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Struggling with depression due to TTC & unsupportive partner

(6 Posts)
BobsyBoo Sun 02-Nov-14 20:06:14


We have been trying to conceive our second child for almost 2 years & the fact it's just not happening is leaving me feeling very depressed & my OH just doesn't understand. We both want a second child very much but when it comes to TTC he's very uncooperative, he's always tired or unwell at the right time. The fact I'm failing to conceive is bringing out lots of other problems like me feeling so unloved & wanted by OH, we don't have sex at any other time & he never shows me any love or affection, sex feels like a duty because we both want another child. We don't go out together just the 2 of us or even watch tv together, one of us is upstairs while the other is downstairs. He says that I don't show him love & affection but I'm the only one who instigates sex & there's times when I want hug but I don't feel I can go to him. He ever comforts me when I'm upset. He's also told me that having another baby is all I care about. He's also said I'm the one that's causing all the problems & it's all in my head that he doesn't love or want to have sex with me. He won't show me he loves me because I don't show him so it's a vicious circle. Every month it has got that bit worse & now I feel at the end of my tether. I'm crying so much & the smallest things trigger it off. I've lost it tonight with OH & felt like I was heading for some kind of break down. He says he has done nothing wrong & it's all down to me & 'the ideas I get in my head'. I know I'm not perfect but I just can't get him to understand, I feel like everything is a battle with him when we should be working together & supporting each other. That said we do have good family days out with our DD.

I guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Sun 02-Nov-14 21:01:13

I think you should put a hold on TTC and get yourself better.

Not only that but your relationship needs serious work, I hope I don't sound nasty because that is not my intention. But do you think it's wise to bring a baby into this world when both mum and dad are not getting on.

Tbh I think your partner sounds like an emotionally abusive bastard. I know ttc can take its toll, but no way should he be treating you like that.

Trust your instincts. This isn't all in your head.

I have been an utter bitch to DH to the point that I wanted to leave on my own without my DC. I felt that I wasn't good enough.

However DH has been up with me in the small hours of the night cuddling me through panic attacks. He has come with the doctors appointment to explain. He has told the DC to leave me alone when I finally crash out due to lack of sleep.

BobsyBoo Sun 02-Nov-14 21:45:25

Thanks for your reply Piper I don't think you sound nasty at all.

The trouble with putting TTC on hold is that I'm already 38 & as silly as this might sound I think if I did get pg things would improve - I know a baby doesn't fix things, but the stress of it not happening will have gone & something I've wanted for so long would finally on its way to me. However a big part of me think it might be a good idea to give up on TTC but I think I'd end up resenting OH for making it so difficult.

I need his support & understanding but so much but he just can't give it. I do trust that its not all down to me & I don't feel this way on purpose! I've been a complete bitch too & said some awful things but its down to utter frustration & him totally not getting it & being arrogant enough to think he's done absolutely nothing wrong.

I've had feelings like that too, should I just leave OH & DD to it, because I'm not enough for OH, I know I'd never really leave DD though.

That's lovely of your DH I'm glad your getting support that you need.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Sun 02-Nov-14 22:33:16

You can have a baby, there is alway sperm donations.

Don't trap yourself in an unhappy relationship because of wanting/needing another child.

I believe that if someone can't take you for the worst then they don't deserve you at the worst.

SilverStars Sun 02-Nov-14 23:10:08

Hi we went through years of infertility to have our ds, including ivf. Posting on conception or infertility boards as well may help - I got a lot of support from there.
What I learnt is some of the things you posted can be common in longer term ttc. Age makes it harder. Problem is when miss "right time" to conceive each month even though ttc for 2yrs/5yrs etc perhaps it is not in reality as many cycles - so working on relationship can help when start ttc again.
Have you had any fertility tests? To check out you are both ok? Gp may order some basic ones.

BobsyBoo Mon 03-Nov-14 00:08:51

Hi Silver that must have been really tough. Yes I post on the conception boards too & it's been great to talk to people but I now feel like I'm sinking in to depression. I'm crying loads & and when my period arrives I completely lose it. I had a scan earlier this year & blood tests a couple of months ago & everything is fine. I went to see my GP again because of how badly I'm coping when my period arrives & she wouldn't prescribe antidepressants because of TTC, she was very sympathetic but did say there was nothing more they could do because of my age. I chart my cycle, do OPK's & take my temperature so I know we are managing at least once in my fertile window. I know I need to work on my relationship but I don't know where to start as I feel my OH makes it difficult for me.

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