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I know I am not quite 'right' but do not know what is 'wrong'!

(14 Posts)
duckandcover Mon 01-Dec-14 21:26:01

At the start of what will hopefully be a journey ending in diagnosis or perhaps a lightbulb moment as I'm fed up of feeling this way and a) blaming others or b) beating myself up about it. The heart of the matter is that I'm a bit of a cold fish. I drop people and go cold on them over nothing. I love the idea of walking away all the time BUT more often than not end up feeling desperately regretful. I don't seem to sustain relationships and can be cold and cruel with those I know intellectually I love. But I feel terribly sad about it - knowing I am not nice, that I am quite boring despite the outward appearance of being interesting. It's worse than low self-esteem - in fact on occasions I'd say I have a deformed self-esteem which tells me I am too good! Am I just a horrible person cursed with self-awareness? Or does this sound like a recognised pattern? My other characteristic is that I cannot talk about anything emotional, I shake with fear at the idea of laying myself bare before anyone. Does any of this sound familiar? Many thanks for anyone who can share. I'm seeing the doctor on Thursday as this very hard kernel in the centre of me is quite unbearable.

TheReluctantCountess Mon 01-Dec-14 22:21:23

You're not a horrible person. Good luck with the appointment on Thursday.

duckandcover Mon 01-Dec-14 22:38:38

Thank you , countess - I hope not! The idea of being cursed with an ability to see your own awfulness and do nothing about it would be like being buried alive.

ArabellaStrange Mon 01-Dec-14 22:43:30

Have you read anything about Borderline Personality Disorder?
From what you have written, I wouldn't say it fits you exactly but it might be a starting point?

hiddenhome Mon 01-Dec-14 22:58:12

Schizoid (nothing to do with schizophrenia) personality type might be another one to explore.

duckandcover Mon 01-Dec-14 23:00:10

Oh God arabella - just been on the Mind website reading about BPD. Some of it chilling me, but thank you so much for the pointer. Wd not in a million years have considered this...

ArabellaStrange Tue 02-Dec-14 09:59:15

As a possesor of some borderline traits, what you wrote, rang a couple of bells for me.

vomistheworst Thu 04-Dec-14 12:54:49

It does sound like a personality disorder to me. Borderline seems to fit the most from what you've said, but read up on the other types too as some of those are possibilities.

JaneAHersey Thu 04-Dec-14 13:10:26

I think you are beating yourself up simply for being you. Nobody is perfect. I think you need to relax with yourself and when you feel these old and reoccurring feelings do something to focus your mind. You cannot really change your personality but focusing on other things will make powerful feelings dissipate and become more bearable.

I am not saying these things off the top of my head I am speaking from experience and was lucky to have learned a lot about myself and others in a quality psychotherapeutic community some 30 years ago. Good luck.

duckandcover Thu 04-Dec-14 18:23:03

jane and vom thank you for the responses. I suppose one of the problems is that we can never really know what everyone's normal is. But I do know that this weird lack of affect troubles me. I am frightened because I know my mother and grandmother, as well as two uncles, have had mental health issues, and I cannot accept I will be frightening, cruel and contradictory and damage my own children. Doctor today was pleasant and we're starting with talking therapy. I can't explain what a void there is in me, like a big gap where happiness or love should be. And a fence between me and everybody else :-(

Snog Fri 05-Dec-14 07:58:48

I wonder Would you say that you had good relationships with your parents growing up? Did you experience anything traumatic as a child?

duckandcover Fri 05-Dec-14 20:46:40

snog I hate the idea of blaming my parents but - but - my relationship with my mother was/ is dreadful. She dislikes me, and far preferred my brother. Which has lots if legacies, some indirect (such as a big age gap between 1st and 2nd dc as I refused to believe a second child wasn't always loved less) some direct. Knowing the things she said to me, I look out for all the signs that I cd be the same. She still does not really care. Recently separated from DH and she said she wdn't come to me for Christmas unless he is there :-( sorry a very long epistle!!!

Genieve Mon 08-Dec-14 21:29:57

Hi duckandcover have you ever been on wrongplanet? Or googled tonyattwood

sugarcoatedthorns Thu 11-Dec-14 08:34:28

Can I add something here?

firstly I am really sorry for your distress, and secondly that taking responsibility for how you feel/act is definitely a brave and helpful thing to do to make a change.

There is something terrifying for you about exploring your emotions in any way, and the shutting down of people that start to become close to you reflects that also.

I think it can be a very dangerous thing to look at some labels and their symptoms, because everyone has some of them, they are on a spectrum, and they can also very much indicate other underlying problems that are nothing to do with PD's.

I very much agree with Snogs question, many things that people present with from fractured attachments fit PDs, so self-diagnosis on this basis is extremely damaging to you because it denies trauma.

The way you describe your actions do fit very well with a response to your description of your rs with your DM.

The other thing that makes you different and not the norm when it comes to PD is your remorse about yourself, your sadness, and wanting to take responsibility. It sounds a lot more likely that you are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, and opening up here is very brave and a most excellent start fsmile

Its not just about 'blaming' (again, a trait that is prevalent in PD's) which you don't want to do, it's more about finding the reality of how that felt for you.

As children yes we are totally self-centred and not so good at managing our strong emotions, but the pressure of someone who behaved the way your mother did toward you, not liking you, will frame your expectations of the rest of your relationships, and not allow you to fully experience your emotions, shutting them down, like you say.

I hope you can find somewhere, here or elsewhere, that you feel safe to explore these things. The shaking when you get near to emotions is a bit of a giveaway. Emotions once out though wracking at the time, when they leave you have peace and learning, you will feel differently thats for sure.

take care.

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