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Diagnosed with depression but I feel like such a fraud.

(69 Posts)
ginhag Sat 01-Nov-14 15:52:10

Can't be arsed to name change, haven't been on here for ages anyway.

I've got a chronic pain condition and it has been really, really getting me down. I'm bit of a 'coper' and shit at asking for help but I got to the point where I just couldn't manage anymore and I felt like I was unravelling and all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt (feel) awful and finally told my very lovely doctor.

I'm now on sertaline but still feel low, exhausted, sad and fairly useless tbh. But the big thing is that I feel like I've made the depression up, as an excuse for just being, well, a bit shit really.

My lovely DH is doing his best to support me and I have 2 beautiful children and they all just deserve more really. I feel like I'm letting everyone down all the time. I'm so pissed off with myself for being like this.

I'm sorry I know there are many on here facing much worse than this, so feel free to tell me to bloody well pull myself together!

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Sat 01-Nov-14 16:23:29

Be kind to yourself.

Having depression is not a weakness, as you have said you feel low and shit about yourself.

You do have depression and are not a fraud.

ginhag Sat 01-Nov-14 17:29:29

Thank you Piper.

I've been having the same thing with my pain condition too- in truth I know that my bad days are so so painful but now I just keep thinking that maybe I am just pathetic and anyone else would just overcome it.

I just feel so lost. And so disappointed in myself. I don't know what to do.

scousadelic Sat 01-Nov-14 17:34:35

That's the thing about depression gin, you can't see you've got it until you are feeling better and look back. Feeling shit and wanting to stay in bed is a pretty good clue though

Hope you feel better soon

ginhag Sat 01-Nov-14 19:26:55

Thanks scouse

ginhag Sat 01-Nov-14 20:34:55

I want to talk about it but I can't talk. Took me ages to write the OP. I've lost all my words.

It's eating at me. I hate it.

Quitelikely Sat 01-Nov-14 20:37:37

OP what is your condition? Might there be others on here who can offer other coping strategies for it if you said what it was?

ginhag Sat 01-Nov-14 22:28:26

Hey Quitelikely.

It's either sphenopalletine neuralgia or resistant recurrent severe facial migraine, they fluctuate between the 2.

I have a low level of pain most of the time, peaking to a drill into my cheekbone when it's bad.

I'm just a mess tho. It's been going on for more than 3 years, I can't do this for the rest of my life. I'm developing a less than admirable relationship with alcohol.

Did I mention that I hate myself?? My poor boys deserve a less shit mum

ginhag Sat 01-Nov-14 22:38:06

Sorry. Just been feeling so isolated (my own fault) and wanted to somehow reach out to someone.

Wolfiefan Sat 01-Nov-14 22:45:43

Not your fault.
Not a shit mum.
I can't imagine the pain of these conditions. I would say developing depression is not to be unexpected.
Feeling isolated can be due to the depression but also due to other people really not understanding pain.

DizzyKipper Sat 01-Nov-14 22:46:08

Going through what you're going through I don't think you can call yourself shit, and yes, you sound depressed to me too. I've worked with people with pain conditions, they really are awful. Believe me, it's not you, other people wouldn't just be picking themselves up and getting on with their days either. thanks I'm sorry you're so low.

DizzyKipper Sat 01-Nov-14 22:47:48

Just thinking, have you tried accessing support groups for pain conditions? Would meeting other people who know what you're going through help?

AmethystMoon Sat 01-Nov-14 22:47:53

I have been on sertraline for 8 weeks now and it has really helped.. I agree with the poster that said that until you feel better you don't realise how depressed you are/were. I also felt like I was a fraud when diagnosed. You are not alone.

ginhag Sat 01-Nov-14 22:55:32

Oh god thank you all, you've just made me cry!

dizzy I have finally got referred to the pain clinic (no idea why it took loads of consultations, 3 operations, and all manner of appointments before that happened!) but I think they are the place to help me with coping strategies.

I think I should've asked for help sooner, I feel like I've fallen apart and I don't feel like me anymore. I'm trying to avoid every social interaction, I just want to hide. I don't want to leave my bed, never mind my house!

ginhag Sat 01-Nov-14 22:56:09

amethyst thank you so much xx

ginhag Sat 01-Nov-14 23:32:53

I am letting everyone down though, all the time. My husband, my kids, my work (it's DH's and my business...) and well pretty much everyone else too.

ginhag Sat 01-Nov-14 23:56:05

Feing so empty tonight. Was hoping someone was around.

Managed to stop drinking early tonight and have had about 27 cups of camomile tea instead.

Hopefully my stupid fucking brain will let me sleep now.

Thanks to everyone for saying nice stuff x

Viviennemary Sat 01-Nov-14 23:59:22

You sound really brave to me. flowers

Loveneverfails Sun 02-Nov-14 00:02:30

depression sucks.

been there got the t.

you cant really believe you have it and believe its justs because you are a bit crap but you sound like you have real reasons to feel down.

please please please treat yourself as you would treat a friend. hint - not harshly.

xxx hugs

ginhag Sun 02-Nov-14 00:32:59

I don't feel at all brave vivienne but thank you!

love thanks for the hugs. Something I can't get enough of at the moment (my poor kids!)

I can't sleep. DHL watching a film, I was going to go down just to have a cuddle but am worried I'm going to start to do his head in behaving like I am (tho he has been nothing but supportive)

I feel so alone. All the time.

ginhag Sun 02-Nov-14 00:34:02

DHL?? DH there are no couriers in my living room

DizzyKipper Sun 02-Nov-14 08:02:33

I'm sorry I wasn't there last night, my daughter woke up crying and I had to go. I was feeling alone as well, we could've been alone together. thanks I hope you've woken up feeling a bit better today. <friendly waves>

ginhag Sun 02-Nov-14 14:30:59

Hey dizzy <waves back>

I'm sort of okayish today, trying not to beat myself up too much for a bit.

how are you doing? Sorry you were feeling alone last night too.

AmethystMoon Sun 02-Nov-14 17:14:20

Glad you are feeling a bit better today. I found I had really down days and kind of ok ones, then the down ones got more frequent. The sertraline has kind of evened me out, so I feel so much better and less overwhelmed by everything.
You aren't letting everyone down, you are getting help, which is the most important thing you can do for those around you.

ginhag Sun 02-Nov-14 19:14:35

Thanks again amethyst. I'm definitely down more than I'm okay, although DH and the kids manage to pull me out of it a bit sometimes (but mostly it just ends up with me getting upset that I can be so low when they are so lovely...)

My ok days are a bit faked tbh but at least on okay days I'm sort of capable of faking it!

I've been all strung out and easily wound up by the kids today. They really are so good on the whole, not perfect but they are only little ffs! I feel bad that I'm so snappy and bad tempered. I love them so much.

It's really good to hear the sertaline has helped you- how long before you noticed it? I hope you are much happier/calmer and stay that way x

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