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Not sure what happened tonight. Grief related? Long, sorry.

(3 Posts)
SpanielFace Thu 13-Nov-14 21:20:02

I'm not sure if this is the right section for this, so apologies if not.

I lost my 2nd baby, a little boy called Alex, back in May when I was 21 weeks pregnant. I had a missed miscarriage at my 20 week scan, was induced and delivered him a few days later. sad There's also been some other stressful events which I don't want to detail on here, nothing as bad as losing Alex but some other things which have caused me worry and upset. Generally a difficult year, topped off by losing a much-wanted 2nd baby. sad

I'm generally a positive, happy sort of person, but have found this year very hard. Outwardly, I've been doing ok, focussing on getting through a day at a time, focussing on DS1 who is now a very active 2.2 year old, concentrating on planning for the future. Probably bottling my feelings much more than I ought to, which is I think is all I know how to do really. A lot of the time though, I feel like I'm walking along a cliff edge, and if I just let myself look down I will fall down and just keep falling forever. So I just keep focussing on looking ahead, and planning. I have felt like this before, when in an unhappy relationship in my 20s, and when I was sleep deprived with a newborn DS1. Both times, things got better on their own (when I left him, and when my hormones settled down, respectively!). I'm not sure if it's depression, or just a response to a difficult time, I've never spoken to anyone about it.

We made the decision to TTC again 2 months ago. My second period has just arrived since starting TTC. I was really hopeful that I might be pregnant this month, and not being seems to have brought lots of things back. I've just had a complete meltdown over a broken shelf on the dishwasher, lost my temper with it, kicked the dishwasher really hard, run out into the garden in tears, screamed and then vomited in the garden. DH calmed me down, and brought me back in. DS in bed, luckily. I felt completely out of control and physically shaky and nauseous for a good 30 mins.

I'm calm again now but quite frightened by what just happened. I've been aware I probably hadn't dealt properly with my feelings about losing Alex, but not sure where tonight came from really. I think I've been hoping so much to be pregnant as a way of "erasing" the last 6 months, even though I know logically that it won't, that a positive pregnancy test doesn't equal a live baby, and even if it did it wouldn't replace Alex.

Is this a normal response to grief? I've never experienced anything like this before. I have never been offered counselling for losing Alex, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should request it, or at least speak to someone?

PorkyMinch Fri 14-Nov-14 07:51:40

I'm so sorry about your little boy.

I understand a little of how you feel, but it has been a very long time for me.

What you are feeling and everything you are doing is normal. It's all very raw and unprocessed at the moment. It will get more manageable over time, although I appreciate that fact isn't much use to you now. But you are not alone.

Kittykat7 Fri 14-Nov-14 13:05:02

So sorry to hear about your baby. It would help to speak to someone. There might be some useful info here www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk

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