I have nothing to live for. Want to kill myself.

[DevastatedDecember]

I am 30. I spent Christmas alone as my family can't be arsed with me any longer because I'm so feeble, I have severe depression and a long term illness that flared up and made me very unwell, including falling and knocking myself out on Monday and needing 2 stitches in the back of my head. A family member did call on Christmas Day to ask if I was ok. It's not their fault they're reluctant to engage with me, it is because I have nothing to offer anyone. I feel like an alien, I don't know how to converse about normal life things because I have had my throat stamped on so much I just lie paralysed watching the world go by.

It's been a very lonely week, and am realising today that there is nothing to look forward to. Nothing can ever change.

I have no job after getting fired last month. All of my doctors do not think I am fit to work full time at the moment and I have to agree. But I'm also poor and have no way out. I will look for a part time job now in January but I will still just be scraping along, no security, no way of saving a penny, no way of building a better financial future.

I live in a houseshare and find not having my own space a massive strain this last while. I will never be able to afford to have my own rented place, let alone buy. I would love a pet for a companion and can't have this as per landlord's rules.

I have an attachment disorder which means I probably will be on my own for the rest of my life. What is the point. I'd love to be a mum, have a family, but it's not going to happen. I'm just going to be on my own in pain forever with no respite, until the time I finally fall and bang my head and it's over, instead of needing stitches.

Very suicidal tonight in a weird, strange way. I feel like I should kill myself because there is no other road to try, and the thought of another whole year of shit and pain has me in tears and gulping down wine. But it isn't fair. I shouldn't have to kill myself as the best option, there should be another way. I just can't find it.

Please don't tell me to move from London. It has taken years of fighting and pushing and fighting to build the medical team around me that I have now (including a psychiatrist I trust, and a psychologist who has helped me a lot) who could hopefully keep me able-bodied for as long as possible. Living in other parts of the UK I had nowhere near the care I had I have an appointment with different specialists once a week on average.

I don't know what to do, there is nothing I can do. Please help me. I can't stop thinking that suicide is the best choice. Not going to actually do anything, but oh god the pain from everything is ripping me in two.

[wantsaneasylife]

Oh love. I didn't want to read and run, your pain is almost tangible. I'm here for a handhold until someone more useful comes along. For what it's worth, you seem very articulate and intelligent even though you're really up against it at the moment, and I'm sure you can find it in you to get the support you need.

[HoHonutty]

Sweetheart, do you have anyone to talk to in RL about this? Are your house mates around?

[millimat]

Sorry I don't feel I can help but can't leave this unanswered. Can you contact your psychiatrist or psychologist immediately? If not ring Samaritans? There IS a way out, you just need to find it x

[Chuffingelves01]

Oh love I have no experience of this that I could help you with but could you call the Samaritans? Is there anyone you could talk to?

[ToffeeWhirl]

Am also hand-holding. Am so sorry you feel so sad.

[Kinraddie]

You need to talk to a real person, please phone the Samaritans now. Can you do that? Suicide is not the answer. Please pick up the phone and talk to someone.

[Baddz]

I couldn't read your post and not reply although I don't really feel I have anything useful to say
Your sound very depressed - understandably so from all you have written.
You say you have a good team around you...do you have an emergency/crisis contact number?
The Samaritans are there 24/7 365 days a year.
I'm so sorry you feel this way...
I am sure your family would be so upset to know you feel so bad.
I also have a long term medical condition and I know how isolating it can be.
Do you have a follow up appt on Monday for your head injury?
X

[Kinraddie]

Call Samaritans on 08457 909090 or email [email protected] . There are people ready to talk to you now.

[CassieBearRawr]

The Samaritans number if you want it - 08457 90 90 90

You have a future to live for December, it just doesn't seem that way now. x

[DevastatedDecember]

Thank you.

No, my housemates are gone home for Christmas. I do have some good friends but they are with their families, enjoying time off work socialising and catching up with loved ones, and I have leaned on them so much this year that I am definitely not going to spoil their downtime by calling them like this.

Can't get hold of psych team until Monday at the earliest. There's nothing anyone can do anyway, this is the reality of my life and there's no drug or counselling that can make it go away.

[ProcrastinaRemNunc]

Are you in touch with your local CMHT? If so, they will have someone on duty who can help, please give them a call.

You say that "nothing can ever change" and I know at times, it certainly feels this way. The truth is, anything can change at any time, no matter how impossible or limited your options currently feel.

Hang on to the thought of a new job starting soon. Who knows what opportunities that might open up for you?

Have hope. There is always something beyond our darkest days. You have to be here to find out what that something could mean for you.

[Quitelikely]

You can't have tried every path!?

Ok so you say you are poor, have you thought about going to college and learning about something you love, retraining in a new career, doing an access course so you can go to uni?

Have you thought about looking for a live in position in a nice hotel/country house?

You are attending your appointments so that's a step in the right direction but the life you lead seems to be a lonely one and that can make anyone seem pointless and feel worthless.

One of the hardest things about being in your position is that you really have to force yourself to make your own changes. Understanding that no one is going to come along and help you can be a hard realisation, a smack in the face if you like, but you can do this. It is possible to turn your life around.

Do you have parents? Sisters?

[TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet]

Hello Devastated Decemeber.
So sorry to hear you've had a rubbish Christmas. This time of year is frankly a bit shit as it's full unrealistic expectations of the world imho on a whole variety of levels.

We really hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here.


You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We're so sorry for hijacking your thread DevastatedDecember, we really hope that you get some RL support to help you move towards a LessJadedJanuary.

very very kindest to you
MNHQ

[Quitelikely]

You say it's the reality and no one can make it go away - yes they can. That person is you. You hold they key to it all.

[netty7070]

This time of year can be so hard can't it? It's meant to be all about loved ones plus it's almost the new year so people take stock of their lives.
You know you shouldn't kill yourself. Please speak to someone asap, the Samaritans would be a good starting place.
Being ill isn't your fault, being depressed isn't your fault. You are a good person in a difficult situation.x

[DevastatedDecember]

I don't want to sound horrible but I never fare well from talking to The Samaritans. It makes me feel worse. They get to hang up the phone and I'm still stuck in my life with all the problems afterwards.

My family do know how bad I feel. They know I struggle with suicide feeling like the only option, that I have been working with the crisis team before, they don't want to talk about it. They can't cope with it.

I have a crisis number, but they will say "are you going to do anything to harm yourself now" and truthfully, I am not, I just want to very badly. So they will say it's not appropriate for them to work with me right now. If I get frightened I will lose control, I will phone them.

I just wish I could make suicide as an attractive option get the fuck out of my head.

[ChristmasHiccups]

Although obviously I don't have the same situation as you - I had my own set of problems and felt the same way - suicidak- for what seemed the longest time.

I was persuaded to delay killing myself for 6 months - after all what's 6 months?

And I'm so so glad I did.

I'm now 7 years on. I have the family I thought I'd never have. Although my life is not perfect - I am lacking a bit in friends and only had 1 present to open on Christmas day, I am working on it. It's still a work I progress and I love life now. I love my 2 rug rats, and dp.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary feeling/situation. Life is always changing. If you can, set a date for 6 months (or whatever) hence, and if you still feel the same, having given it your best shot....?

[millimat]

You say your family find it hard to deal with. Imagine how they'd feel if you did go through with it.

[CassieBearRawr]

Shall I tell you something December? Once I was very depressed. One day I was washing my hands and it suddenly hit me that I was going to feel depressed forever. It hit me like a bloody freight train and the thought was so overwhelmingly terrifying I burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. The thought of those feelings (or absence of feelings!) forever! Oh hell no.

I don't feel like that any more. Things can change, it is possible to get help. x

[DevastatedDecember]

Quitelikely, I have a postgrad qualification. I could not get funding to retrain even if there was something I wanted to do passionately.

I can't work full time, so looking for positions where accom is included isn't practical for me. Nor can I leave London at the present time. I would want to be a lot more stable in my health before separating off from all my medical supports.

[ToffeeWhirl]

Your friends would rather you called them than suffered like this. You sound to me like you have been alone too long this week and desperately need RL company. Is there anyone you can ring and arrange to meet up with?

[Quitelikely]

Well then you know your financial position is temporary, so that's something right?

Are your meds working as good as they could do you feel?

[ChristmasHiccups]

Incidentally, in addition to other medication and treatment for other conditions, the 3 things that have helped me the most are mindfulness exercises, vitamin d supplements and omega 3 supplements. Situation did not change but my outlook on it did - which then enabled me to change my situation.
Might be worth a try?

[Quitelikely]

Could I ask what your career is?

[DevastatedDecember]

Cassie, what did you do that helped you change your circumstances?

My adoptive mum died 5 years ago. I wanted to kill myself then, and thought no just wait, things will get easier. They haven't. Year on year has got worse and harder from every angle- money wise, health wise, socially. My resources have run out, it feels like.

My family would be relieved if I just fucking did it already. They don't really care about me, it's a dutiful phone call once a week full of uneasy silences and stilted murmurs because they don't really want to know I'm not coping but I won't lie outright anymore. I can't. It was making me feel mad to have to pretend I was ok.