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I Am a Waste of Space *May Be Triggering*

(33 Posts)
Butterflywings168 Fri 24-Apr-15 03:25:45

Just that, really.
I am toxic. I have done bad things.
I cannot do anything right.
Everyone I know hates me.
My family is toxic - I lurk on the Stately Homes threads but posting feels overwhelming. I have basically always been the butt of their 'jokes'. My siblings are younger but don't respect me, because my parents made sure they didn't. But if I was stronger, a better person this would not have happened.
I am dyspraxic, only recently diagnosed and that was privately ('alternative') so no NHS staff believe it, my family don't believe it, saying 'everyone wants a label these days'. I survived by making a joke of it, so people would think I was a dizzy cow but fun...people may like me - until they realise how toxic I actually am - but they don't respect me. I cannot stand up for myself. I get everyone's crap because I seem so inoffensive and then if I do dare to stand up for myself
I pretend to be strong. No-one actually cares. I have victim tattooed on my forehead. I act as if I am fine when I'm not, then occasionally I snap and am then berated for behaving badly, or if I harm myself people are surprised because 'I saw you a few days ago (or whenever) and you seemed OK', and assume it was just attention-seeking and a tantrum.
No-one appreciates or values me.
Although I understand. There isn't a lot to appreciate or value.

I am a net drain on the world.

I won't ever get to have babies sad already in early 30s, frankly can't look after myself at the moment never mind a baby, oh and the small detail that I am terminally single...even if I did meet someone it will be several years so I will be too old, especially as I have other health issues.
They don't let people with mental health issues adopt, right? Especially the label I have - BPD sad
I did have a DP, we were thinking of TTC, but we broke up - that relationship became toxic, am just relieved he got rid of me, he deserves better, a normal person not a freak like me. I still miss him every day sad
He was my first serious relationship, was already over 30. And I don't mean I slept around when I was young - I have very little experience. No-one wanted me.
I don't know what he saw in me, I'm so ugly. Outside and in. He realised that in the end though.

My sisters have children, my friends are starting to have them, I dread even looking at Facebook because I get inundated with pictures, I avoid seeing people.

I am (genuinely) thinking about suicide.
I wouldn't hurt any more.

I am under a CMHT and told them I am suicidal but of course they dismiss it as 'typical BPD attention-seeking', don't seem to believe me - or maybe just don't care. Care co-ordinator just asks how I can keep myself safe, if I could I wouldn't be telling her would I? They think people with BPD just don't take responsibility and are manipulative. I am not - but maybe I actually am, often toxic people don't realise it.
They just hate me so much. All I hear is how evil people with BPD are. I would never deliberately abuse anyone. Care co-ordinator seemed very interested that I have small nieces/ nephews and wrote down details - could she actually think I'm a danger to them? sad (I promise I'm not, I may be bad but I would NEVER harm an innocent child or animal...but then maybe I can't trust myself).

I have PTSD from various events but they also don't believe me about that.
I swing between angry at them and the assumptions they make about me, the way they only see BPD and not the person (I really don't think I fit the criteria - not that I'm judging people who do).

Actually I don't think anyone would care if I wasn't here.
They would be better off.
I genuinely think I am not meant to have kids because my genes are bad, I am a freak of nature and in a less civilised age would have been killed at birth. I wish I had been.

I could be an OK person...I just can't seem to be, in reality. I wish I could live on an island all to myself right now. But I can't. I wasn't meant to be. I have always thought I'd die young.

I just needed to get all that out blush

TanteRose Fri 24-Apr-15 03:55:29

{{{Butterflywings}}} flowers

first things first, you are NOT a waste of space - no one is a waste of space.

second, get off facebook if its making you feel like you do

I am sure that you can be the OK person you are meant to be - don't give up!

its good to get it all out, I am sure - you could also talk to someone a bit more via the Samaritans

www.samaritans.org/

please take care of yourself - your nieces and nephews will want their aunt to be there for them, aunties are great!

Ballandchainer Fri 24-Apr-15 04:16:18

Oh Butterflywings...

I wish I could sit down next to you with a nice cup of tea...

Sorry to hear you're hurting so much.

It sounds like you feel as if you're on the outside looking in, on so many levels.

You mention PTSD, and BPD. I'm rushing off to work but wanted to post a reply and recommend a book that I've recently read and found totally transforming... It's called Complex PTSD - from surviving to thriving.

If you can find the time, have a look at the author's website at http://www.pete-walker.com

See if it rings a bell? I'll bet it does.

ButterflyWings168 Sun 26-Apr-15 17:23:27

Thank you both.

That was a long vent blush I do feel a bit better now.

Yes, I try to avoid Fb as much as possible.

Ballandchainer have had a look at the website, thanks. Looks really useful. I will definitely be reading more. Some bells definitely rung. C-PTSD seems much more like me than BPD (although obviously there are similarities).
On top of that I do think I have classic PTSD from something that happened last year but it's all connected isn't it.

Butterflywings168 Mon 27-Apr-15 02:53:19

Awake having bad flashbacks.
CMHT don't care. Once you get the BPD label that's it, you couldn't possibly be really mentally ill, staff see you as subhuman scum.
The ways I've been treated my whole life tell me I AM subhuman scum. There can't be THAT many abusive people. It must be me.

Butterflywings168 Mon 27-Apr-15 02:56:29

Very bad urges to harm myself - or worse.

AlwaysDancing1234 Mon 27-Apr-15 03:13:15

Don't know what I can do to help, just didn't want your post to go unanswered. Is there anyone you can call in real life - crisis team?
Or the Samaritans are 24 hours 08457 90 90 90

AlwaysDancing1234 Mon 27-Apr-15 03:14:42

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I understand the feelings of desperation and hopelessness you must be experiencing. Please speak to someone, don't suffer alone

AlwaysDancing1234 Mon 27-Apr-15 03:20:39

I've got to go and see to the children now but please be kind to yourself and call someone who can help talk you through this

TanteRose Mon 27-Apr-15 03:48:37

Butterfly - flashbacks must be terrifying sad

its not you, its your experience that is causing you to feel this way.
You are as important and necessary as anyone else - please believe that.

you need to go and make yourself a hot drink - go and get some tea or hot milk. Make it nice and sweet.

Breathe slowly and try to relax.

if you need to, you MUST call someone. Do you have a emergency mental health team you can call?
if not, call Samaritans as Always has suggested.

you'll be fine - just don't give up on yourself flowers

Butterflywings168 Mon 27-Apr-15 03:57:36

Thank you both flowers
It has passed a bit. It does in the end. I need to remember that.
TanteRose thank you, breathing helps. I will go and see what herbal teas etc I have.
My local crisis team are useless - have the empathy of a rock. They either make you feel like a timewaster or threaten to call ambulance and police.
I do call the Samaritans sometimes.
I might watch cat videos on laptop and take it to bed, thank you both x

AlwaysDancing1234 Mon 27-Apr-15 09:06:06

Hope you are feeling a little bit better this morning butterfly

Butterflywings168 Mon 27-Apr-15 15:59:47

Thanks AlwaysDancing. I am a little better, still very down. Have just been watching crappy daytime TV. No energy to do anything productive.

Had care co-ordinator appointment. I told her how bad I am feeling but got virtually no reaction. Is a bit of human empathy so much to ask? People with the BPD label are just seen as PITAs who are choosing to be PITAs. sad

Butterflywings168 Mon 27-Apr-15 18:27:24

Been to town to get Dniece1 birthday present and card. Couldn't decide what to get. Grabbed whatever as shops were closing.
Feeling very anxious, nauseous.

Butterflywings168 Mon 27-Apr-15 18:27:55

Been to town to get Dniece1 birthday present and card. Couldn't decide what to get. Grabbed whatever as shops were closing.
Feeling very anxious, nauseous.

AlwaysDancing1234 Mon 27-Apr-15 19:57:14

Try and do some focused breathing, pop on a film or program on TV and make yourself a hot drink. I know it sounds silly but start with the little things and be kind to yourself.
Sorry the care coordinator didn't help at all

Butterflywings168 Mon 27-Apr-15 22:01:28

Thanks Always. I am feeling a bit better. I sorted laundry, sounds silly but it's always soothing to me confused and am watching Mom, nice and silly.
Think the nausea is antibiotics actually (I had a nasty throat bug).
Noticed bloody book I got is far too old for DN angry perils of shopping at last minute and anxious. Will have to return it.

Butterflywings168 Sat 02-May-15 19:32:54

I did something (that could be described as) stupid, spent last night in A&E having treatment, just got home.
Feel numb. Exhausted.

AlwaysDancing1234 Sun 03-May-15 09:20:13

I hope you can reach out to someone in real life as it sounds like you are desperately struggling at the moment. Hope you are ok and managed to get a little bit of sleep

Butterflywings168 Sun 03-May-15 18:37:18

Thanks Always. Most of my friends are in <city> where I used to live, I moved away to naice town thinking it would help my MH confused hmm They are supportive. I do text, call, Internet them and visit occasionally but it's not the same.
Also it's sometimes easier to talk to strangers on the Internet...than to worry and upset people, iyswim.

I fell asleep on the sofa as usual...I have this thing due to PTSD where I prefer to do that than try to sleep and get bad thoughts. Still been having nightmares.
I have paranoid thoughts to do with certain people being out to get me and get very anxious if I see this group of people around...I told psych liaison woman in A&E but she wasn't interested and seemed to think this was normal and everyone worries sometimes! confused I am so tired of trying to tell services how I am feeling and being dismissed. They always think people are making it up.
They don't even care about what I did. I have been offered no extra help. Nothing. Ooh care co-ordinator saw me, wow. They just see it as 'what people with BPD do' and never take it seriously. I just want them to help.

It's not that I think life is not worth living, but mine isn't and will never be due to reasons which I can't change...it's so hard to live with that.

AlwaysDancing1234 Sun 03-May-15 19:37:33

I understand that it's easier to talk to strangers. I'm in another chat group where we speak about our experiences of emotional, physical and sexual abuse during childhood/early adulthood and I've told them things I've never been able to say out loud. You seem very articulate in your writing, How about if you try and write down some of your heights and feelings for a counsellor or psych person to read?
I hope you get a good nights sleep tonight

Butterflywings168 Sun 03-May-15 21:18:43

Sorry you were abused too sad
Yes, it is so much easier to write difficult things down isn't it? I might try that. It's so frustrating not to be able to say what's really going on.
The way services have been though they'll still twist it all or think I'm making it up. sad

AlwaysDancing1234 Mon 04-May-15 20:14:15

The services there to help us don't always seem to do the right things at the right time but it's important you keep talking and telling them how you feel, especially when you are very low.
Maybe buy yourself a nice diary or notebook, doesn't have to be expensive (mine is from pound shop) and try and write down how you feel. Not just negative stuff but any little positive things. You can then use it to show doctors etc or just order your thoughts

Butterflywings168 Tue 05-May-15 19:32:27

I know. I am so close to not bothering with services...
I have 3 notebooks grin

Butterflywings168 Thu 07-May-15 00:30:54

Saw care co-ordinator today. She's not terrible, in fact she means well and is a nice enough person...but she insists on trying to make me look on the bright side angry sad I want her to validate that I feel like shit.
Just feel like none of them care or believe me. They think feeling suicidal is just how those BPD pains in the arse always are angry
I don't know. Part of me thinks suicide is just rational - I don't have a future really (see OP).
Part of me sees some hope. But it's losing. And just because I have that side doesn't mean I don't need help.
I need help but trying to tell services that feels like I'm speaking to Russians or something, I literally say I am suicidal and struggling to fight it and can't deal with constant flashbacks/ memories and am so tired and get responses as if I just said I'm a bit fed up angry sad
I am agitated. I am so sick of not being able to sleep until it's getting light because I'm scared to, I have to wait until I can't keep my eyes open due to the intrusive thoughts.
I jump and get really anxious if my door buzzer goes, thinking it's police - who genuinely do hate and want to destroy me. I don't have a future because of them.
I must be a bad person to deserve that. sad

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