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Gambled Savings Away, Acute Depression and Suicidal Thoughts

(14 Posts)
Anon1818 Tue 04-Nov-14 09:22:55

I really don't know where to turn, I've reached the end of my tether and I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I've suffered from depression for as far back as I can remember, I was abused as a child and frequently told I should have been aborted.I was a painfully shy child with no confidence and found it difficult to make friends and form relationships.Eventually I met DP, we married and had two beautiful children and for the first time in my life I found true happiness and security.Family life was wonderful and I devoted myself entirely to being a mum,DH went out to work, I stayed at home, money was tight but we couldnt have been happier.
When our DD became an adolescent, she really hit the skids, and by the time she was 16, she was taking drugs, being extremely promiscuous and just seemed to be hellbent on destroying herself. We did all we could to get on her on the straight and narrow, we loved and supported her and eventually got her back on track,but by my own admission , petrified she would relapse, I quizzed her constantly about her whereabouts and probably stifled her to such a degree she hated me. Without warning at the age of 18, she left to live with her partner.She told me she loathed me and would no longer have any contact whatsoever with me, and my life crumbled.
Me DH and DS struggled to adjust to life without her, but she made it clear thats how she wanted it to be. I tried to make contact so many times but was greeted with silence.
I made it clear she knew where we were if she changed her mind, but four years on, the story remains the same.
Recently, DS left home to go to uni, and I have to admit, I'm really sruggling with life.I feel so empty and without purpose, and my depression which i've had since my teens is absolutely crippling.
About three weeks back, I saw an ad for an online gambling site, and stupidly signed up.I've never previously gambled before my entire life, but I had a code for a free bet so I thought Why not?
Within about twenty minutes or so, I was thirty pound down, and ridiculously I threw good money after bad, and before I knew it I was £200 down.This was money we'd saved, we have an issue with really bad ricketty old windows, and had been setting money aside every month to get them replaced.I quit before I lost anymore cash, but then DH started asking questions about how he hadnt seen the bank statement this month. I look after the finances, ironically because i'm so good at budgeting , I look after the cash card, make sure the bills are paid, direct debits are covered, everything, he just has an occasional look at the bank statement and thats that, but he kept mentioning the statement, and in a blind panic, i logged onto to the betting site, hellbent on recouping the cash. I was in a blind panic, and my mind was all over the place, to cut a long story short I ended up losing over a thousand pound, every penny of the money we'd worked so hard to save for the windows.
I have never felt so low in my entire life, I was gullible, pathetic, reckless and stupid beyond words, and I loathe myself. I'm still reeling from what I've done and I can barely function, I can't eat or sleep, and I'm in a state of panic about my husband finding out.
I called Gamcare, the gambling helpline straight away and they were brilliant, I have barred myself from the gambling site , but I don't know where to turn. I can't lie, my DH is a good man, but in the past he has been violent towards me,he gave me a black eye in the past and bit my hand so hard I couldnt open or close it properly for weeks ,its not happened for a long time, but he has a terrible temper , and although its rarely seen, I'm pretty sure when he finds out what i've done he will absolutely lose control.
I'm fighting a losing battle right now, everything has turned to shit, and theres no way to rectify it, I'm considering walking out, what other option do I have? I dont expect your sympathy, I don't deserve it, I had a lapse of reason, me, the most penny pinching Mrs Scrooge youve ever met, and I blew over a grand in just over an hour, I don't know where to turn, I've never so low and so frightened, please help, this is all too much.

bluebell345 Tue 04-Nov-14 09:46:21

First of all I would like to congratulate you for what a good person you became after such a bad childhood.
you made a little mistake, everyone does, but you took precations to not to do it and I find you very strong.
re your husband, if he was violent to you that is unacceptable, ever. you will be told here to leave him I am guessing.
re your daughter I think she has been unreasonable to you. you did your best for her. leave it as it is, she will understand when she has children.
I think you have choices to make. do you have any real life support. if not you can contact women's aid n your area. they can give very good support to you.
never blame and upset yourself. in your shoes someone could easily lose their way and end up in a very bad condition. you must be proud of yourself.

Anon1818 Tue 04-Nov-14 09:50:03

Thank you for your kind words, Bluebell, I just feel so alone and petrified of having to explain to my husband what i've done. I have no support from anyone, I just kind of roll up my sleeves and try and get on with life, but this seems to be too much for me to bear and I went to bed last night hoping I wouldnt wake up..

ginhag Tue 04-Nov-14 09:57:16

Please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. They will help you.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes Tue 04-Nov-14 10:14:53

Totally agree with bluebell that you are strong to have knocked the gambling on the head. It is really hard to have teenagers who are so disruptive, and then when the younger one leaves for university it takes time to adjust. You cannot consider ending your life now. What message does that send to your children, to your son in particular? He will feel responsible and would probably never recover.

It is only money. I know that sounds laughable to you right now, and it might well take a lot to get it back or work to save it up again, but it is not worth losing your life over!

Go and see your GP about the depression, gambling,. self esteem, your daughter...ask for a MH assessment and see what support there is for you on that front.

Do you work? Could you work some extra hours to save up more money, or consider moving to somewhere smaller and easier to manage now your DCs have left home?

There are lots of options and considerations. You could both move somewhere smaller, or you could move out separately, or you move out and he decides for himself what to do. If you want to stay there together you are going to need ti tell him about the money pretty soon. (I don't like the idea of you telling him when you are alone together. Could you go out to somewhere public where he might have more self control and others around could help you, and tell him there?)

You need to know whether you can do this together with your husband or not. If he is violent, then you should obviously leave, but if it is more that you are scared that he might be, and that the fear is greater/worse than the reality, then there might be a future together. (Though how much has he really changed?) Do you have any friends or relatives you could go and stay with for a bit, and let him know about the gambling by phone and see how he reacts?

Don't worry. You have shown tremendous strength and you can get through this to a happier life.

Anon1818 Tue 04-Nov-14 10:26:03

Thank you for your kind words, Yegods, I'm on the waiting list for counselling. and I'm currently looking for a better paid job,I just can't bring myself to tell my husband, even if hes calm he will hold it against me for the rest of my life, I just know he will!
I have no other support, I wish to God I did,I'm sure it would make all the difference if I had

Anon1818 Tue 04-Nov-14 10:32:57

To be honest,I can't really think rationally at the moment, I'm still in shock about what I've done, and busy thinking up ways to conceal it.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes Tue 04-Nov-14 11:56:32

Ok, good move to conceal the gambling from your husband for now. (As long as it is to protect yourself from harm, and not so you can secretly continue to gamble or return to it in the future.) But surely he will notice the money is missing?

I don't know anything about your situation, and I don't know you or your husband, but I want to assure you that you cannot know someone else's mind well enough that they will hold something against you for the rest of your life. You don't know that. It might be likely, if he is the type to hold grudges. If he is like that then it's not a good marriage for either of you.

Did you tell the doctor about the gambling? Do you experience highs and lows? (Say, a high of manic behaviour and racing thoughts/speech when gambling, followed by lows of the kind of thoughts in your OP?) That was what I was thinking a doctor could help with. Sorry if I am way off and reading too much into your posts, am concerned for your safety.

It would be a good idea to go to Citizen's Advice Bureau to get some advice about finances.

Agree with contacting Women's Aid to get advice and specialist support from a place where your anonymity and confidentiality will be protected. They can help you leave your husband safely too.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 04-Nov-14 12:03:52

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread Anon1818, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon flowers

Anon1818 Wed 05-Nov-14 14:59:09

Thank you for your kind words.
Yegods, I'd never gamble again in a million years, it's taken me to a very dark place, and I'm struggling to get my head around everything. It's made my current situation regarding my daughter, depression etc a million times worse, and believe me, if I could turn back time I would.
I can't leave my husband or my home, its the only security I have, and believe it or not, marriage wise, we're in a really good place at the moment.
I can't risk jeopardising any of that, so I've decided to get a bank loan independently, I've made some enquiries, the rates are low and at least that way the lump sum will make up the shortfall in the account. Again it may take a bit on concealing, but its the only option I have.I've begged for a couple of extra shifts at work, so that should cover some of the repayments.
I think I've made the right choice, I got myself into this mess, and I will get myself out of it.

bluebell345 Wed 05-Nov-14 19:16:37

As far as I see you doing your best Anon. And I hope you feeling better, too. If any time if you are in despair please call Women's Aid. They are very good.
I am not sure about your dh's temper, was it long time ago? do you think he has recovered from it completely? Any case, remember Women's Aid.
Best wishes.

Sicksquid Wed 05-Nov-14 19:25:06

Oh, love, I wish you could see how you are not a bad person because of this, or because of your daughter's appalling attitude towards you. This gambling has not made you a bad person, you have simply done something reckless in a moment of madness. You have not hurt another human being, but you are hurting yourself with this guilt and panic.

Do call Women's Aid. I wish you all the best thanks

YeGodsAndLittleFishes Wed 05-Nov-14 23:42:16

Totally agree with the last two posts. You are not a bad person. Completely the opposite. Would like to say more but it is so late, I keep falling asleep while typing.

I'm so impressed that you have got a plan together so quickly to replace the money.

I don't know what to say about your husband. Just know that there are many people here to support you through whatever lies ahead.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Fri 07-Nov-14 21:17:16

I wouldn't get a bank loan, as the transactions will still be on the statement.

Unless there is a way to get the transactions deleted.

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