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I'm Sorry I had no choice. (Sh trigger)

(24 Posts)
MySpideySenseTickles Thu 18-Dec-14 14:32:13

I'd not cut in more than ten years, but today I felt I had no choice. I needed to get my feelings out and I couldnt I just felt sick and numb.
H left his phone at home when he went to work this morning, I'd not even noticed it was there till he called me in a bit of a panic telling me not to touch it and just turn it off and leave it alone.
Who wouldn't look at it after that? He doesn't realise that his PIN number and passwords are the same for everything so thinks I wouldn't be able to access his phone, I looked in his texts and nothing out of order, I felt I was being stupid and paranoid but I couldn't help checking in his internet, he had tabs open to my facebook, logged in to my account and more disturbing a swinging meet up site and one to meet gay men for sex, I panicked and closed them down, then I went on my phone and logged into his accounts, he had pictures of himself up and messages arranging to meet at our house on the only day in the week I go out, and offering to meet up in hotels when he's working away.
I've suspected him of the same thing before but according to his account he signed up at around the time I was diagnosed with severe depression and was suicidal, I was suicidal and he was sharing pictures of his cock with strange men and probably fuckin g them too. I've permanently erased his profiles on both sites but I don't know what to do if I confront him it'll ruin Christmas for everyone but I obviously can't let it go, my leg is all cut up now too so he will notice that I tried the other ways of preventing myself SHing ice, drawing with felt pen etc but it didn't help, I didn't feel I had a choice, now I'm still confused and upset but now my leg hurts too.
I've cleaned and dressed the cuts and waiting for my psychiatrist to call me back.
I'm safe, I'll not hurt myself again today, Im going to pick ds up from school and I'll put on a happy face for him and not let him see my pain.
I can't even leave I jave no money or anywhere else to go.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 18-Dec-14 14:38:51

Oh, lovely, thanks

Can you see this as a blip? Well done for looking after your cuts and trying other things. Do you need to get them checked/dressed?

MySpideySenseTickles Thu 18-Dec-14 14:57:06

I think they're ok, the blood hasn't come through the dressings, I'm a paranoid sahm, my first aid box is better than a&es!
It's my whole life going down the toilet that's kill me.

MySpideySenseTickles Thu 18-Dec-14 17:54:36

He's going to be home soon, psychiatrist never phoned me back.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 18-Dec-14 17:56:29

What do you feel the options are? Sometimes it can help to think that through. Look after yourself

MySpideySenseTickles Thu 18-Dec-14 18:13:11

I don't even know, I'm terrified of being alone even if this is the alternative.
I can't leave him because I wouldn't cope alone and ds is such a daddy's boy it wouldn't be fair to take him away from him, conversely I can't live without ds. Basically I feel like I only have one option but it's one I don't want to think about.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 18-Dec-14 18:14:51

Do you have rl support? Someone who could come round maybe?

MySpideySenseTickles Thu 18-Dec-14 18:35:25

That's the truly sick part he is my support. I think I'm probably in some level of crisis but I can't contact the crisis team because I'm scared they'll make me go to hospital and I can't let that happen it'd ruin everyone's christmas.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 18-Dec-14 18:37:58

Please contact them.

blahblahblah72 Thu 18-Dec-14 19:11:13

I agree, I think it would be helpful for you to contact them.

FaithLoveandGrace Fri 19-Dec-14 00:08:23

Hi myspidey sending lots of safe and warm hugs to you. I agree with caulkhead and blahblah that it'd be a good idea to contact the crisis team. If you do end up there over Christmas, I know it'd be hard for you but you deserve the help and support to get better.

Will check bak in morning to see how you are. Take care

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Fri 19-Dec-14 00:20:11

Hey spidey have just walked a similar path to you and am now a proud single mum! there is more support (financial, practical and emotional) out there than you might realise whilst you are still stuck in the situation. Lately I often wish I could go back in time 5 years and tell myself to hurry up and break free, now that I know it is entirely possible (even for a no-hoper like me). Good luck.

MySpideySenseTickles Fri 19-Dec-14 08:57:01

I can't leave it wouldn't be fair on ds I couldn't confront him last night, he knows something is very wrong but Not why.
I'm Not going to do anything silly, not at christmas, me hurting myself would ruin Christmas for ds forever, I darent call crisis, the risk they would section me terrifies me.

blahblahblah72 Fri 19-Dec-14 12:01:17

I very much doubt that they would section you. I imagine they would be able to support you through what seems an incredibly difficult time. I would give them a call as this is really heavy stuff to be going through alone. Do let us know how you're feeling xx

MySpideySenseTickles Fri 19-Dec-14 18:45:08

I've confronted him, he says he was just doing it to make money from the site and that when ive deleted his profiles ive lost him £60.
I've caught him out and he's twisted it all round so it's all my fault and I'm in the wrong. And he's really angry about the sh, he keeps having a go at me for doing "stupid fucking things" and telling me that they'll take ds away and it's all my fault. And how dare I snoop through his phone.

MySpideySenseTickles Fri 19-Dec-14 18:46:57

Why do I feel guilty? Why is this all my fault?
I don't even know how to feel anymore

FaithLoveandGrace Fri 19-Dec-14 19:31:21

Wow myspidey he sounds like a right a-hole! It's not stupid you self harmed. You coped in the only way you knew how. Please believe me when I say none of this is your fault! You deserve so much better than this! I really do hope you speak to the crisis team. As others have said, I doubt they'd section you, lots of people self harm without being sectioned. I really do think you need (and deserve!!) the support right now though. Take care of yourself flowers

marne2 Fri 19-Dec-14 19:42:29

Are you sure he is 'your support' and not 'the cause' of your mental health issues?

It sounds like he is the type of man that twists everything around to make you look like the bad one, he's putting you down, making you feel bad about yourself and making you think you are useless without him?

How was your mental health before you were with him?

MySpideySenseTickles Fri 19-Dec-14 19:47:56

Not great, my mental health problems stem from childhood abuse,

blahblahblah72 Fri 19-Dec-14 21:40:36

Clearly he's not helping it though. You and your ds are what's important right now and I think a chat with your Crisis team could be really helpful for you.
This really isn't your fault by the way. xx

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 20-Dec-14 17:52:11

My mental health was not great, from being a weird child and then mild sexual abuse. I got over those things, still felt miserable for a long time. Relationship was bad, I thought this was because of my mh, but guess what, it was from being with my (nowEx)H. He kept me depressed, as a means of control, I see now. And used my depression as a reason why he couldn't work!

sorry went off on rant - just saying that it is not unknown for partners to be part of the problem, and for this to be masked by an earlier problem. I too do not like the way he twists things to be your fault - this is hardly supporting you with your mh.

You could namechange and post on Relationships, but without the SH, if you wanted views on your position re you and him.

blahblahblah72 Sat 20-Dec-14 21:22:36

How are things going for you today Spidey?

MySpideySenseTickles Sat 20-Dec-14 22:39:55

Not having a good day, ds is having a sleepover for the first time, he's never been away from me before. H is out with work for his christmas party. I have to go pick him up at midnight, I'm just hanging round waiting till then And trying not to sh.
Relationships forum would say to leave, whenever ive told anyone what our relationship is like they alwats say to leave. I've been with him 16years, It's not easy to leave.

FaithLoveandGrace Sat 20-Dec-14 22:57:41

Hi again spidey smile well done on distracting yourself this long. Not long to go until you need to go out.

It's never that easy is it. I was in an abusive relationship for 4 and a half years before I found the strength to leave. People asked me why on earth I didn't leave sooner and tbh I couldn't answer them. I'm not saying your relationship is abusive (I don't know enough about it), just that it's not as straightforward as just leaving is it.

Thoughts are with you this night. You can get through this. Take care xx

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