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Opened my heart to DH this morning. I think I was heard.(7 Posts)
I've been depressed on and off since DD was born in 99. I have taken citalopram for much of that time. From time to time I come off it to see if I can cope and usually manage 6-8 months before I have to resort to it again. Last time I came off them I left it too long and ended up at the lowest I have ever been - near suicidal. At the same time DH decided to start an affair with a colleague (apparently he thought I didn;t love him anymore). I got control of it all, recovered, we are still together and a lot of talking has been done, and issues raked over. But I guess the one thing I have never really talked to him about is my depression - he is scared of it I think and doesn't understand. He accepts that it happens but likes me to take the drugs and just shut up about it - not unkindly, as I said it scares him.
I am at my lowest ebb at this time of year. A few weeks ago I realised I would have to start the cit again but of course it takes a while to really help. Christmas has left me exhausted and I haven't been sleeping well. This morning I went downstairs to make tea and found my brand new tea pot had been smashed by a bowl falling out of the cupboard onto it. It just broke me - DH was totally confused 'it's just a teapot' and finally I managed to explain it all to him. I am a very anxious person and when the house is chaotic I feel more so. I have 3 kids, a dog and two cats and a H that doesn't give a toss about how clean the house is. I feel like bloody King Canute holding back the tide of chaos. It's always one step forward and two steps back. And it isn't just that I don't like mess, it hurts me, it makes me anxious. I spend my time walking round with virutal blinkers on so i don't see the mess. And when I get really anxious, I start to worry more about the other things I have to do, the other problems, and they all loom larger and more terrifying, Then eventually, when the anxiety reaches an unmanageable pitch, the depression starts. For me, it is the logical result of not being able to keep my world safe, to simple switch off, and pull the blanket around my head.
I don't know if he understood. It made an impact on him I guess as he went and did the washing up and went to the GP for my prescription (hurray!), but I don't think he quite understands. But the best thing is that I understand - for the first time ever I have been able to rationalise and express how I feel and why I think it happens. It feels like a small victory for me.
You put that so very well, you are obviously an insightful sensitive person. I also have two children, two dogs, two cats a full time job and a massive house. I can't stand mess, it's a recipe for my MH disasters.
I dropped the roast potatoes on Christmas Day, fell to the floor and sobbed that I had ruined Christmas. Poor DH and my kids. I was just so, so sad about the spuds.
You description of King Canute is perfect.
My husband is becoming more understanding now. He's never going to have the same standard of housekeeping as me, but he is now more proactive and that helps to keep my anxiety down a little.
I hope your meds kick in soon and that your message has got through. Hugs
Thanks itsn't. I totally understand the sobbing over the spuds. I managed to be totally up-beat over christmas - I had one meltdown about a week before that which initiated going back on the meds - but since then I had been up up up! But it's false and I know it would only be a matter of time before the crash.
I would love a proactive H. He does things for me - he will go and scrape the windscreen of my car before I go to work for example and in many ways he is very caring - but the biggest help he could be is to make some serious attempt to see the mess and help me to do something about it.
Mine scrapes my car windows too, but stuffs dirty socks and crisp packets down the side of the sofa.
I've been trying to train him for years. They tend to improve for a while and then slip. I do love him dearly but he JUST DOESN'T SEE MESS!!!
In the end we reached a compromise and hired a cleaner - then he was too ashamed that the cleaner would see his slobby ways. Would you be able to do that? I tend to tidy each room before she gets to it. It does help a bit
I would love a cleaner but can't afford one at the moment. Maybe when one or other of the kids is working and can pay us some keep.....
Have you read Ruby Wax's book Sane New World. If not read it now. She like you has great insight and has really been through the mill anxiey /depression wise as well as deeply researching the science behind therapies available today. Its very readable and funny too as you would expect. Good luck. X
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