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Help me tell DH I want to split money without pushing him over the edge

(28 Posts)
deadenddan Tue 03-Feb-15 23:30:50

DH has recently developed what I think is anxiety and depression. Looking back he's always been prone to this but recent events have pushed him over the edge.

The problem is meds made him a billion times worse, he won't go to work. His ways of managing it are gym and driving and smoking and going for coffee. He drives to see a friend for 2 nights at a time or forces himself to spend some family time then "runs away" from feeling ancy and drives around all night.

2 problems here 1 it leaves me all alone all the time with a job, 3 DCs under 5 (1 a bf baby whose up every 2 hrs), all housework and managing the home finances.

2 he spent over £1600 in the last month on fuel, fags etc. I spent about 500 on me and the kids.went nowhere did nothing to save pennies but as he's not working I now can't pay my nursery fees tomorrow. Or make a loan payment next week. We've borrowed from all family members. We are truly abs totally fucked and I'm sinking into PND. I can't cope.

Anyway i figure the only way is to split finances. I'll pay for everything, cover the kids and all bills (even his) but he has to not touch my bank account. He can keep what he earns (or statutory if that's his choice) but he can't touch my account and I'll take my name off his. It only gives me £400 above bills for food and fuel so it's not like I'm ripping him off but i know I'll manage it.

The thing is part of his anxiety is losing me and being trapped. Having no money for fuel will make him feel trapped and telling him that after 16 years joint banking I'm going it alone may look like losing a bit of me??

But I can't see any other way forward where my stress doesn't turn into hate and his anxiety will actually create the situation! I want to support him and I can if i know my home is safe and my kids are fed.

Does that ramble make sense?

NanaNina Wed 04-Feb-15 00:01:28

I think maybe this post would be better in "Relationships" than MH. You say you think your DH has recently developed depression and anxiety, because of recent events. What has happened that you think has made him mentally ill? What are his symptoms, because to be honest he doesn't sound like he is depressed. Has he seen a doctor - you say meds make him worse so presumably he has - was he diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Maybe he gave up on the meds too soon as they often make you feel worse before you feel the benefit.

To be honest he sounds like he is very irresponsible and reckless. Do you mean you have a job outside of the home and 3 children under 5?? Spending £1600 in a month on fuel and fags is ridiculous. And what is he doing with this friend that he spends 2 nights with - you'd need to get through a lot of fags and fuel to spend that much - he must be spending money on something else I'd think.

I'm not surprised you are sinking into PND and feel you can't cope. I think your DH needs a wake up call and pretty quickly too. Why are you standing for this - it's not on and you seem more likely to become mentally unwell than him. Most people who are depressed struggle to motivate themselves to do anything, but he seems to manage well enough, and if he's anxious it's not safe for him to be driving around as he could cause an accident.
Not quite sure what you mean when you say "part of his anxiety is losing me and being trapped" - well yes I'm sure he is anxious about losing you, because it seems you are bringing in the money and managing everything, while he swans around at the gym, having coffee and seeing friends. Yes he would feel trapped if he didn't have you as it doesn't sound like he gets any money (though you mention statutory - do you mean statutory sick pay) You say "having no money for fuel will make him feel trapped" but it's one thing wanting to be able to drive but another thing to be driving miles and miles and leaving you to do everything, with a very young baby. I think it's time you stood up to him and tell him to "shape up or ship out" - never mind separate bank accounts!

Well if telling him you're having separate accounts might make him feel a bit like losing you - well tough - sorry. It strikes me that he is more anxious about losing his lifestyle, where he seems to do just as he likes, spend enormous sums of money and you are left with not enough money for you and the kids. He sounds really selfish.

Sorry to be so blunt but I feel angry on your behalf.

deadenddan Wed 04-Feb-15 00:20:31

Hey that makes difficult reading, I love him, he's a good man we've been together since 18. The children adore him and he loves them. I feel split in 2. The person who loves him and knows he has a warm heart and the cold one who feels like a mug and logically sees how unbalanced this is.

I put this here as I want to know how to handle making him see sense without making him worse.

We lost a business recently, he lost everything and made some serious mistakes but was also shafted by a friend. He did instantly get a job but after many years of self employment thusis was hard and the loss of pretty much everyone's respect has hit badly.

He can't stay in one place. Has turned from happy and loving to snappy and angry with the kids. He gets panic attacks, can't stay in one place too long hence the driving. Made mistakes at work because he went into panic attack mode and couldn't escape. Cries on his own in the car. Needs to be held constantly. Has black paranoid thoughts. Has had suicidal thoughts but hasn't considered doing it. He gas been to GP who gave citalopram and diazepam (sp?) But it spun him out unbelievably he couldn't function and has an addictive personality which makes the diazepam dodgy.

I have a free telephone counselling service through work but he keeps putting off calling them. He keeps trying to "fix" this by driving. Saying he just needs to get steady then he'll sort everything out but he wouldn't be trying to fix a broken leg alone would he? MH is just as much of an illness!

I'm plowing on but feel grey, feel very very grey.

I guess with splitting accounts I'm keeping myself and the thing that trips my panic button safe. I'm also forcing him to learn how much he actually spends I've been doing him no favours managing this but am scared it will make his MH worse.

Oh and yes 3 under 5 and a job outside the home at a fairly senior level and can't afford childcare other than 3 preschool sessions so trying to piecemeal that together!

deadenddan Wed 04-Feb-15 00:40:12

Oh and your specific qs:

His friend is also mentally struggling through a divorce. They cheer each other up. I think it involves beer (hmm). In reality though DH has never touched alcohol, against his beliefs so the fact he is drinking is a very bad sign in itself. He's never seen this friend in 6 years I actually made him send me a photo i was so disbelieving and what I think they are doing is trying to get some form of security, solace? Understanding from each other. He's needy right now and knows I am way too tapped out to give any more. He goes there or drives so his home isn't infected with his "dark place" only I'm becoming that. God it's liked in being dragged down the rabbit hole!

Statutory yes i meant statutory sick pay.

Selfish. Yes and he knows it. Keeps apologising. Has tried to give me a break but in all the wrong ways at all the wrong times and the baby now won't stay with him.

deadenddan Wed 04-Feb-15 00:46:17

Oh another symptom he doesn't eat. Maybe only every other day. His waist size is below where it was when I met him. And he doesn't want to see anyone bar that one friend. Yet fucks around on Facebook to old friends he's never seen in years like he can regress and go back. Will only add people he knew before in his old life and meets now in new work, none from his actual life. That includes me not added on FB.

Adarajames Wed 04-Feb-15 01:34:10

You really need to try and get him back to the GP, before the situation really does push one or the other of you over the edge,
I was given citilopram at one point, and I literally couldn't stay still or in one place,, made me all jittery and had to keep moving, so it may be he needs to be given different meds. You certainly can't goin as you are, with you shouldering basically everything; as for the money, you'll have to risk it upsetting him, but ideally get him to see the gp soon as can, and sit him down and calmly explain why you have to seperate the finances as you really do need to sort that regardless of the effect it could possibly have on him; losing your home would be a far worse situation to get through! X

deadenddan Wed 04-Feb-15 01:43:14

Adara thank you. I've been a bit obsessive watching the thread. In the bath now i can't go to bed which is nad because kids won't sleep long and I can't take middle 1 to nursery school session as I can't pay them!

He is ill right? That all does sound like he's genuinely ill? This has been a steady decline and I'm starting to think it's me going nuts and he is genuinely just this demon who is using me. He gets night sweats every night too. Dripping wet. Is that a symptom?

He's got a GP app on Thursday going to tell them he won't take those meds. I had to hold his heart for a full night on them. He panicked if i fell asleep and woke me and baby back up again and again until i was weeping then he let me sleep and went to pace outside. We can't do that again.

I'm going to have to do the finance thing. It's that or I sink too. If I know I'm safe I'll plow on. Might not be happy but I'll function if i know we have money and he isn't using me.

deadenddan Wed 04-Feb-15 01:44:34

Sorry shouldn't have said "going nuts"! You know what i mean blush

My typing is terrible too sorry!

DurpDurp Wed 04-Feb-15 01:51:47

Oh dear, what a sad post , I feel so sorry for you and for your DH. Seperate finances sound like a good plan but I can see it would be hard to raise without causing more stress to you and him.

There are lots of new accounts offering decent bribes if you sign up ( eg £150 cash, free AA cover or free travel or mobile insurance). Could you just pretend that you were so tempted that you had to signup for one. If that's too far fetched then perhaps you could just talk about the new accounts as a way to introduce the subject and then see how it goes.

Do you have help from any other family members. Are his parents about? Is there anyone else who can talk to him?

Having three kids under five is hard work at the best of times - I'm not suprised you are feeling like its getting overwhelming. You really must look after yourelf too.

I really hope you can get things sorted. It's a very difficult situation. thanks

notonyourninny Wed 04-Feb-15 07:59:05


notonyourninny Wed 04-Feb-15 08:06:24

You sound like a very caring partner. Please do protect yourself and dcs both financially and emotionally above all else.

Can you go to gp with him, make sure they know the full story?

Good luck.

MinceSpy Wed 04-Feb-15 08:11:27

OP what a dreadful situation. You need to put the children first. Go ahead and stop him having access to your bank account, don't finance his current life choices. Let him live on his ssp. As long as you enable him to spend £1500 a month on petrol and cigarettes he will carry on behaving this way.

CinnabarRed Wed 04-Feb-15 08:17:19

TBH, I don't think you have any choice other than to tackle your finances directly, albeit with as much empathy and compassion as you have shown in your posts.

It's not just about him, that's the thing. It's not even about you. It's about your DCs.

It's reached the stage where you can't pay their nursery fees. If you lose their places at nursery then you can't work. If you can't work then you can't provide for them.

I'm truly sorry your DH is in such a bad place. But you must act. And as soon as possible. He may not see it now, but one day he will understand all that you are doing for your family together.

lottiesatitagain Wed 04-Feb-15 08:21:06

Have I read that right? He is spending all his statutory sick pay plus most of your wages? Leaving you in debt and unable to pay nursery fees?

For me there would be no if or but about it. He would be off the current account immediately plus contributing to the household/paying back his debts.

As for driving to his friends for all night drinking affairs leaving you with three children, I would be tempted to tell him to stay there.

Nolim Wed 04-Feb-15 08:24:00

Sounds perfectly logical to me.

TheVioletTinsel Wed 04-Feb-15 08:34:47

Sounds like he could be having a manic reaction to his meds, op I hope the gp is helpful. What you suggest re finances you have to do in everyone's interests its not going to help his long term mh to let him spend uncontrollably

lemisscared Wed 04-Feb-15 08:36:14

your dh sounds very ill. if you can get him back to the drs please do. has he been offered counselling at all? it sounds like he has alot to process. there are other medicines that he can try.

as far as the finances go, you having control of them may well make him feel more secure but do make sure you keep him up to speed.

if you are struggling with debts there is help available. The national debtline is a good place to start.

your dh is lucky to have you. but you must look after your own mental hea

lemisscared Wed 04-Feb-15 08:36:53

oops posted to soon.

deadenddan Wed 04-Feb-15 08:38:07

Thanks, sorry always darkest before dawn and that, I was in a bad way last night, seems a little clearer this morning, though no less worrying.

When he woke last night he said I should have woken him rather than freak out alone and he had the nursery money for me, he would have given it earlier but I was sleeping when he got in (honestly ships that pass and all that) so thats one less worry today.

Lotties yes and do you know what if I was reading this i'd be saying that too, id be giving myself a good kick but this is absolutely out of character. I've always been happy that DH is the one home with me, never a pub goer, never the one out with friends, preferred to be home with his family if not working, and though he did always like to drive it was never to the detriment of our time. If anything he had the kids while I went out.

In his head its totally logical, he needs to escape, he can't be "black" in front of the kids by going there he comes "up" again and can be there for his family. only it doesn't last long, so he drives and on and on we go. His logic is currently not working at all, he has absolutely no idea he's spent that much, I only just worked it out last night.

So today I have to face him with the cold numbers and hope to god it doesn't lose the precarious stability that he is on today and make him unable to function as he has a meeting to sell some of the business stuff to recoup some money.

Durp want me to make it sadder? It was 24 hours post birth with DC3 when the business collapsed, I was alone all day in NICU with baby who had Group B Strep (we were in for a week it was awful) and no one came to see me and I couldn't figure out why I was alone, no one answered my calls, he came at the end of the day and had to break it to me. Everyone had avoided me until he could. I am saying that smiling at the bloody awfulness of it btw, laugh instead of cry and all that!

Cinnabar thank you, hearing he'll understand in the long run helps, it really does.

expatinscotland Wed 04-Feb-15 08:41:44

Definitely stop his access to money simply because you have to be able to pay for your children first.

DurpDurp Wed 04-Feb-15 10:36:47

I'm glad you are feeling a little better. Maybe if you make sure you have all you finances laid out clearly he will be able to see that you have no choice but to seperate your finances for the benefit of ALL of you. If you have time (I know it's doubtful wink ) you could look at MoneySavingExpert website for advice on how to do a complete 'statement of affairs'. It might be useful to use as a framework. ( Sorry if I'm teaching grandma to suck eggs - feel free to ignore if you have all this in hand)

It must be so hard for you to seperate your DHs MH with 'him' iyswim. Hopefully he will get the help he needs very soon.

That's terrible to hear about the buisness folding straight after you gave birth. What awful timing! It the type of thing you hope that only happens in crummy movies.

thanks fingers crossed for a better day.

deadenddan Wed 04-Feb-15 12:06:57

Well it's done. He didn't want to hear the detail (though I have it). He ran at first then calmed. But he's struggling. It's not the fact of separation as I worried about more that he now genuinely has to face that our life has changed so dramatically that we have to count coppers to function. He's been shielded from that for ever. I've done him and us no favours.

I also think though there was a little relief in him to know I'll be safe and calm enough to manage the DCs, home and be there for him not panicky and resentful.

Thank you all and do you mind if I hang around in here for advice on how to best support him through his MH issues?

Nolim Wed 04-Feb-15 12:11:25

Good for you.

notonyourninny Wed 04-Feb-15 13:03:16

Glad u did. Stay strong.

NanaNina Wed 04-Feb-15 13:18:30

Apologies for my post late last night deadenddan it was really tactless and that sometimes happens when I post late at night - must stop doing it! As a sufferer of MH issues myself I am usually more than empathetic with a fellow sufferer. My only defence for that post is that you didn't say very much about his mental health and it just seemed like he was being reckless. Now I see you have posted much more and thankfully got more sympathetic responses! Your DH sounds like he definitely is suffering from depression and anxiety, but maybe the anxiety is uppermost as people do become agitated and restless sometimes when the anxiety gets a grip of them. You too need to look after yourself more, as you have an unbelievably heavy load.........

Look I won't post any more as I'm ashamed of that post, and I think you were very restrained in your response, but apologies once again and sending you and DH warm wishes through cyberspace.

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