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I freaked out and lost it :(

(17 Posts)
GTT Mon 27-Apr-15 14:04:56

I've Name changed for this as know a few users in RL.

Back story; was diagnosed with PND and anxiety after the birth of DD 14 months ago. Was on 40mg citralopram (sp) and had cbt and counselling. I self weaned just after Christmas, the counselling had ended and I felt amazing, best I've felt in years.

Had a few episodes of anxiety, nothing too serious (or so I thought) carried on with day to day activities. The panic attacks I've been having have been few and far between, sometimes mild other times have left me in fear that I'm actually dying.
I don't know if this is relevant but I kept imagining I could see someone in my home. Walking past the kitchen and I glimpse in see I see someone, look again and they are gone. Same for in the bedrooms, in the windows I thought I could see a reflection, turn and it's gone. This is not an everyday occurrence, just something that has happened more than what I'm comfortable with. I feel scared of being in my home by myself.
Anyway i am rambling - sorry!

Me and DH had a minor argument last night, he walked out of the front room into the corridor that leads to the kitchen and bedrooms.
Then it happened, I could see in my head DH walking into the kitchen, picking up a knife and walking back into the front room and he keeps stabbing me in the chest, the stomach, not saying a word.
In reality he had walked into the bedroom to check on DD, I panicked. I've hidden all the knives and scissors in a bag and chucked it out into the bin outside. He tried to touch me and i freaked out, screaming and crying which led to a massive panic attack. DH suggested that he would ring my DM to take DD for the night and I wouldn't let him. I thought that DM would steal DD for good and she would have me sectioned.

I told him this morning what I imagined was going to happen, he is horrified! I have no reason at all to think that he would do anything like what I thought. He said about bringing the knives back in and I physically can't have them in my home.
He's booked me into the see the MH nurse on Friday and I'm petrified that social services are going to be involved and they were going to take DD away. I'm convinced that they are going to think I have actually lost the plot

Can I please have someone to hold my hand. I've been in tears all morning and I'm so scared of what's going to happen next

TheGirlOnTheLanding Mon 27-Apr-15 14:09:01

Didn't want to read and run. It sounds like a absolutely terrifying experience GTT but you are doing the right thing seeking help. I'm sure others who know more than I do will be along but help is what the MH professionals will offer, they have seen all sorts and won't judge. Have a hand to hold in the meantime.

GinGinGin Mon 27-Apr-15 14:10:43

Hi, didn't want to just leave you. I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but I too have suffered from PND so I know how horrify it is.

Firstly, you need help - now you said you came off the ADs around Xmas - did you do so gradually? It could be that what you're experiencing is a withdrawal symptom (it can take a long time for the medication to leave your system).

Secondly - as far as I can tell - you're not a danger to yourself of your child so there's no reason to think your child would be taken away.

I'm so sorry. I hope you get the support you need

WhoNickedMyName Mon 27-Apr-15 14:16:01

Sounds absolutely terrifying for you sad My advice is please be very honest at your appointment about what you are experiencing, in fact take a print out of your op. Your DH sounds good, supportive.

GTT Mon 27-Apr-15 14:17:25

Thank you both so much. I'm iust so scared and I don't want to talk to DH about it, I'm scared he is going to judge me and take our DD away from me.

I done the self weaning gradually, 40g every two days then 30 then 20 then 10 then nothing. I didn't really feel any side effects of doing this and I've been completely off them for just over seven weeks

WhoNickedMyName Mon 27-Apr-15 14:18:04

pressed send too soon, you're not going to have your daughter taken away, you just need a bit of help and support at the moment.thanks

GTT Mon 27-Apr-15 14:20:24

Thank you whonickedmyname

I've stupidly drummed it into me that she will get taken away, I try and do my best for her but I know it's not enough

MorrisZapp Mon 27-Apr-15 14:21:19

I used to envisage my DP punching me in the face. It became very confusing as it seemed so real I thought maybe he had. Or else I'd want him to punch me and get it over with. I had pnd at the time and panic attacks too. I've been ok for years now, sounds,like you need different meds.

Horrible isn't it.

TheGirlOnTheLanding Mon 27-Apr-15 14:26:16

Doing your best for her absolutely is enough, GTT. None of us can do more than that - and getting help will mean doing your best should get easier again. It does sound like you came off the meds too soon, or they were the wrong ones for you. I hope you get the support you need very soon.

dontrunwithscissors Mon 27-Apr-15 17:06:56

That must be so distressing. That was a very quick weaning off the tablets. When I came off the citalopram, it was over the course of 6 weeks. Maybe you need to go back on a low dose and go more slowly?

GTT Mon 27-Apr-15 18:49:18

Thank you all. The weaning was done over several weeks sorry I didn't explain it properly.
40 every two days for a week and a half then 30 every two days for a week and a half and so on

TheGirlOnTheLanding Tue 28-Apr-15 08:11:08

How are you feeling today GTT? I hope you're doing a bit better.

GinGinGin Tue 28-Apr-15 13:41:46

OP, I do think that you may have come of the meds too quickly - it really can take weeks (or even months) to come off them properly.

I was on Seroxat 30mg for less than a year and it took a few months for all the withdrawal symptoms to subside (& they were pretty bad - not as bad as what you're describing, but in a similar vein IYSWIM)

GTT Tue 28-Apr-15 23:01:24

Thanks for asking TheGirlOnTheLanding smile
Had a brilliant nights sleep, was feeling very positive today but as soon as it hit 7 o'clock I was shattered, and still can't sleep!

I think I may have come off the meds too soon, have booked a few more cbt treatments which start in two weeks time. Wil hopefully get this sorted this time!!

TheGirlOnTheLanding Wed 29-Apr-15 06:38:35

Glad you had a better day and hope you finally got some rest. Be kind to yourself, you're doing all you can to get it sorted. Take care.

GinGinGin Wed 29-Apr-15 07:00:59

Excellent GTT, well done. You will get there!

TheGirlOnTheLanding Sat 02-May-15 08:39:51

Hi GTT, hope everything went well at your appointment yesterday, was thinking of you.

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