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I'm worried I'm falling apart again and this time I don't know how to stop it.

(16 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Mon 09-Feb-15 01:24:21

I live on another continent from my entire family. It's just me, dh and four dcs. I love my family and I love my life, but I think I might be having a breakdown. I have breast cancer, and have had five surgeries in 10 mths. I started chemo in April last year and will finish at the end of June this year. I've been through so much, but I've coped. Until now. My house is filthy, all I want to do is sleep. I can't stop crying. I've been rude to random strangers - shop assistants, people who've spoken to me in the street. I'm horrible to my dcs. If I'm not crying I'm shouting at them and giving them fucking crackers for lunch. I'm such an organised, and in control person which is all people see, but I'm not. I'm dying inside. I'm building up credit card debt because spending makes me feel temporarily better, but then I'm terrified because I don't know how to pay it back. Dh works away so only sees bits of how I am and doesn't know how to deal with me. I've thought about what would happen if I just disappeared, jumped off a bridge. The dcs would be devastated but they would learnto forget me. I've been on ads before and all they did was numb me so I was still dying inside but could pretend I wasn't. My disordered eating has reared it's fucking ugly head again too and I'm either binging and purging or just not eating at all. I don't expect anyone to be able to help. I just had to write it down because I think I'm going mad. I hate myself for being ill. I hate my body for doing this to me and I hate having to pretend that I'm fine to everyone. I can't even tell my best friend because idobt know what to say.

scotswayhay Mon 09-Feb-15 01:34:02

How awful for you :-( Are there any charities you can contact for some help around the house? Really you shouldn't have to be worrying about cleaning up when you have gone through so many operations. Any web forums you cant vent on? And please do tell your friend, just let it out. I would hate to think any friend of mine was in pain and didn't know how to tell me. Can you say where you are? Maybe one of us is close? Thinking of you and wishing you well xxx

Canyouforgiveher Mon 09-Feb-15 01:35:23

you poor thing. You honestly sound clinically depressed to me - it is an illness just like your cancer. please please go to your GP, print out this post, ask for a mental health referral and get treatment. You don't have to feel like this. People have breakdowns or have depression or anxiety etc. Please tell your dh or a friend that you are worried about your mental health and please see a doctor about it. treatment will work. you can feel better.

So sorry you are dealing with so much but you can get help for this. Print out your post and hand it to your best friend or dh and just say "I need your help can you make an appointment for me to see my doctor and can you bring me there"

Take care of yourself.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Mon 09-Feb-15 01:45:10

I want to feel better, I really do. I'm scared to see the doctor in case they put me in hospital. My children are young and if my dh had to take time off work to look after them we couldn't afford to live. As it is we are only just scraping by. I'm in Australia. I've had pnd twice before, and a breakdown in 2008, but this time I just feel totally unable to do anything about it. I don't know why. I think it's because I'm frightened that I'll be hospitalised without my babies.

Canyouforgiveher Mon 09-Feb-15 02:01:02

I know it is hard but maybe try to stop thinking about the what ifs. Just focus on the problem in front of you. You are feeling like you are having a breakdown. You need medical help. Don't worry about hospitals or anything just think about getting medical treatment. Most depression/anxiety is treated outpatient. Medicine can really help.

In a worse case scenario, say you are in hospital for a week or so. is that really so very worse for your children than the way you are now - thinking they would be be better off if you disappeared?

You are in a first world country. Your family won't be let starve, even if you ended up in hospital. Most likely you would be helped as an out patient though. you sound so stressed and scared and worried and I'm sure you know yourself that when we are like that everything seems insurmountable and horrible and hopeless. But it isn't. there is a solution for you and your children and you deserve to reach out and get help.

Honestly talk or give your posts to your husband or best friend. Just reach out and ask for help. You've had a hard hard time, no wonder you feel so bad but you can get help.

sashh Mon 09-Feb-15 06:18:13

What you have written sounds like a case of depression, you need to talk to your GP. I doubt you will be put in hospital.

And talk to your friend, she will understand.

ANd lets face it, if you don't have reason to feel a bit shit then who does?

It'd OK for the place to be a mess, it's OK to struggle, bloody hell with what you have going on it's probably normal to struggle.

Is there a BC support group near you? Or any other support groups?

Ask your friends for help, even if it something like taking the kids out for tea so you can go to bed for an hour. People often want to help but don't know what to do to help, let them.

IDismyname Mon 09-Feb-15 06:26:06

Firstly, here is a big MN hug. (((((((((( )))))))))))).

Secondly, you need to tell your DH about how you feel. Ring him or even write to him, but he deserves to know how you feel. You'll need him for support.

And lastly, who has been holding the fort while you've had your operations? Do you have any family nearby?

Please please get yourself to a doctor ASAP.

MetallicBeige Mon 09-Feb-15 06:32:35

I know it's a clunky analogy but if your leg was broken you'd have no choice but to attend the hospital and accept the treatment.

This is no different. You don't sound well and you need a bit of help to get better. Please go to your doctor again, tell your husband what's going on. You can get through this.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 09-Feb-15 09:27:57

Hello WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat,

We're so sorry to hear you're at such a low point. Everyone at MNHQ is sending you our warmest wishes.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We're just going to move this thread to our Mental Health topic, as we think you'll get the best advice there OP.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Mon 09-Feb-15 12:15:05

Thank you all for your concern. I will see my dr as soon as I can and try my best to explain how I've been. I've felt really manic today and have cleaned for hours on end, which on one hand makes me feel great but on the other has left me quite drained and empty. I'm also embarrassed to have ended up being a poster who has had to be flagged to mnhq, however, I can understand why. I think it might be best if I just have my thread deleted and go on from there.

Thank you, honestly, for all your kind words and advice. xx

TwosaCrowd Mon 09-Feb-15 14:35:54

Have you thought about contacting Macmillan?

Carbonel Mon 09-Feb-15 15:37:24

I agree with others - get help before it is too late. As for being a poster flagged to MNHQ join the club! It is incredibly hard when you feel so down to even think you are worthy of help but for your dc's sake try and get help in RL as well as here. Things only hit home for me after I very nearly died following a suicide attempt - I can see how upset and frightened my dh is and would not wish that on anyone else.
If you find talking difficult write it all down and hand it to your GP - try to chose one carefully while can understand mental health Issues. Best of luck and hang on in there

scotswayhay Tue 10-Feb-15 05:01:35

Please don't have your thread deleted, you can chat on here and say honestly how you are feeling and don't be embarrassed I am sure anyone flagging a thread is only doing it out of genuine concern for you. I am glad cleaning up made you feel a bit better, but cleaning always leaves me drained and empty so don't be thinking that is strange!

I am in Oz too so if you need to chat when others are in bed I am usually around, do feel free to PM me I don't have direct experience of what you are going through (other than the husband working away bit) but I am happy to be a virtual friend to lean on in in these hard times. Take care x

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Wed 11-Feb-15 00:18:45

I've managed to speak to my best friend who was utterly horrified that I'd kept it from her, and is going to try to help me with childcare for me to see my dr. I'm aiming to see him on Friday (my regular gp is away for 3mths, so I'm not sure how to choose who to see). I had an incident on Monday night where I thought I had actually properly gone mad (I'm sorry if that phrase offends but it's the only way I can describe it), and it scared me so much that I know I need to do something. My most immediate problem right now is eating, which I'm not really managing. I've lost about 2.5kgs so I need to sort this, but I'm so ashamed that something I thought I'd got a hold on literally years ago has come back along with everything else. Thank you all again for your kind words.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Wed 11-Feb-15 00:20:08

And hi! Scotswayhay. What part of oz are you in?

scotswayhay Wed 11-Feb-15 01:41:21

Hi, so glad you told your friend that's a huge step forward :-) Don't be ashamed we all have ups and downs nobody is immune to that, I think we can all be guilty of thinking we have to be perfect all the time ... not possible!! I am in South West WA.

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