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Pretty sure I am Bi-Polar. What next?

(43 Posts)
weakestlink Sun 26-Oct-14 06:50:59

I'm pretty sure I'm bi-polar.

I have practically destroyed my family. Both my mother and DH bankrupt after my spending got out of control and me refusing to acknowledge a problem.

I have controlled DH so much he felt it necessary to have an affair to regain some control in his life.
He recognises what he did was wrong but my behaviour is out of control.

My mum has ended all contact with me recently and I haven't spoken to my dad in years.

I went through a period of promiscuity during university which lasted 6 months or so and travelled a lot, to the point that I barely scraped my degree.

I have a feeling that I literally know everything, I'm better than everyone else and I can do anything if I want to.

From reading up on the condition it would seem I am mainly manic. But also paranoid and very anxious.

What do I do next?!

I feel as if I go to the doctor they will laugh at me and think I am making an excuse for my awful behaviour.

I haven't mentioned to my husband either as we are semi separated and he is currently not living with me.

I have 3 small children which I manage well with work but life is very stressful. Being manic most of the time kind of helps me look after the kids as I don't get much sleep.

What to do next...?

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 26-Oct-14 08:49:13

Please see your GP. Take the list of behaviours with you, and a time-line. The GP won't laugh or think it's excuses - they should consider whether the things you've done are symptoms iyswim. IMHO they should refer you to secondary services for a proper assessment. Not sleeping much will keep the mania ticking on, or make it worse.

I have sometimes had hypomania (needed in-patient treatment) - was delusional, so could have been dangerous.

weakestlink Sun 26-Oct-14 09:38:04

I should also add my grandmother was bi-polar (called manic depression back then)

Mitchy1nge Sun 26-Oct-14 10:05:25

like the silverypussycat says, your GP should refer you for assessment without laughing (why would they laugh? confused)

mon-fri you could phone what was the manic depression fellowship 020 7931 6480 and talk things over with them, they are really helpful, have you visited the website yet? lots of more nationally relevant info than on the wider web which doesn't always recognise the same routes to diagnosis and treatment

but do have a think about what you'd want from a diagnosis - validation, education, medication, some kind of talking therapy/coping strategies?

weakestlink Sun 26-Oct-14 10:59:06

I will make a GP appointment tomorrow....

I guess I am probably looking for medication and that's why I want a diagnosis. Anything that can help me manage my behavior before I lose everything.

We are already in a pretty bad situation in that my DH is about to go bankrupt and I am already in an IVA. We have no family support due to my behaviour and we are supposed to be moving house in December.

I manage to maintain my job and life with the kids but people do notice I'm "odd" and well, manic sometimes but I don't think bipolar is common enough for them to put the pieces together.

When I'm low I don't wash, change my clothes for days etc but no one seems to notice much, or just puts it down to being a mum of 3 little ones.

My mind races most of the time and I get fixated on stuff. Buying things online is also a problem and I often forget what I've bought until the things turn up by courier.

I am either obsessively clean in the house and can be found mopping floors at midnight or I can't be bothered to do the washing up some days and I have recently found it really hard to do a "big shop" at the supermarket so I buy stuff as we go which means we are constantly out of bread / milk / food. I don't know why I do that it's such a pain but I can't bring myself to do certain things. Makes no sense.

weakestlink Sun 26-Oct-14 11:05:19

Does anyone know if attending appointments with small children in tow is possible?

I don't have many childcare options these days and friends are reluctant to look after all 3....

How do people manage....?

Squirrel05 Sun 26-Oct-14 22:29:57

Hi weakest link, just go to your GP. You can take the kids. The GP will be used to it. Like Mitchy said, the GP should refer you for an assessment.
If you are referred for an assessment, it would be easier if you can sort childcare for all or some of the children. But if you can't, the mental health professional will manage. Can DH not help with childcare? You don't need to tell him what the appointment's for. Its just a medical appointment.
People can and do manage. It can take time to get the right support, which can be very frustrating, but you'll get there.

weakestlink Mon 27-Oct-14 07:06:28

I am going to call the GP today.

I will have to take the kids with me today as half term and DH is working. He isn't living with us at the moment which makes things hard.

Mitchy1nge Mon 27-Oct-14 10:26:56

good luck, let us know how it goes x

weakestlink Mon 27-Oct-14 11:11:52

No appointments sad have to try again tomo.....

Mitchy1nge Mon 27-Oct-14 11:14:44

do you feel ok about writing to your GP? some people find it easier to make sure they get all the main points across on paper, it might be helpful to jot stuff down beforehand anyway to get it clear in your own mind especially if it will be awkward to discuss certain behaviours in front of children?

have never done this myself, it's just something people say

weakestlink Mon 27-Oct-14 18:09:18

I have written a 5 page history covering the past 10 years. In writing it I have discovered I am mainly manic, or have been over the period.
Or perhaps I don't remember the depression so much?
Funny I also find the details of the manic episodes hard to remember even in the recent past. I just know I ended up here or there but not sure how if that makes sense!

I am worried about the diagnosis procedure as I am moving to a fairly under-developed country healthcare wise in 6 weeks time. I would like to talk things through with a British doctor before we move so I know where I am starting from when I look for help in my new city.

Mitchy1nge Mon 27-Oct-14 18:42:11

it makes sense, I somewhat conveniently forget everything pretty much - even how it feels to be suicidal even though that's how things generally end up hmm

hope you get an appointment and a swift referral for assessment, I didn't go that route so am not sure how long it takes (I was in a hospital out of area when they first mentioned bipolar, then I was moved to another hospital and the consultant spent quite a long time deliberating over what was wrong and ever since then everyone has always assumed he was right) do you have the option of seeing someone privately, it might speed things up?

weakestlink Mon 27-Oct-14 19:33:34

Yes I have emailed a private consultant but no reply yet.....
I think that may be my best option really at least to get his initial thoughts.
I feel like I'm having an out of body experience though as I find it quite hard to believe I am perhaps not the super intelligent, important person I think I am! I know that literally sounds crazy.....

weakestlink Mon 27-Oct-14 19:36:02

I also feel that noone apart from DH should know about this. They will sideline my opinions and question every thing I say / decision I make. That would be awful.
I don't want people whispering about me all the time wondering if I'm stable or not.
Or just saying I'm crazy if I disagree with their opinion....

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 27-Oct-14 19:50:20

What does DH think? And is the move away with him?

Bipolar can exist together with intelligence, you know wink, even when stable.

weakestlink Mon 27-Oct-14 20:29:04

Yes the move is with him -
A fresh start for us....

We've gone too far in the process to stop it now so we have to go....

Mitchy1nge Mon 27-Oct-14 21:36:22

people don't have to know, I'm a bit more relaxed about it now I've discovered what a helpful tool it can be in evading personal responsibility 'sorry, I've got a severe mental disorder that makes me do questionable things' but I concealed it for as long as possible and was terrified of anyone finding out - I didn't know there was anything wrong with me and the diagnosis was a terrible shock. Anyway you have found out lots about it and might find it a relief to have an explanation for various things and to discover how far it is possible to control your moods and improve your life. There are worse things you could have, at least we know quite a lot about bipolar and can exert a lot of individual influence over its course in our lives.

weakestlink Tue 28-Oct-14 14:45:20

Horray the private psyciatrist can see me on Friday.

Mitchy1nge Wed 29-Oct-14 10:27:15

great news! good luck x

weakestlink Fri 31-Oct-14 14:27:28

So the doctor didn't think I do suffer from bipolar........
Just some undesirable personality traits and suggested some reading material for me to take abroad.
He didn't think medication would be appropriate....
He said basically I am in control of my actions and if I had bipolar I wouldn't be. An example he used was buying shoes: a person with bipolar might buy 10 pairs of shoes all in different sizes. I would buy 10 pairs all in my size.

I am quite confused now to be honest but I was 100% open and honest with him and he read my 5 page history timeline. He is well regarded in his field so I have no reason to doubt his judgement....

He said that I am very intelligent and need to channel that appropriately which is something I am working on at the moment.

He said that a lot of my insecurities/control issues stem from the childhood experiences which I can see.

Hmm.... Not sure what to do now!

msrisotto Fri 31-Oct-14 14:43:21

Wahey! You were not being delusional about your impressive intellect wink. The Psychiatrist might be wrong though....and he might not be.

In the UK, Psychiatrists use the ICD 10 (link) to diagnose mental health issues. Bipolar is under F31, if you're interested.

This stood out to me:
"I have a feeling that I literally know everything, I'm better than everyone else and I can do anything if I want to."

In my experience this is the thought process of someone who is manic, or grandiose/narcissistic. It sounds like he was saying you might have grandiose tendencies. The term narcissism has negative connotations on this board as people use it when talking about in laws or other people they don't like! But everyone is a bit of a narcissist, good people and mean ones. Article on NPD - not saying you have it of course!.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 31-Oct-14 14:56:04

I do have a diagnosis - bipolar 2 I think - I spend more during the run up to hypomania and loss of insight, but as I am frugal, I buy things I need and would otherwise do without. Like last spring - when I bought £140 of carefully matched clothing from M&S! I'm pretty sure if I got to the stage of buying shoes, they'd all be my size - thought that was a v odd thing for him to say. No-one has ever asked about my spending, as when I'm 'gone' it is obvious I need IP treatment (to which I respond v quickly). I did meet someone in hospital who had bought a truck when manic.

I suppose the next thing is to read up on stuff. And entrust cross-checks on your state to someone close - I have 'pressured speech' when losing it, my DM noticing this in a phone call from me, is what began the process of evaluating my mh state by, in my case, the crisis team, as I'm alreadly in secondary services.

weakestlink Fri 31-Oct-14 15:29:10

I think he was saying that I am in control of my actions and whilst some of my personality traits are unseasonable - narcissism for example, I cannot account it to an illness.

I genuinely do think I am very intelligent and more intelligent than most "regular" people (nuclear scientists et al not included). He seemed to agree that I am indeed very intelligent. And manipulative. But I am choosing to behave like this and I need to learn to tone it down and moderate my behaviour....

msrisotto Fri 31-Oct-14 15:45:16

Do you think he was fair in what he said? Do you feel like you are in control of your actions? You are the expert in you.

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