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Is this normal - I'm a bit worried and have scared myself a bit

(11 Posts)
foslady Tue 27-Jan-15 11:08:45

Off work for 2 weeks with stress as of last Thursday, was shaking and crying and no longer could keep everything under control and it all got too much. So far I couldn't even park in the works carpark to take my sick note in and someone else had to take it in for me, struggling to focus on anything, felt sick with worry on Sunday even though I knew I wasn't going there and even hated having to go into the town that work is based at so dd could do her activity, but then today, after a reasonable day yesterday (trying to find a positive every day and so far have managed it) I got a call to arrange for the assessment call for counselling. By the end of it I was all stressed and teary and have been crying on and off for the last hour since she called. I decided to write it all down in a journal so I can hopefully look back and see progress. I put the book down and since then I keep looking at it and instead of being helpful I find it 'concerning'. I picked it up and told myself that it is ok and 'safe', but I'm scared now that I'm worse than I thought, how can you be scared of a note book? I have to get myself back in control, it's just me and dd. I've managed to hide most of this from her, she did see me on Wednesday when it hit a bit, and the next day was really worried about me. I need to protect her from this (I think I picked up on my mums anxiety as a child and 'learnt' this behaviour from her, not that I'd ever tell her so have always been worried that it would be picked up and passed on to the next generation).

Please could someone just reassure me that this is ok to be like this and that the book thing is a side effect of the counselling? I feel so stupid writing this down, I really want the counselling as I see it as a positive thing maybe it's because it's a bigger step than I thought and not a little one - is that ir or am I clutching at straws to make me feel better about this?

hoochymama1 Tue 27-Jan-15 11:23:32

Much love to you, foslady. It sounds like your doing all the right things, just rest and be kind to yourself, you will feel better, but it will take time. Return to the gp if you are feeling worse and cannot cope. Is there anyone who can help you with Dd?

foslady Tue 27-Jan-15 12:03:31

Thanks Hoochymama, she has her dad, but she doesn't like going there that much, prefers to be home and tbh she'd worry about me more if she went there and I like her to be here. I just worry that I'm more broke than I think and it will take forever to come back to me - whoever she is

hoochymama1 Tue 27-Jan-15 18:28:45

Yes, it sounds like she is best close to you. It is a shock to be mentally unwell, and you are probably pretty tired too. You will feel better, but it takes time. Be gentle and patient with yourself, be your own best friend,and ask for help when you need it.
Think of stuff that you enjoy doing, and dont feel guilty!
All the best to you, I hope you feel better soon thanks

foslady Tue 27-Jan-15 21:09:48

Thank you for taking the time for me - you have helped to make a difference for me today.....new day tomorrowflowers

NanaNina Tue 27-Jan-15 21:22:25

Hello foslady - I suffer from intermittent depression (which can be sever at times) and to a lesser extent anxiety. I'm wondering if there was any trigger to this bout of anxiety and whether you have had similar episodes in the past. You mention "stress" - is this work stress or something else, or has it just arisen at random. Sorry to ask so many Qs.

Anxiety is the medical name for fear of course and it IS very scary to feel so out of control. I think it can only really be understood by people who have first hand experience. I do wonder if you are also feeling depressed as crying bouts are a symptom of depression as you probably know.

I keep a journal and write down how every day is and on bad days the writing is very big and lots of swear words! I then add up the good days each month and I can keep a check on how I am, and I finding writing down how I feel is therapeutic. I think when we're anxious the anxiety somehow "feeds on itself" and we can become anxious about anything, and maybe that's what's happening to you with the notebook. It's probably best not to look at it if it's worrying you.

I'm not sure what you mean by the "assessment call for counselling" - was this some kind of initial assessment on the phone? I'm not surprised it upset you as that would be a difficult thing to deal with at the best of times! What kind of counselling are you having - is this on the NHS? If so it is probably CBT which some people find helpful.

How old is your DD - I know it's difficult with MH issues when you have young children. Did the GP suggest meds at all and would you be willing to try them I wonder.

Lots of support on MN MH thread. Take care and sending you warm wishes through cyberspace.

foslady Tue 27-Jan-15 22:14:49

Hi There NanaNina

I've never been formally diagnosed, but yes I do have depressive bouts. When I was 5 I started showing signs of anxiety but the Dr just told my mum to 'keep an eye on me' (this was the early 70's so it was that or heavy meds which he didn't believe in for a child of that age).

My life circs aren't easy - dd's dad walked out on us a few years ago after a 'not easy' relationship. I've always been the one who everything falls on to sort IYSWIM, so being out of control is REALLY scary but I know the 1st thing is to get that under control, because as you said, fear feeds off fear.

I'm not on a great wage in a stressful job (Customer Services in housing) that I don't really like but sort of feel grateful for having after being made redundant from my previous job that I loved. The last 3 days prior to me going to the Docs were particularly stressful to the point that I knew if I didn't seek help I was risking my job.

Because of all this I've devoted my time to dd which I don't regret at all - she's a great child who is bright and friendly and works hard - a real credit to herself and we have an amazing mother/daughter bond. But in amongst this I've sort of lost 'me' if that makes sense, and now concentrating on me seems alien. She's 12 next month and very perceptive and picks up on feelings straight away, so I want to protect her and try and break the cycle of passing anxious behaviours on (and please don't think I'm blaming anyone else here for how I am, it's just the way how it's been and I actually feel empathy for those adults I grew up around who have had the issues I am going through now).

The call was to book me in tomorrow for the actual assessment over the phone. It is NHS, so I'm really hoping it will have CBT to it as I know my mind set is totally wrong. I have a copy of CBT for dummies which I really must blow the dust off and actually read, but even that has been something I've subconsciously put off - I've always been worried about what exploring me might uncover, and whilst I was coping I was OK.

Thank you for taking the time to reply - I really do appreciate it. All this is so out of my comfort zone and for you to take the time to reassure me is so kind of you flowers

MrsMinton Tue 27-Jan-15 22:21:58

It will get better but in the meantime you need to be very kind to yourself. If you had a broken leg you'd rest and accept help. It's the same thing now. You've become worn out by the sound of it and now you need to have the help. I was very emotional sorting out my counselling but it has helped my anxiety immensely. If you'd like to ask anything or talk then I please feel free to PM me. I had a lot of support on this board when I first found out why I felt so dreadful and it was good to talk to others further along than me. flowers

foslady Tue 27-Jan-15 22:39:16

Thank you so much for your kind offer MrsMinton, thank you for letting me know it's not just me who found the calls stressful - I kept telling myself it's a big step not just a little one so it's ok to get upset.

I have found myself saying a few times recently that I'm worn down from trying to juggle everything recently......and I am so tired!

MrsMinton Tue 27-Jan-15 23:02:47

You sound just like I did. The weight of all that juggling just gets too much.
I took three attempts to ring. They were so very kind and said the same as you: it's a big thing to make that call. Well done for doing it. I had CBT through NHS counselling. It's been very helpful.

foslady Wed 28-Jan-15 15:39:55

Well, I'm happy with the assessment.

Lots of difficult questions (and a few more tears!) but she was nice about it all.

She said I had v high scores on both anxiety and depression (the only thing I didn't score high on was suicidal thoughts and that's due to dd), need to start looking at me and am in a cyclical pattern of being self critical and bringing myself down and then being self critical again (no shit Sherlock!!!). She has offered self guiding CBT which is what I was hoping for. She also said about possibly approaching the Dr re meds due to my scores but I'm going to keep an open mind and see how I feel when I see him next. Waiting times are approx 4 weeks max, hopefully sooner so we'll see how it goes (far better than when someone else I know went).

I'm feeling positive about it all still, and that I can be fixed - which is all I can hope for (and I'm saying that in a positive way!)

Thank you everyone for taking time out for me - I really appreciated it flowers

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