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I can't stop thinking

(939 Posts)

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Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 14:16:15

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 15:41:53

Bumping just in case

creamhearts Sun 08-Mar-15 15:48:29

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this, you shouldn't be alone in this.

I struggle with suicidal thoughts and it is horrible. Lots of sympathy xx

Queenofknickers Sun 08-Mar-15 15:50:58

I hear you. The whole thing about depression is it feels like its hopeless and forever and you don't enjoy anything. It's really important to let someone know about the thoughts you are having - call out of hours or go to A&E. But remember they are a symptom of the illness. They can be stopped and you can get well but you need help, like with any other major illness. You can't always fix it yourself - it took the right medication to stop my thoughts.

Branleuse Sun 08-Mar-15 15:52:00

Are you having any treatment for your depression??

Its horrible when you feel like youre never going to feel well again.

How long have you been feeling like this for?
What is going on in your life?

xx

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 15:53:34

I've got nobody. I thought I had a friend who I could talk to - we've both had mental health issues in the past & I've tried to support her, but she just said that I know how she's been feeling, she's sorry I'm feeling this way but I'm talking to the wrong person, she can't help me. I haven't got anyone else to talk to.

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 15:56:05

I'm still on meds for depression. I've struggled with mental health issues since I was a child. I was seeing perinatal psychiatrist, but then a new one started who said that since DD was 2 years old now I was no longer entitled to their help, so he discharged me.

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 15:56:59

I don't remember ever not feeling despair.

MrsMinton Sun 08-Mar-15 15:57:06

You can talk to us here. I've had lots of support and help here.

What would you like to tell someone?

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 16:01:55

Thankyou, very much.

I just don't know what to do. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I'm so useless I know I'd somehow bodge it, then end up with some kind of disability that would prevent me trying again. Plus I'm home alone with the kids right now.

MrsMinton Sun 08-Mar-15 16:03:45

Well I think that is one reason not to. Another is that people would be so sad without you. It's the illness making you feel useless and like this.

You said that you've been discharged from one lot of support. Have they passed you on for continuing help with anyone?

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 16:09:58

It just makes me mad at DH - We/I have issues with our relationship & I don't really feel happy about leaving the kids with just him. I sort of feel mad because if he was a better father (which I know is rich coming from me), then I could just go.

I don't think anyone will be sad, I think the few people who know me would be relieved.

I don't think I can even say that this is an illness tbh, I think it's just how I am. Over the years have tried different things to "help", but no change. So I think this must just be "me".

No, I've not been passed onto anyone else.

MrsMinton Sun 08-Mar-15 16:21:00

You sound like lots of things are getting to you at the moment. Having a two year old is tiring in itself!
Do you take any meds? I'm on ADs for depression and anxiety. I'm dreadfully lost and not able to see my worth without them. I'm struggling to anyway some days.

Branleuse Sun 08-Mar-15 16:25:27

Things sound pretty tough and like theyve been tough for a long time.
Youre having intrusive thoughts and you feel trapped with a man you dont feel you can rely on.

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 16:25:32

I take lots of meds! Meds for depression, epilepsy & chronic back pain.

I have a 4 year old as well as the 2 year old.

I just can't see a way out.

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 16:27:09

Yes, I guess that pretty much describes it!

MrsMinton Sun 08-Mar-15 16:38:16

Criminy you have such a lot on your plate! My DH has chronic back pain. It's a vile thing that is.
Is your GP approachable? I think you could do with support back in place again. Are you under a pain management team? They can refer for support too.

Sorry. I'm just asking lots and offering no help am I. sad

wfrances Sun 08-Mar-15 16:43:58

have you thought about electric shock therapy- i know its a last resort but still used.
i know someone who had tried to c/s so many times she was committed and had it done. (early 70s)
she lost some basic skills (which came back)and her memory was effected but has not suffered severe depression since.
to her ,it was worth it ,and believes without it she wouldnt be here.

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 16:46:55

Thankyou for asking the questions! I have no idea how to help either.

A few hours ago I booked an appt with my GP, (can book online), but the next appt isn't until Friday. He's very lovely.

I am under pain management, but they're so overstretched it's getting ridiculous. I get facet joint & trigger point injections.

Thankyou

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 16:52:14

I'm sure I've heard about ect still being used, nobody's mentioned it though.

All the psychiatrists do is just try a med, put them up to the highest dose, then when that does nothing try a different one.

MrsMinton Sun 08-Mar-15 16:54:50

I work sign posting families to help so I go into work mode and start asking lots to try and find an in road to help. I sometimes come across wrong. (Can you spot my little anxiety voice at work!)

My DH has the same treatment for his back. I'm glad your GP is lovely. That's half the battle. Can you go for an emergency appointment if you ring on the morning? Might be better than the wait.

I'm thinking you might benefit from help from a sure start childrens centre. With two DC under 5 it's a lot and they can help with practical support, give you a break once in a while to have a cuppa and catch your breath.

I imagine you're exhausted from it all.

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 16:57:03

Oh. I've just read a little about ECT and it seems to work by inducing an epileptic seizure. I'm on anti-convulsants because my seizures were out of control. I'm guessing it's probably not an option.

Criminy Sun 08-Mar-15 17:25:48

I've been with the children's centre in the past, with little success. A while back my then-CPN referred me to them to try & get some help with my DS's behaviour. The worker asked what I'd already tried with them, then told me that that's all they'd tell me to do too & "there's nothing else we can offer you.". She also kept trying to get me to go to a toddler group that was only on when I'm at work.

Then last year my DS's paediatrician referred me to them again because I was really struggling with my epilepsy, but I never heard anything from them.

I just need to stop thinking about killing myself, I'm so, so sorry, Thankyou so much for your time.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 08-Mar-15 17:30:18

Please ask for an emergency GP appt. Because this is an emergency.

Seems all wrong for you to have been discharged rather than passed to the Community Mental Health Team.

MrsMinton Sun 08-Mar-15 17:33:26

I'm so sorry Criminy. They sound no help at all. I wish you were one of my moms.

I'm going to give you this link that my counsellor gave me. It's best viewed on the computer.

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/suicidal.htm

It has lots of helpful resources. Suicidal thoughts. Intrusive thoughts. Depression. Relaxation and self help. I agree with Silvery. It's an emergency but this might help a little.

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