesn't always come across as the most supportive way. Vent here and we will be your support network!!

bella93 · 04/05/2015 22:27

today was okay I guess. I am just very tired, dd is being a bit hard at the moment. I dont know whether it's her being fussy or me having no patience or energy. I dont have the energy to even leave the house, i always just want to stay in bed and hide away

I am happy that he didn't suffer but he had been acting a bit weird for a few weeks before but we just put it down to being a typical fussy 2 year old. I feel like if we had just taken him to the doctor he might still be here. they said that the outcome would have likely been the same as it was inoperable but they would have been able to try

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fackinell · 04/05/2015 22:38

It's so easy to blame yourself after the event I imagine. The behaviour obviously didn't show itself as illness or you would have been straight down to the doctors. An importable tumour is what it is when they get to that stage then a week or two won't make any difference. It's natural that you will be exhausted and everything will feel overwhelming. Be kind to yourself and grab onto any RL support you can.

fackinell · 04/05/2015 22:38

Sorry, I meant inoperable.

EllieFredrickson · 04/05/2015 22:39

Bella I'm so sorry for your loss

What a beautiful son. I lost my son suddenly too nearly 8 years ago so can understand a bit about how you feel and how it's impacting on your mental health.

Your loss wasn't long ago so be kind to yourself it is still very very raw. I know the what ifs all too well

I won't say it gets better more that the pain and anguish and wanting to die days lessen a little to a duller, but constant ache. I still get some now but much less frequently than I used to.

Just take it an hour at a time.

bella93 · 04/05/2015 23:19

thank you and I am so sorry for your loss too. its not fair is it?

the what ifs are hard. my counsellor is trying to help me with them but it's just not helping. she can try but I can't stop thinking about it. hopefully time with help with that

I want to get better but I also don't because it feels like feeling better would mean I am over his death and I dont want to ever be over it. i dont know if that makes any sense. people tell me I will find a new normal which is fine I guess but I just want him in it with me :(

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fackinell · 04/05/2015 23:32

You won't ever forget or in a sense get over a bereavement like you've experienced. What you will do is learn coping strategies and learn to live with it. The what ifs are all part of your recovery from the shock. I'm not a religious person but do you have a faith that may help? Use all your resources that can help you.

GColdtimer · 04/05/2015 23:43

Bella I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how utterly awfully you must feel. There is an amazing group of parents who have lost children on MN and they meet in their own thread under bereavement. I am on my phone so can't link but it's normally one of the top threads on that board. I am sure you will find support there from people who do understand if you feel able to post. X

bella93 · 05/05/2015 16:56

thank you guys.I posted in that thread you mentioned last night. I am not religious either, I sometimes wish I was as it would give me some kind of comfort. I dont know where to turn sometimes. today was bad too. i keep forgetting to do things and I forgot to change my daughters nappy for about 6 hours. she deserves better than me but I dont want to lose her too. I just dont want to be here

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bella93 · 05/05/2015 17:00

i miss him so much. everytime we went to the park he would pick me a "flower", which would always be a weed but he didn't know any better. He would give it me and say "for you because you're ootiful" (beautiful)

i hate my life

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GColdtimer · 05/05/2015 22:30

He sounds wonderful Bella, truly. You must miss him so very much. You are not failing your daughter at all and I am sure you are meeting all her needs. I am sorry you have had a bad day. I honestly have nothing to say that will help you, only that I think all you can do is take each hour as it comes and try not to project too much into the future. A friend of mine who lost her daughter at 18 months says her new baby comes with his own love and I am sure your dd does too.

Hope you get some support from the bereavement thread. X

bella93 · 06/05/2015 15:54

Thank you, he was a very special boy. My daughter does bring her own love and I love her to bits, she does help sometimes as she's always so happy and smiley, its hard not to cheer up a bit around her

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Momagain1 · 07/05/2015 10:14

Hello Bella. What are you and DD up to today?

Slippersmum · 07/05/2015 11:08

My younger brother died suddenly and I know my mum wished she was dead. She played over and over the last hours of his life and what she could have done differently. It's still hard for her but better than it was. I think people have post traumatic stress from sudden deaths. My friends dd died aged 4 and she found Sands very helpful to talk to. And you have us we are all here to listen x

Slippersmum · 08/05/2015 08:18

Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you Bella and sending a hug x

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