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just need to talk

(13 Posts)

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sleepwhendead Tue 30-Dec-14 19:53:23

hi
ive been on mn ages. ive namechanged.

i had some mh issues in past but ive done something that i cant go back on. ive really messed my life up and a lot of other peoples too. i cant talk about it but its bad.
tonight my dh hit me. i deserved it and ive done something terrible. he broke things in the house. i am supposed to be at work tomorrow. i have no where to sleep and havent had for a few weeks.

dh and i are spitting up because of me. i have no one left. my children are gone. my friends are being supportive but tonight dh told me they are only pretending and they think im reckless and stupid.

i came off my ADs a month ago and i should not have done. i tried to go back on them but they just make me physically sick.

all week ive been asking for signs for what to do. signs from who i dont know but my sister died and i felt like she was sending me messages - yes i know how nuts this sounds.

tonight i feel like ive just had enough.

i have lost everything. everything. i feel numb and tired and i dont want to carry on this way.
i would not make any attempt on my life that would fail - not sure that tablets are a good way anyway.

i dont sleep normally but its worse now. things have been ok sort of for a few days but i realise they will never be ok for me again.

i dont have anything left. i will be starting again with nothing and no one. its not worth it. im happy in my own company and if i could just go and live on a desert island i would but ive hurt too many people and i cant put it right.

i feel agony every minute of every day. but i look alright. and i act alright. i cant get any peace, not at home, not at work and not in sleep. i will be taking sleeping tablets tonight because i physically need to sleep, im exhausted and im supposed to be going to work. if i dont go i will just be stuck here with my own thoughts.

i will not go to gp and i will not talk to anyone about this so i am on my own working this out. dont suggest it please. ive gone past that. i will either get through this or i wont.

MincePionaMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 30-Dec-14 22:33:45

Hi there OP,
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on jo@samaritans.org. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Apologies for hijacking your thread, OP. We really hope things look up for you soon.

MrsPepperMintonCandyCane Tue 30-Dec-14 22:41:36

Would you look at these materials online? Try and work through some of the activities? There are relaxation exercises too.

www.getselfhelp.co.uk

Your ADs would help if you can get past the side effects bit at the start.

I'm sure your friends are actually there for you. I hope you can find some peace and get some rest flowers

CaulkheadUpNorth Tue 30-Dec-14 22:55:14

Maybe see your doctor for some new ADs if those ones make you nauseous? If you can't get a doctors apt you can go to the walk in centre with the medication you have, sometimes that works.

sleepwhendead Tue 30-Dec-14 23:32:08

i can and am happy to go back on the sertraline i was on but its just getting past the first few weeks of nausea - i cant work while i get past that bit - i shouldnt have come off them - ive been on them for about 3 years and only when i came off them did my life fall to pieces, which is typically good timing where im concerned.

i have some time accrued to take so if i get enough time off will go back on the ADs.

they worked for me really well and im not keen to take anything different - but i just cant work and get through the initial side effects - also things very hectic at home and having to do lots of work in the house as it is going on market shortly.

cant afford time off any of these things to lay doing nothing while feeling sick and dizzy.

had a good cry and feel a little better now. but need to sleep, am exhausted.

bluebell345 Wed 31-Dec-14 08:22:39

sorry you feeling that waysmile
could you restart sertraline in very small doses, like 25mg every other day and increase slowly?
best wishes. x.

YuloidSubstances Wed 31-Dec-14 16:00:35

YOU DID NOT DESERVE TO BE HIT

SunshineBossaNova Wed 31-Dec-14 16:16:36

sleep can your GP prescribe some anti-nausea meds for the first few weeks?

SunshineBossaNova Wed 31-Dec-14 16:17:43

I've just seen your first post. I agree with Yuloid, you don't deserve to be hit. flowers

sleepwhendead Wed 31-Dec-14 17:01:45

i deserved everything ive got. which is sweet fuck all.

missed call from gp so will make appt next week - in meantime i have some leftover tablets and ill just take half the dose and build it up.

got some time off soon. took 50mg tonight - tried it the other day and promptly brought it back again.

cant drink tonight anyway and plan is bath and early night.

MrsPepperMintonCandyCane Thu 01-Jan-15 20:02:00

How are you feeling today sleep?

sleepwhendead Thu 01-Jan-15 21:27:57

feeling low.
im wiating for things to get better but i think i will be waiting for a long long time.

i did talk to dd tonight and we had a cry and a cuddle. she felt abandoned. i have to start putting things right with those i can build bridges with.

ive pressed the nuke button on my entire life.

MrsPepperMintonCandyCane Thu 01-Jan-15 22:03:53

It might take a while to sort but building bridges is a good start. Small steps will get you there. I'm not sure what caused all this but I do know you have support here if you need it.

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