I've been depressed on and off since DD was born in 99. I have taken citalopram for much of that time. From time to time I come off it to see if I can cope and usually manage 6-8 months before I have to resort to it again. Last time I came off them I left it too long and ended up at the lowest I have ever been - near suicidal. At the same time DH decided to start an affair with a colleague (apparently he thought I didn;t love him anymore). I got control of it all, recovered, we are still together and a lot of talking has been done, and issues raked over. But I guess the one thing I have never really talked to him about is my depression - he is scared of it I think and doesn't understand. He accepts that it happens but likes me to take the drugs and just shut up about it - not unkindly, as I said it scares him.
I am at my lowest ebb at this time of year. A few weeks ago I realised I would have to start the cit again but of course it takes a while to really help. Christmas has left me exhausted and I haven't been sleeping well. This morning I went downstairs to make tea and found my brand new tea pot had been smashed by a bowl falling out of the cupboard onto it. It just broke me - DH was totally confused 'it's just a teapot' and finally I managed to explain it all to him. I am a very anxious person and when the house is chaotic I feel more so. I have 3 kids, a dog and two cats and a H that doesn't give a toss about how clean the house is. I feel like bloody King Canute holding back the tide of chaos. It's always one step forward and two steps back. And it isn't just that I don't like mess, it hurts me, it makes me anxious. I spend my time walking round with virutal blinkers on so i don't see the mess. And when I get really anxious, I start to worry more about the other things I have to do, the other problems, and they all loom larger and more terrifying, Then eventually, when the anxiety reaches an unmanageable pitch, the depression starts. For me, it is the logical result of not being able to keep my world safe, to simple switch off, and pull the blanket around my head.
I don't know if he understood. It made an impact on him I guess as he went and did the washing up and went to the GP for my prescription (hurray!), but I don't think he quite understands. But the best thing is that I understand - for the first time ever I have been able to rationalise and express how I feel and why I think it happens. It feels like a small victory for me.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.
Mental health
Opened my heart to DH this morning. I think I was heard.
6 replies
IrianofWay · 02/01/2015 13:16
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.