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Upset tonight. Angry. Sad. Resigned.(2 Posts)
Message to my cousin that asked what was wrong.
Nothing cousin. Nothing at all. I love being cut out of my family because of your brother. I love my kids not getting presents because of your brother. I love getting punched and headbutted for standing up for my friend that was being attacked by her boyfriend. I love trying to be a good person for what. To be lied about, gossiped about, scape goated about. What do you want me to say. Your step mum blocked me on Facebook. My own father won't even speak to me. And for what. What the fuck did I do. I was seven fucking years old. And you knew it. As did D. When we were walking down to the loch. As did so many people but fuck, it's okay for him to carry on his life. I've lost half of mine thanks to him. I will never get to have the life I deserved because of him. But it's okay because it's only me. Just celestria that if she only kept her mouth shut everything would be fine. Everyone else can carry on their lives but I need to just get over it. Just move on. Just accept that I'm damaged forever because of what he did. And my own family. The ones that brought me up. Would give my personal number to him. Would ask him how he is. Would cut me out for saying how it was. That's your brother, cousin. Why are you messaging. I don't understand it. My own father can shit on me but not you. Are you waiting for me to trip myself up?
All I have ever done is loved people. I loved your brother. I was seven and all my brothers loved him. I thought I was special because he wanted to spend time with me. It made my whole day. My big older cousin that everyone adored. And he wanted to spend time with me. What a baby I was.
Then two weeks ago I'm at a party and my friend gets attacked. I stand up for her and get headbutted. Then punched. And the OTHER side of my family want me to shut up. Say nothing because my poor wee cousin will lose her house. So I say nothing. But my cousin decides to ignore that and forgives him and our friend.
At this stage I'm beyond caring what people think. I've spent a lifetime trying to please everyone else and do what's right. Stand up for my family, help them and do what I can. But at the start of this year when I'm having a full on breakdown begging every day to my brother to come up and stop me from hanging myself and the only support I get is a reproach for not telling my dad, it's the last straw. Your brother broke me. Then my father did. And I'm always trying to piece myself back together. But it just doesn't work. And I can't even make it stop because I have babies and I'd never do that to them.
So day in, day out, I live in this weird kind of half world. And I still do what I think is right. And it still hurts when I get shat on for doing it. Your brother denied doing anything to me. Yet I randomly plucked his name out of thin air to describe in detail what he did to me at the age of ten. His wife, once informed of my personal number, told me my own family hated me and she was right. I got abused and I'm the one that gets to live with that.
Getting hit and headbutted isn't the same thing. But people's responses have been the same. Oh he's an arsehole. Oh he wouldn't normally do that. Oh she must have done something. Oh he's wonderful and she's a bitch. Should be used to it but I'm not.
I just want to be left alone cousin. It hurts a lot less that way.
Sounds rotten, all of it. You sound like someone who is managing to carve your way through the shit despite all the dross around you though, you must be very strong to do that.
Your family sound like the sort of people who don't talk about what happens behind closed doors - no matter how dreadful. Very backward way of thinking. Very backward people then, and ones you're clearly better off without, except that your family are supposed to be the ones who care most about you in the world. Except a lot of the time, they don't. A LOT of the time. That doesn't help you though - except to let you know that you're not alone in having a shit family.
I never thought much of this group therapy malarkey, how could strangers' problems have anything to do with me? until I read a book about a particular subject and realised that I wasn't odd, or alone - in fact I appeared to be in a majority! - and that, inexplicably, made me feel a LOT better.
So while it doesn't directly help you, at least you know you are neither odd nor alone in your troubles. And I hope that gives you some tiny glimmer of comfort.
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