pregnant suicidal thoughts

[WorryWurta]

I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post, but I posted before about my worries relating to catching diseases in pregnancy and ppl were very helpful. I'll try to keep this fairly brief. I've been experiencing suicidal thoughts, not massively serious but tonight after work I drove to some cliffs near our home. Decided I wasn't going to commit suicide until after the baby is born. Basically I have a fear of catching and passing a bloodborne virus to the baby that massively intensified because of an incident this week. I want to sit it out, get tested in a month and then I am considering whether I can live with myself after the baby's born. If it has a disease through my negligence I don't think I could live with myself. I was recently referred to a mental health team but I'm scared if I tell them how I feel, and then by some miracle the baby is ok it would still be taken away from me.

[IAmAPaleontologist]

WorryWurta, please, please tell someone. Please. The mental health team are not there to take your baby from you, they are there to help you get better so you can be a family and they can't do that if you don't tell them what is going on. Please talk to them.

Have you a number you can contact them out of hours?

[FTRsGotAShinyNewNN]

I 2nd that advice, there are people who can help, ring your midwife first thing in the morning and tell her how you feel ask for an emergency referral to your ante natal mental health team, they will be able to help, is what they're trained to do.
The priority will be helping you have a happy, well pregnancy and ensuring both of your well being not taking your baby from you.
Have you got a partner?

[coastergirl]

I've had suicidal thoughts too, probably about the same sort of severity as you, I've thought about it (frequently tbh) but gone no further. I've been honest with my doctors and there's been no mention of hospital or taking baby away. They just want to help. Good luck x

[prettywhiteguitar]

Don't wait, ring your mental health team now. They will help you not take your baby off you.

If you don't ask for help they will be more worried

[3littlebadgers]

You are not alone, please tell your midwives/gp first thing in the morning. They will give you all the support and care you need

[Kleptinsel]

You deserve support and you will get it. Nobody wants to take a baby from its mother. Babies do best with their mums, and it costs far too much money to take a baby into care. A close relative was a child protection social worker for decades, and this is the bottom line.

It is better for your baby and you, and cheaper for the Local Authority and the NHS, for you to be supported through illness or crisis or whatever comes along, supported to cope and get well, than to take your baby away.

Please tell them the thoughts you've been having. It's very hard on you to be feeling and thinking this way by yourself, and that can change. Many women go through this, and recover. You take good care of yourself and get that support. You can do it.

[WorryWurta]

I don't have the crisis team number - mh worker was meant to call me today to confirm if they were going to work with me but she didn't call. You can only have crisis number if you're assigned a worker. Dh has been at work, I can't talk to him about tonight, I've caused him so much hurt already. I wanted to move out until things are resolved so he can rest but he said no and I've nowhere else to go. Am back home and soon as I picked him up from work I'm just going to go to sleep. I see my private counsellor in the morning, will try to talk to her about tonight, thank you

[IAmAPaleontologist]

Your dh loves you I'm sure and wants to work through this together not see you go. Sleep sounds like a good plan and talk to someone tomorrow. If you need to talk tonight then you can call the samaritans any time, they are wonderful people and completely non-judgemental.

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi WorryWurta,

We're sorry you're going through a difficult time at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. We're also going to move your thread over to our Mental Health topic shortly - hope that's okay with you.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to combine it with real life help and support as well. We're relieved to see you're already sought professional help, and really hope they can help you with your anxiety issues.

Sorry for hijacking your thread.

[BuddyKringleberry]

I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time. Please know that by reaching out for help, your baby will not be taken from you. From the little you've said here tonight, you've shown that you care deeply for your baby and have a mothers natural protective instincts towards him/her.

Pregnancy can heighten and intensify our feelings/fears. Please get the support you need and deserve and I really hope that once your baby is here and in your arms, you never feel so low again.

Sending you lots of love and hugs xx

[Kleptinsel]

Hope you manage to speak about it Worry. Thinking of you x

[IAmAPaleontologist]

Hope you managed a good night's sleep . How are you this morning?

[BuddyKringleberry]

How are you feeling today xx

[Kleptinsel]

Still thinking about you. How're you getting on Worry?

[WorryWurta]

Sorry and thanks everyone. I couldn't face posting yesterday. I did get to my counselling session which helped, then I just slept all afternoon. But DH and I made it to the supermarket in the evening and I managed to (mostly) cook dinner which was a victory. And first thing I managed to wake up thinking perhaps everything would be ok. This morning however after disastrous dog walk where the dog managed to find raw meat, a (possibly used, possibly just muddy) tampon and walk through another dog's poop that had been smeared across the pavement. So the dog has gone off to stay with my mum temporarily as I couldn't allow him back in the house (listeria/toxoplasmosis from the meat, possible diseases from the tampon and dog poop). So scared I myself have brought dog poop into or worse into the house I couldn't face trying to make food until just now, when I discovered I'd left the freezer open so all the food had to be chucked and in trying to do that I messed up the kitchen that DH spent last night sanitising so I'd be able to cook myself food in it whilst he was out. And I can't take the bin bags of spoilt food out because I'd have to cross the possibly poop or worse infected doormat where my possibly contaminated shoes are. All I want is for someone who could come round and talk me through doing everything so I could make me and by extension the baby some food but everything I touch feels contaminated, and DH and my mum are both working and besides which have completely run out of patience with me. DH is usually amazing but tonight he said he is not coming home straight from work and is going out for dinner with his best friend as originally planned. Which in fairness given he spends every evening cleaning the house for me and making my tea and packed lunches I understand, he has not had a night to himself for months. I don't feel like I could get off the couch let alone hurt myself which is a positive but the negative is I can't see how I can safely get any food or do anything. I had such a good day planned of what I was going to achieve and DH would have been amazingly proud, but I've done none of it and now again I have let everyone down.

[WorryWurta]

Sorry I meant to say, I didn't call he mental health team as I was too hysterical in the morning, then had counselling, then felt better but so exhausted. Also I was sure they would ring me as they were meant to Thursday night, but they never did. I will do it Monday when I have the strength.

[thornrose]

It's not too late Worry your day isn't over yet. Do you have anyone else that can come round and help you sort things out? A friend or neighbour?

Have you being diagnosed with OCD and had any help for it before? My dd had OCD and it manifested itself as health anxiety. It was terrible and so debilitating.

From my point of view as a mum supporting my dd through this, I don't lose patience. It's more frustration that you can't help/reach the person you love so much. You haven't let anyone down.

[WorryWurta]

Thanks thornrose, I really hope you're daughter is getting on OK. I can't seem to get a diagnosis off anyone, they just say it's anxiety because I'm pregnant. But from Dr Google seems like OCD/health anxiety to me. I don't know a lot of people locally (bit of an introvert) but I have decided to try a few steps

Step 1: hoover downstairs
Step 2: move rubbish bins out of kichen
Step 3: make food

I spoke to DH on the phone briefly on his break at work and actually although part of me wants him here to make me food and clean up the rubbish, if he goes out with his friend it'll give me more time to achieve something whereas if he comes home now I'll have to admit I haven't even eaten or drunk anything since breakfast.

[thornrose]

That sounds like a plan that's achievable. I hope you're ok, something to eat and drink is so important. I wish I could help you more, it's a bit quiet on here today!

[KlepTheHallsWithBoughsOfTronic]

Aw Worry you've so not got it easy have you. Really hope you found a way to get something to eat and drink.

[prettywhiteguitar]

Hey you sound a little better with a plan in place. ! Please keep coming back when you want to, it's nice to see how you're getting on.

I'm 25 weeks and early on I just didn't have the energy to deal with stuff at all, so I know how tempting it is to wait until your dh comes home and can do it for you !