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I have a 7 week old baby and some suicudal thoughts. Is this just rational?

(142 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

splendide Sun 21-Dec-14 13:08:18

My DS is 7 weeks today and I don't think I can handle being a mum. The sleep deprevation is killing me, I'm feeding him constantly. He had a tongue tie which went undiagnosed until Wednesday just gone. He hasn't gained much weight and is only about 7lbs now. I was hoping things would be better after the tongue tie snip but they aren't.

Anyway I'm having some pretty dark thoughts and I know I should tell the HV or GP but what could they do? It's pretty rational to want out of this situation. Do meds really make any difference? I'll still be a mother who can't feed her child and still having no sleep and still in a situation where ive ruined my life. How are drugs or counselling going to change that?

UrsulaBuffay Sun 21-Dec-14 13:12:47

Oh love yes the lack of sleep etc will still be there but you'll be helped to cope so much easier. You must tell them

It is hard for everyone you're not different or failing you're knackered and hormonal it's normal - you must look after yourself first and foremost

VivaLeBeaver Sun 21-Dec-14 13:12:49

Talking to someone, ideally a professional will help a lot. Maybe someone can help discuss feeding options? You shouldn't feel a failure if you choose to bottle feed. Its not your fault baby has a tongue tie, etc. mode of feeding is such a small part of being a mum. Being a happy mum is more important than breastfeeding, much more important. Bottle feeding might mean you get more sleep as well which could help.

If you are really low you need to go to a&e today so they can contact the crisis team. Or wait till tomorrow and insist on seeing your GP or HV. Can you tell your dp today.

Medication can help as well.

Please get help.

Wonkyparsnip Sun 21-Dec-14 13:13:46

Op right now call The Samaritans 08457 90 90 90. They will be an amazing support and will listen to you. Please do it. I've been where you are. It gets better but phone them.

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sun 21-Dec-14 13:15:02

First of all well done for speaking up. Of course it is understandable to have "oh fuck how the hell am I going to do this" thoughts, but you've recognised that yours are becoming more persistent and dark, and whilst there is nothing wrong with that (I hate the idea that there is something "wrong" with new parents who are struggling, it is a sane response to one of life's greatest challenges IMO) - there is nothing wrong or bad about you - but it doesn't have to be this way. Antidepressants can really help & you can still feed. Getting more rest & support helps too. For me just saying out loud "I don't think I can do this" was the start of things improving - not to the heights of happiness! - but to something bearable & cope-with-able.

You must be absolutely exhausted. I hope there is someone in real life that you can trust to listen and support you.

Wolfiefan Sun 21-Dec-14 13:15:55

It is perfectly normal to find it hard. (I tried for four months to bf my DS and failed.) You haven't ruined your life and if you are having dark thoughts then please seek help. You can feel so much better than this.

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sun 21-Dec-14 13:16:18

Yes agree about the Samaritans. Have used them many times for problems big and small. Within 20 minutes of talking to them my mind clears a bit.

ExtraVolume Sun 21-Dec-14 13:17:47

This is the worst bit. You will get the hang of what works for your baby. You will get more sleep.

Sometimes you need to get the thoughts out of your head to free yourself from them. Also sometimes a therapist can point out faulty logic or say "but what else could you have done?" to prompt you to give yourself a break.

Yes I do believe feeling bad is a pretty logical reaction to new baby challenges but that doesn't mean you should suffer in silence. Feeling hopeless is a marker for depression so the fact that you don't think anyone can help you is a sign that you need help, if you follow me.

Finding peers of other mothers who are going through the same things really helped me, GP/HV can tell you if there are any groups in your area.

Hang on in there.

ChampagneTastes Sun 21-Dec-14 13:20:18

Please do tell your HV. I know what you mean; I remember those days bitterly. I think now that I was suffering PND but like you I thought that depression was the only rational response to the horrors of sleep-deprivation.

I found my way out of the dark thoughts when DS was around eight weeks old (and I'd given up on my failed attempts to breast-feed). It really does get better but those early days, unless you are someone who really loves tiny babies, are hellish. It gets better as they get more responsive and interactive.

Talk about your feeding choices too - it's ok to use formula if you need to. A healthy, rested mum is just as valuable as being fed breast milk. I'm not saying you have to stop but just have a conversation to make sure you're doing what's right for you.

Be kind to yourself.

BertieBotts Sun 21-Dec-14 13:20:54

Please do speak to your GP. I know it feels like these things are the worst things ever but honestly with some perspective they won't seem as bad. Perspective is the one thing it's very very hard to find right now. You haven't ruined your life, this is a temporary part of a brilliant thing. It's going to get better, absolutely, and although you feel like your thoughts are rational, they are not.

With the tongue tie - do you want to seek more support with this or would you be happier to stop if you didn't have guilt about stopping?

Bruiserbereftofsoftness Sun 21-Dec-14 13:24:21

It's normal to feel like this splendide and it's shit.
It always looks like everyone else has it all together so it makes you feel even worse.

Most of us struggled.

It's fucking hard.

Call your odocs first thing or send dp around in the morning and get a hv and gp appointment for next week.

For today talk to Samaritan and know you aren't alone x

MrsKCastle Sun 21-Dec-14 13:25:02

Splendide, please do seek help. Call the Samaritans today, then tomorrow see your GP. They really can help.

I know it feels like you've ruined your life, but you will survive this. If you get help, each day will be just a little bit easier, and sooner than you think you will start to enjoy being a mum.

One day this feeling can be a distant memory.

LittleBearPad Sun 21-Dec-14 13:25:13

No it isn't rational my lovely because things will get better. I promise. Seven weeks is tough but babies change all the time and it will get better.

Do you have someone to talk to in real life? It might be time to speak to your GP. I had Pnd and it was crap but it got better with medical help.

Big hug. It will be ok.

VeryPunny Sun 21-Dec-14 13:31:09

It can take weeks for babies to figure things out once a tongue tie has been snipped. DD had a tongue tie and I had supply issues so we mix fed from day 8, kept bfing until she was 17 months, so a bottle can be a very present help and does not mean the end of bfing.

Def. Talk to gp, HV and Samaritans. Do you have any help - DP/DM?

splendide Sun 21-Dec-14 13:34:45

Did any of you feel that medical intervention helped? I just can't see how it would for me. people kept saying that it would get easier but it hasn't really.

I feel like the last 7 weeks (which have been hell) are starting over. He's still newborn size and the tongue tie snip means we're relearning breastfeeding. I can't see formula would help as then I'd have no way to settle him. He only feeds to sleep. Or the formula might make him even fussier.

I'm so trapped.

whosafraidofnaomiwolf Sun 21-Dec-14 13:35:22

OP you are in the early weeks of your life as a Mum, you have all sorts of hormones making you feel odd things, and which can trigger some odd thoughts. Some of them bleak and despairing. I would echo the other posters who have urged you to speak to you HV or GP. It's true that they can't change your life, but what they can do is support you through this very very difficult time, and maybe suggest some medications that can alter how you view your situation so that you don't suffer the bleakness and suicidal thoughts on top of everything else that you're dealing with.

You might check out help from other sources too, such as apni.org (0207 386 0868); www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression/?gclid=CNOyo-ie18ICFY_MtAod6SgAZA#.VJbLLAmAA; www.pni.org.uk, and www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/help-and-information.html?gclid=CIuBhYmf18ICFQSw2wodd0wA5Q

It's well recognised that the triggers for Postnatal mental health issues/illness are the massive life change that a newborn infants demands place on you combined with sleep deprivation. Yes, in answer to your question, it is rational to want out, but not to want out of life altogether - that's irrational and is being driven by the extreme situation you find yourself in, not by your rational brain. Please, please get some help. You and your baby have a happy future ahead of you. You owe it to yourself and to those who love you to get some help so that happy future can be made real sooner, rather than later.

whosafraidofnaomiwolf Sun 21-Dec-14 13:38:43

Yes, medical intervention does, can and will help - if that's what's needed. Gp's and HV's will investigate other route's of help with you too before you decide what course of action to take. You may be surprised by the amount of help that's out there. The problem is, you have to go looking for it - by asking, it doesn't often just come to you ...

ElphabaTheGreen Sun 21-Dec-14 13:39:02

I'm on my second tongue-tied continuously feeding baby. Both he and DS1 are terrible sleepers so I get sleep in one to two hour chunks, if that, and have done for the better part of two and a half years. I have never felt suicidal or that I've fucked up my life, just tired.

I did feel exactly like that pre-DCs when I was severely clinically depressed.

Please contact HV/GP ASAP. What you're feeling is not right and may well improve with the right medication and support.

UrsulaBuffay Sun 21-Dec-14 13:39:37

It's a long time since my daughter was born but recently I was very depressed and refusing medication. Now I'm on them I am happy and life is not like wading through treacle. They absolutely saved my life

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 21-Dec-14 13:41:18

Hi splendide,

We're so sorry you're having these thoughts at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when threads such as yours are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on jo@samaritans.org. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We'll be moving this thread over to our Mental Health topic shortly -this is part of the new protocol we've been advised to follow.

We also have to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, splendide, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.

LittleBearPad Sun 21-Dec-14 13:41:28

Sertraline definitely helped me. I currently have DS (2.3 weeks) asleep on me and am watching myself carefully in case I need it again this time. Was prescribed it at 8 weeks with DD. It made me feel so much better. I've been referred for counselling this time already as I'm at risk of pnd again.

DD was formula fed, she refused to bf, she fed to sleep with bottles as a small baby so don't worry about this aspect if you were to swap to bottles.

McSqueezy Sun 21-Dec-14 13:42:37

Things DO get easier, the early days can be unbearable. Please follow the advice in this thread and ask for help when you need it! Don't struggle alone. Many of us have been there, I promise you.

splendide Sun 21-Dec-14 13:46:00

Sorry Dawn. Didn't mean to do anything wrong.

EssexMummy123 Sun 21-Dec-14 13:46:00

Do you have a partner/relative that could get up in the night with DS to give a bottle? could you try talking to your GP/HV about practical solutions - maybe mixed bottle/BF?

Baby will sleep through the night eventually - i remember not believing people who told me that but it was true and it did happen, the first few weeks are punishing in terms of tiredness but remember the mumsnet mantra 'this to shall pass'

McFarts Sun 21-Dec-14 13:46:44

Formula would give you the sleep you need as someone else can take over for a while. Never under estimate what lack of sleep can do, I think you'd find that after 2-3 night of good sleep you would feel in a much better place. I bet its not that you dont like being a Mum at all, what you mean is you dont like having no sleep and the worry of an unsettled baby. If you still feel the same after actually getting some sleep, then yes medication will absolutely help!

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