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About my mum, again

(3 Posts)
goindowntoyasgursfarm Mon 08-Dec-14 11:45:49

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this time - I think it's just a case of offloading, to be honest. Sorry!

I've posted about her before under a different name but in a nutshell, to avoid you having to trawl through the link at the end, we had what I would consider a very minor disagreement at the end of last year, which sent her spiralling into terrible depression and ever since, although she says she's feeling better, she will still only communicate with me by text. So she hasn't seen my DC, her only GC, for 14 months now, despite the fact she only lives about 5 miles from me.

Since June this year, she's been saying she 'hopes to get over (to my house) [the following] week'. But something ALWAYS happens - she gets a virus, she feels 'wobbly', or she comes up with what feel to me like increasingly preposterous excuses. A couple of weeks ago she couldn't come yet because she didn't have enough indoor winter clothes, and they had to be wool or cotton, and/or she had to wait for a washing machine to be delivered. This week she doesn't think she can come because she can't wash her hair as she's too wobbly to climb in and out of the shower. I never ask her to come; it's always her who says she's going to, then withdraws. She's clearly deluding herself when she tries to make these plans, but I just go along with it, try to be supportive and encouraging and express the hope that she will make it this time, even though I almost feel she's insulting my intelligence with some of these reasons which mean she can't come for another fortnight, or month, or whatever. I really wish she would just say "I'm absolutely terrified of meeting you and talking to you and the whole thing fills me with dread".- which I believe is the truth.

I know she's trying. But it also pisses me off that she will only think of seeing us ONE WAY - i.e. by making this huge expedition out to my house which involves a round trip of a couple of hours and four buses altogether. I have made so many suggestions (gentle, not pushy). When she told me the other day she couldn't wash her hair, I expressed concern that she might not be able to get out easily to buy food. She assured me it was no problem, she was getting out and doing more and more walking every day - so I offered to come to near where she lives (she won't allow me in her house, I know that) and simply walk WITH her, bringing my 4yo, for literally only 10 minutes or so just as a start. To me (though I'm not her) that would be so less daunting than a big trip out to my house. But she deflected it, just as she has deflected or dismissed ALL my suggestions (eg bringing kids to the park near her one Saturday afternoon) - saying 'not necessary thanks, it shouldn't be much longer'. But I feel 'who are you kidding, do you think I'm stupid? You were saying that back in JUNE! I don't believe you!'

But I know I can't say that to her - I can't do anything other than just sit and wait and wait and wait. So I'm posting here. Sorry for my long involved ramble. sad

(link to my old thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1987864-I-dont-know-how-to-help-my-DM

LastingLight Mon 08-Dec-14 17:31:01

What stops you from just turning up on her doorstep and going "Hi Mum, let's go out for a cup of tea".

goindowntoyasgursfarm Mon 08-Dec-14 17:55:57

She wouldn't answer the door or let me in. Even if I shouted through the letterbox that it was me, I'm 99% sure she would be really annoyed at me having the audacity to try and force her to talk to me. She only wants to do it on her terms. sad

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