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Death is calling me, i throw in the towel

(8 Posts)
wasthisfate Tue 09-Dec-14 14:35:33

Hi, i dont know what has brought me here but through tears and pain i need to put some words out there, they may fall upon death ears but this is a process i feel i need to do. Im a early 30's man who had a bad childhood (abuse, black sheep) i had trust issues i never knew my dad i was homeless at 15, i had a grotty bedsit whilst i was doing my GCSE's and a milk round to pay my rent, then when i was evicted i was in a hostel full of drug addicts, i managed to get through so many tough times i got small jobs by the time i was 19 i had gotten good at my sales job, sometimes i had money other times i didnt, i have moved 25+ times since the age of 15 had many jobs was not close with family but wanted my own family i never loved anybody i always cheated in relationships , when i was 25 i was tired of all the drama and tried to bounce back again, i did successfully and got a good job had a nice apartment i passed my driving test and then i met x, i had never had a connection to another human like i did with x she was amazing i told her things id never told anybody before i was 27 she was 25 we stayed together got closer and consider this time to be the best of my life, we decided to plan a family together, she got pregnant quickly and got this confirmed by the doctors, on our 3 month scan after reading baby books following pregnancy do's and dont's we was very close, the scan showed no baby, we had miscarried, a few months later we tried again and got pregnant with worry from the 1st time we paid for a private scan and everything was fine, we was overjoyed, the labour was 48 hours and a cesarean section was done, i held my baby as my partner was still unconscious i cried and worried but was assured all was ok, we went home 2 days later, 5 days of being home (the only 5 days we spent together as a family) she was not well, she had an infection, after transfers and medical procedures she died, she was healthy mid 20's girl, she was my world, i left my job and raise my son but the depression an pre-occupation with death haunts me, she haunts me, that life everything i wanted haunts me Im now a single dad on benefits i have support from her family which i really appreciatte but this is not enough this life is not enough i am angry that this life was stolen from me i would gladly die today if it was not for my son i am living just for my son he is the only thing i care about lufe is horrible iv bounced back so many times but this is just too much she died over 3 years ago i have had no sort of relationship and do not want to, I WANT HER BACK i am not stupid i know this isnt possible but I cannot accept this life, i strived so much to where i got to have it taken from me, if my child wasnt here id go into nothingness today and just rest, i have had too much, doctors, medication nothing helps it just provides a false sense of happiness that is quickly outweighed by sadness, uncontrollable sadness, i dont want to be here anymore but i cant leave my child an orphan. If anybody read this thank-you and be grateful for what you have. All she wanted was a family. All i wanted was a family.

NoLongerJustAShopGirl Tue 09-Dec-14 14:43:33

I am not a professional and have no idea of how to help you- but I could not read and run.

She sounds like she was a wonderful person - the whole of your life - do you realise that YOU are that person for your son - YOU are his whole life.

It is ok to be sad.

<hugs>

NoLongerJustAShopGirl Tue 09-Dec-14 14:44:50

sorry - posted too soon - please go see the doc again - show him/her what you have written...

babybarrister Tue 09-Dec-14 14:47:31

I also did not want to run away - please stay strong for your son. Have you contacted the bereavement charity - CRUSE? they will also have details of specialist services for you and your son

wishing you and your son well

WhatsGoingOnEh Tue 09-Dec-14 14:55:35

I'm so sorry for you. This must be an unbelievable loss.

Grief is so hard - you don't have to suffer this alone. Please please contact the support networks for people suffering grief. There is help. It won't bring back your partner but it'll help you get through today. Then tomorrow. Then the day after tomorrow. Step by step. One foot in front of the other. Just a little bit at a time.

You've been so strong for so long. I'm sure you want to give up, to stop having to fight for every single good thing. It must feel so exhausting. And what's the point, when things can be taken away at any time?

Your son is the point. Your life has been so hard but you have the chance to give your son a life you never knew. A life with family, and support, and a father who is always there. You have the chance to give your son so much more than you ever had yourself. That's a blessing.

Someone weaker than you would have given up the fight a long time ago. I'm humbled by your courage. Keep going. Please, keep going. Just get through every hour as it comes, don't look too far ahead.

And please ask for help. You're not on your own any more, you have people around you who are just waiting to help.

wasthisfate Tue 09-Dec-14 15:02:38

I have seen psychiatrists I am strong minded there is nothing any pills will do for me apart from keep me from dying , mitrazapine 60mg/pregablin 600mg/diazepam 40mg this is my daily dose to keep my head just above the water, death calls me I am not mentally ill i just cannot and will not accept what has happened, i lost my mother my best friend my future wife my childs mother all at once i have nothing but my son which sounds like i am not grateful for my son which i am not, it shouldnt be this way.

I'd like to say i look after my child better than i look after myself my child is happy and normal i dont let him see my grief but he sees it anyway, i feel like asking his permission to die tell him everything and see if he would let me go and escape from this living hell, i dont expect anybody to understand but just writing this makes it real, i dont know what will happen in the future if i will make it through but it doesnt look good i feel he would have a better life without me which the psychiatrists disagree and i understand why they think that but they dont understand why i think that.

FarelyKnuts Tue 09-Dec-14 15:28:03

You think like this because you are grieving and depressed and both of those things are completely understandable. That doesn't make your thoughts right though.
The thoughts are a product of your deep and profound sadness.
Your son would not, could not, give you permission to kill yourself. He needs his dad. He's already lost his mum. He will not understand you leaving him. No reason you could give him would be enough because he would spend his life thinking he wasn't enough to make you want to stay.
I cannot even begin to imagine the grief you are going through but please talk to a professional about your thoughts

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 09-Dec-14 15:49:31

Hi there wasthisfate

So sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time at the moment. We hope things start to get better for you soon.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on jo@samaritans.org. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Very best wishes from everyone at MNHQ OP flowers

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