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Bpd sufferers, please talk to me.

(13 Posts)
Celestria Mon 29-Dec-14 15:08:30

I am thinking of going to my gp and asking about this.

I really struggle with my identity. I'm never really sure who I am deep down. I feel like I just adopt things from the people I am closest to.

I have mood swings. I can go from feeling extremely happy and positive to heart broken sad.

I either hold on to people tightly and think they are amazing, or push them away and want to shut myself off from the world. I desperately want to be loved and secure, but if I feel I am, I destroy it. I sometimes think I could never have a normal settled relationship because I can't trust it for what it is.

I was very promiscuous when I was younger and am unfaithful in relationships. Not all of them but most. I usually cheat on a partner to try and finish a relationship. But then I don't want it to be over when it is.

I suffer anxiety and feelings of unreality. I had a breakdown in the new year and have been on 100mg sertraline ever since.

I was separated from my mum when I was two for ten years. Abused by a cousin and when I finally spoke up, nothing was done. My teen years were a mess of my mum coming back into my life after being brought up believing my step mum was my mum. Violence in the home towards my older brother and me trying to protect him.

I just feel that I've been unstable ever since I became a young adult and I'm tired of wondering why things are the way they are. I came across bpd in a magazine and now wonder if that might be an explanation.

Celestria Wed 31-Dec-14 16:30:55


weegiemum Wed 31-Dec-14 16:33:57

Are you asking about bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? The initials are used pretty interchangeably on here!

Celestria Wed 31-Dec-14 19:32:34

Oh of course. Borderline personality disorder. Sorry.

CaulkheadUpNorth Wed 31-Dec-14 21:28:43

I have this. It was diagnosed by my psychiatrist.

Have a look on the mind or rethink websites, they were really helpful for me.

Celestria Thu 01-Jan-15 00:17:29

This website made me really start to wonder caulk. Thanks for replying.

One of the major things I am aware of about myself is that I never feel I know who I am. When I'm around other people, I am whoever I think they want me to be, or behave in ways ive learned they like about me. I change myself depending on them. When I'm on my own, I don't feel I have an identity. I'm a joker with some people. A listener with others. I do things with others that I know they like but wouldn't bother doing on my own and don't really care for those things on my own. If someone I like is into something, I learn how to do it.

I've often sat and wondered what I do actually like. I have always read. But that's because my family made such a fuss over my reading abilities. If there is no one about I don't read. Things like that.

The sort of things I do like are really things I can go numb minded doing. Let's say gaming. I will play games on my phone. Do I really enjoy it? I don't think so. What I enjoy is just not having to think. Monotony.

I feel like I'm a very unlikable person. I do still have one friend and we've been friends since I was two. I went to see her today and in the back of my mind I'm thinking, she doesn't really like me. Why would she?

If anyone does me wrong, although initially i will stand up for myself, afterward no matter how serious it is, I will want them back in my life and will apologise even when I shouldn't. I'm depressed at the moment. I know I am. Largely because I've just lost a friend of four years. And though she treated me badly at the time we fell out, I'm struggling with the rejection and loss. Same as a boyfriend I was with only for six months. Again he treated me badly, cheated on me. But I was literally heart broken for six months.

I have said before I don't want to have new people in my life, because people leaving and them never being a part of my life again affects me really badly.

When I do become friends with someone I literally adore them. Totally loyal, would do anything for them and think how amazing they are. Excuse everything they might do that is not so good and no matter how I am treated, I'd rather have them in my life than deal with the rejection of them going.

I can be whoever anyone wants me to be. I think I've done it all my life. I just can't be me because I'm not sure who that is.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 01-Jan-15 09:14:49

Yep, you pretty much sound like me.

However, I would massively recommend private therapy. That way, you sort of figure out if those things are traits which are due to life, or whether they are things which you seem unable to change.

I don't know how good gps are at diagnosing it. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist, and it was him who diagnosed me. This is after about 15 years of feeling this way. I only ended up under his care following an overdose. He is at the community mh place.

Celestria Thu 01-Jan-15 09:48:30

Sadly I am a lone parent and can't afford private. It's a three year waiting list to see a psychiatrist up here.

Last year I cut my wrist badly. Seven stitches. I'd never done anything like that before. I self harmed as a teenager but not badly, light scarring. I was just in so much emotional pain, I couldn't handle it. I wasn't offered any kind of assistance though. Just stitched up.

I guess my gp is my first boat of call. Thanks.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 01-Jan-15 09:55:49

Start with the gp. It's worth thinking though, if the gp is able to diagnose it, what difference that will make.

In my case, I'm on medication to lift, and even out my mood. The psychiatrist prescribes it. There isn't a medication which can make you stop feeling that way, if that makes sense. I think there are some nhs therapies which are really good for BPD but I've never accessed them, so I don't know.

Celestria Thu 01-Jan-15 10:05:10

The only thing the gp could do is put me on the list to see the psychiatrist. I'd need to see him first. I don't think there are even any private psychiatrists up here (wee town in the highlands)

I am already on medication. Sertraline 100mg for a severe depressive episode. I saw a psychiatrist twice during that, but it was just for him to prescribe the meds. He did say he suspected I had something underlying all my life but wouldn't elaborate on that when I asked him. He wanted me to have cbt and has told my gp I can refer myself to the nhs psychiatrist at any point.

I did see a private counsellor but couldn't keep it up at £35 a time. She said she thought I needed long term psychiatric help.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 01-Jan-15 10:09:03

I imagine the gp would still be able to rush you through, three years seems a massive amount of time time wait.

I'm on citalopram, lithium, quetiapine, lorazepam and promazine. This is all very very new, and it does seem to change how I feel about situations or people, but takes the edge off feeling things so strongly.

I'm possibly not making any sense, sorry.

creamhearts Thu 01-Jan-15 10:17:00

I have a diagnosis of bpd. DBT Is the therapy that should be offered for BPD, it lasts a year and is fairly intensive. I have nearly finished it, it helps you deal with regulating your emotions, managing in a crisis, and dealing with relationships. I have found it boring tbh but some of it is helpful. I also take meds but therapy is where it is at with bpd.

I don't know if you have a pd but it is worth investigating for your own peace of mind. Your gp can refer you to cmht.

Gatheringthoughtstothink Tue 06-Jan-15 01:33:43

I have B PD, BP has also been mentioned.
It takes some getting used to what it all means.
The stuff you've writen is good, I will be thinking of you.

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