Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.
My brother.(3 Posts)
Apologies in advance for the essay...
My DB is late 20s and has various MH issues. He was (I think) diagnosed with aspergers only a few years ago. He was in foster care as a child (I'm not 100% clear on the circumstances that led to this) and DM fought to get him back with us.
His behaviour has gotten worse over the last few years and he has now developed tics and things which he never had before. He is very intelligent but didnt apply himself well in school and has poor qualifications as a result. He has had countless jobs but none lasted more than a few weeks. DM has tried everything she can to help him get the help he needs but she has been told that as he is over 18 she is not entitled to know anything about his mental health status due to patient confidentiality.
She has tried to reach out to various MH agencies but DB insists to MH professionals that he doesn't need help and DM is exaggerating. However when the cases are subsequently closed he rages that nobody cares and nobody helps him. Repeat ad infinitum.
He has been gambling for the last two or so years and frequently loses all his money and kicks off in a big way. He blames DM as she wasn't there to stop him even though she works full time and has a child to support, she can't be with him 24/7. He no longer lives with DM as he smashed her house up and scared the living daylights out of my DSis (although he would never hurt her deliberately). He regularly turns up at her place of work after gambling his money away and causes a scene to the point where she almost lost her job. He lives in a shared accommodation with others with MH issues but tells us that the people who work there don't do anything to help him either.
He used to self harm but I don't think he's done it in a while. He once took an OD just as DM was due to come home from work, unfortunately it was DSis that found him (she was 4 at the time).
DM and I live in constant fear that he will do something stupid to himself. It keeps me awake at night. We know he would never hurt us but he can be very intimidating and plays mind games with DM and tells others that she lies about things. DM is at her wit's end at how to help him and how to cope herself and I feel caught in the middle as being around him upsets me but I hate the thought of him being alone as well as everybody else has washed their hands of him because of how he behaves.
I feel like this is how our lives will always be.
I don't really know why I'm posting, just thought that maybe someone out there might have some advice or something.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading my ramble!
I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It probably isn't the most helpful reply but unfortunately your DM has probably done as much as anyone can. without your brother's consent an co-operation he can't really get any help from the MH system, unless he became so poorly he was detained under a section. You and your DM could however access help for yourselves as carers - most localities have a carers centre, try googling they are usually a great place to start for advice and support. Perhaps if you could meet others who are in a similar situation they might be able to suggest ideas and approaches. Whilst your brother obviously needs help, if only he would accept it, remember that the reason the MH team keep closing him is they will feel he can make his own choices. However poor those choices are they are his and what he's going through is not your fault, and there are real limits to what you can do to help him. Make sure you have a plan to prioritise your and DMs wellbeing, set boundaries and stay safe.
Thank you so much for your reply. I guess I kind of knew deep down that there isn't much that we can do. He has been sectioned a couple of times but always released the next day as they are satisfied that he is well enough. DM had him removed by the police a few times when he lived there and they always brought him back there because as his DM he was "her problem".
Other people don't really understand and they think DM is heartless and that she doesn't care about him. She does, very much. But she can't live with him any more. He's making her ill with stress.
And I feel awful for even thinking like this but I sometimes wonder how much of his behaviour is "real". He doesn't behave with others the way he does with DM and the MH team feel he is well enough that he doesn't need to be under them. He blames her for choices he makes.
I'll definitely look into the carers centre. It sometimes feels as though there's nobody else in the world in the same situation! DM doesn't have many friends left because of all this so it would be great if she could meet others who understand the situation.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.