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is anybody around to keep me sane tonight?

(90 Posts)
inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 22:13:51

I really need somebody to talk to just to keep my mind running away from me. Long story short told my bf something he didn't want to hear and he left me.

I suffer from PMDD and have in the past sunk into a deep depression resulting in a suicide attempt after i split with my exdp. I am currently 4 days before I'm due on which means any day now my mood swings and depression will be kicking in for a full week.

I know that i don't want to do anything stupid now, no matter how bad i feel. But come the weekend if my bf decides he doesn't want to be with me and ds is up his dads then i don't know how i will be feeling.

i don't know why I'm posting here really....just for some company through the weekend??

twentyten Wed 10-Dec-14 22:15:55

Keep posting.sorry it's so tough. brewbrewbrew

AWholeLottaNosy Wed 10-Dec-14 22:16:37

Oh sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Do you want to tell us some more about how you are feeling? What did you say to
Your BF that was so bad? You are not alone. flowers

CaulkheadUpNorth Wed 10-Dec-14 22:18:04

Do you have anyone you can stay with over the weekend? I plan in great detail when I feel like that - everything from when I'm going to eat to what TV I will watch etc. just an idea if, different things work for different people.

inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 22:38:11

Basically at the start of our relationship we both agreed not to discuss ex's unless there was a reason to. I work with an ex, but it was very short term and meant/means nothing to me. Bf does know this ex from years ago but not seen him recently.

So i decided not to tell him that this man i worked with was an ex at the start until i knew it mattered. And then it just sort of got forgotten about. Until this ex has started making comments about wanting me back lately. I decided bf needed to know this.

So tonight i tell him, expecting him to be upset but he reacted so much worse than i could have imagined. I really think it might be the end of us.

I know how stupid i have been and have apologised and admitted i made a mistake and said i would never lie or withhold the truth again bur no difference. He left and said we would speak when he is ready.

i feel completely lost. We have only been seeing each other for about 4 months but he has changed my life. When I'm with him or thinking about him it just brings a smile to my face. My PMDD has been so much better. Hardly any depressive episodes and the one i had was so much milder.

I'm just scared I'm going to feel id he does finish things and how i will handle it. Before and after i think logically and can see that i will be fine on my own. But for the 4-5 days its like being in a black hole. Last time i felt like this and didn't have ds i took an OD and told my ex to look after ds.

i don't want to feel that again.

p.s sorry about any typos my phone has a mind of its own.

inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 22:39:20

And to top it all off ive got an appointment with the docs tomorrow because i think ive found a lump in my armpit/boob.

AWholeLottaNosy Wed 10-Dec-14 22:45:56

If your BF has a problem with this it is basically because he is insecure. You are not to blame. You were honest and upfront but if he can't handle it then it's his loss. Do you have other support in your life?
You sound quite isolated and it's always dangerous to rely on one person for your own happiness. Xx

inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 22:50:40

His feeling is that i should have told him straight away and he feels like we -me and ex- have been laughing at him behind his back. To dripfeed i was quite good friends with my ex until he started making inappropriate comments towards me. So there would be maybe the odd text during the week to see how the other was. I never hid this from bf. But he feels like i have betrayed him.

i have support from family but none of my friends know how i get, or about my past. I just want to know what he's decided so that i can prepare myself.

Justpickone Wed 10-Dec-14 22:55:20

When you say keep you sane do you want someone to discuss the issue or to talk rubbish and tell funny stories to distract you?

I'm good with one not the other...

inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 22:56:06

I completely accept i was in the wrong and understand how he feels. But only since he reacted like he did. I really didn't think how much of a problem it could have been to him since i had no feelings whatsoever for ex - and never did. Ive even mentioned how ive come to dislike ex lately. I just wish he had stayed and talked to me. I'm on my own in bed with a million thoughts running through my head. The funny thing is that i feel worse now than when i split with my ex of 4 years. I really do think I love him.

inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 22:57:20

I'm happy to have any old random conversation. Or advice...or anything that stops mr thinking too much honestly. As long as I'm getting my thoughts out onto here then they wont be going round and around in my head.

Justpickone Wed 10-Dec-14 22:59:18

Ok... If there's no way to resolve it right now I'd suggest distraction until the time passes.

Or writing a list of the bullet points you want to make clear to DP.

In the meantime, I've had a truly bonkers day if you'd like to hear about it.

inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 23:02:51

He brought me a Xmas tree tonight and we were supposed to decorate it with my ds but that got cut short so I'm tempted to go and do it now to distract myself and surprise ds in the morning. But i don't want to ruin the fun of ds doing it - making a mess.

So.....a bonkers day you say??

AWholeLottaNosy Wed 10-Dec-14 23:03:28

You sound like you are taking all the blame for this OP. You haven't known this new man very long, ok you maybe should have told him beforehand but equally he is overreacting to this. Is there anything else about him that had seemed jealous or controlling?

inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 23:06:14

Its because i am completely to blame. He is honestly the least jealous or controlling person ive ever been with. He treats me so well and i thought i was so lucky to be with someone like him...and he wanted to be with me too!!

AuditAngel Wed 10-Dec-14 23:07:48

May I ask a question please? If you don't want to answer, just say so, I won't be offended.

What is PMDD? I am guessing some kind of manic depressive disorder.

I'm sorry if that seems insensitive, it isn't meant to. My mum and brother both suffer from depression. It is very hard as most people (including me) find it hard to understand.

Justpickone Wed 10-Dec-14 23:10:31

Honestly if I were you I'd do the tree then think of the look on your sons face when he sees it!
Then you can always make some snowflakes, angel, star for the top whatever to let him do the finishing touch.

Yep. Bonkers.

So DD is at school.
I know no other parents as in pre school, or play dates or anything, I'm making new contacts here.

Leaving drop off, walking back home against tide of arrivals at gate, someone says 'just.. HI!!!' I look up, someone I had a REALLY HOT and I mean really fucking hot fling with about 20 years ago is taking his son into school.

In the manner of Janice from friends: OH. MY. GOD.
So instead of being a normal adult and saying hi and breezing past. What I do is give myself whiplash at the hotness that is this man 20 years later, fall off the kerb because I wasn't paying attention and rip my skirt. THEN. I fall over a second time trying to get back on the pavement in front of the throng of parents I'm meant to be making friends with.

There's more but I need a cig first

inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 23:11:01

Its basically like pms x100. Its been controlled since i was diagnosed with the coil and now microgynon, but i can have relapses. Its just a hormonal disorder. I have been offered anti depressants for it but i took them when suffering from mild post natal depression and hated them. Although it does worry me constantly that i may have bipolar since my mother did and it was only diagnosed after childbirth like mine was.

inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 23:12:59

Justpickone thanks for that! Your pain made me giggle. I think if I'm still obsessing after midnight i might go decorate the tree. I need to get some poster paint to make salt dough ornaments...rudolph and Santa.

Justpickone Wed 10-Dec-14 23:15:05

Definitely do the tree! How old is your son?
The next instalment involves my wedding dress... It's a good one and I would be in hysterics if t didn't happen to me!

Justpickone Wed 10-Dec-14 23:17:16

Dress story it's a long one!

inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 23:17:55

auditangel. Sorry about the wikilink but its the first one i found on my awful phone!

don't get me started on wedding dresses! My ex of 4 years was my fiance and started having cold feet AFTER id bought the wedding dress! Obviously i chucked him to the curb then but I'm still mourning ny gorgeous dress and my JLo bum in it.

inthenickoftime Wed 10-Dec-14 23:19:04

And ds is 3 next month and only allowed me to have a Xmas tree today!! Been saying silly mammy, no tree for us!!

Justpickone Wed 10-Dec-14 23:26:29

Ah see I have no ass to speak of at all, I envy Jlo!

Now. My dress. The whole wedding was basically my MIL showing off how vair posh she is. She picked the dress. It was around £12000. Ridiculous and ther whole thing was a massive circus costing a frankly sick amount of money.

I decided to auction the dress and donate the proceeds to Macmillan which she didn't know about, however after the event I told her and she was appalled of course. I have no connection to the dress and have felt I'd like to donate to the service that has been good to me personally.

Anyway it's done and the new owner called me as she had received it. Bear in mind I'm a square peg in round hole when it comes to posh people, she calls me to gush about how thankful she is etc.

I start saying how wonderful the charity can benefit etc etc, she replies:

Well yes that too but mainly it's going to look fabulous in my photos, the wedding is Easter Island.


My dress is going to a bride that's hired Easter Island!!!

And I'm sat here in primark pyjamas!


Justpickone Wed 10-Dec-14 23:27:47

How's the tree going?

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