Bollockybollockybollocky HTT

[EnpoTree]

Basically I have to take bloody diazepam three times a day and be visited by HTT every day and even then the nurse reckons it's 50/50 if I'll need to go into hospital or not. This has gone too far. I'm absobloodylutely sodding fine and visited the drop-in as I was worried I was going to become not-fine and wanted to know how to stop DP worrying unnecessarily after having spoken to CMHT as I was referred from GP as I wanted to avoid becoming depressed and how to maintain my current good humour and general sparkling and effervescent nature. The lesson apparently being that being responsible and proactive with your mental health gets you accused of poor insight and told to take drugs on pain of hospital admission.

She's really fucking scared me. I will not go into hospital. So to avoid it I have to swallow pills that make me slow and stupid and sleepy even though I am totally happy with the way I am now and it's everyone else who doesn't like it. Maybe its everyone else who needs bloody medicating.

I hate this so much. I know its a bad idea to get involved in MH services. So why do I ever go back?

[YouAreMyRain]

Can you talk about your "current good humour and sparkling effervescent character"?

I suspect that maybe you came across as a bit full on or possibly "manic". What is your MH history? Depression/bipolar/other?

[EnpoTree]

Er, well, they do seem to be under the impression that I'm slightly too high of mood but a) as far as I'm concerned that's a good thing, b) I haven't been diagnosed with anything by the psychiatrist yet and c) I have banned the m-word in my presence.

Long and complicated MH history (but never personally diagnosed with bipolar), but seriously actually genuinely better than I've been in many years at the moment and amazed that MH services are wasting so much time and effort on my possibly-slightly-elevated mood when I know for a fact that suicidal and psychotic people are left to rot.

[EnpoTree]

I've never experienced the home treatment team before. Last time I was involved with crisis MH care it seemed to involve sending the psychiatrist round to tell you to pack a bag. I guess a lot changes in a decade.

[EnpoTree]

The thing is I never would've talked to the GP or the OOH GP or the CMHT or the OOH psychiatric service if I'd thought there was a smidgen of a scrap of an iota of a scintilla or a chance that I would be sectioned.

[EnpoTree]

OF a chance. DYAC.

[EnpoTree]

Also DYDiazepam as half the typos that autocorrect is incorrectly correcting are entirely down to fumblefingering caused by benzo bleh.

[EnpoTree]

Bollocky. I have to do as I'm advised and take the diazepam.

[ChillingGrinBloodLover]

It must be horrible to have to take something that makes you feel horrible, if you aren't unhappy with the way you feel.

However... you do seem quite UP, quite a long way UP, so even though it feels crap, it probably is for the best x

[EnpoTree]

So I am told by people I trust

[EnpoTree]

But you're right. It is horrible, and other than when people are making me feel agitated and anxious by acting concerned and worried and by insisting I sit still and/or talk about my feelings, I feel bloody brilliant. But now I have to poison myself with bloody diazepam as the alternative is walking out the door and lying across the third rail as I utterly refuse to ever go into a psychiatric hospital ever again.

[EnpoTree]

NOT that I want to kill myself!

[EnpoTree]

Is there anyone else who hates diazepam? Almost everyone I meet seems to love it

[EnpoTree]

When I've suffered anxiety in the past ilive been grateful of course but it just seems churlish to dull down one of the nicest experiences of my life with brainsludgerator.

[EnpoTree]

Grateful for the duvetsnuggliness effects of diazepam I mean.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Hello

I'm sorry you're having a shit time with the services, maybe if you stick to the diazepam for a while, the worrying (for those close to you) phase may pass?

[EnpoTree]

Oh gods now I'm wimbling on ok here almost as much as I am in real life. I've started to lose my voice from talking So yes I know I'm slightly up but I don't understand why this requires intensive treatment any more than being slightly down, which is of course frequently and admirably treated by the many fine General practitioners of whose services we can avail ourselves.

[Fairyfellowsmasterstroke]

I would trust the HTT - they are the professionals and TBH, you do seem quite high/agitated from your posts.

I wish you well but you really need to talk this out with them.

[EnpoTree]

Hello Bastard! I remember you from a
Previous thread though you won't remember me as I was on a different account altogether. You're very lovely.

Yes I am taking the diazepam to keep others happy.

[EnpoTree]

I have talked it out with them and will apparently be required to talk it out again with one if them for another two hours tomorrow. Just wanted to rant as everyone I can talk to in real life either a) cares about me enough hat vernalising this stuff would possibly deeply wort them or b) has the power to deprive me of my Liberty.

[EnpoTree]

Oh typos, typos, why do you plague me so?

[YouAreMyRain]

I quite like diazepam, I try not to take it too often because I panic about running out of it.

I am quite anxious generally. I am not diagnosed bipolar but definitely have phases of the "m" word from time to time. It feels good so I can see why you don't want to dampen this feeling with meds.

I think that the MH professionals you have seen have more skills, experience and info than us, plus you don't want to be admitted so it's advisable to take the diazepam.

[EnpoTree]

I am taking it

[BastardGoDarkly]

I do remember you lovely

Think things got pretty hairy at least once, so tbf it's not just that you're feeling great is it?

[YouAreMyRain]

I know you're taking it, and the HTT will be reassured by that.

[EnpoTree]

Rain, I too have experienced the crawlingn horrors of anxiety and agree that diazepam is most welcome in its ability to file some of the nastier barbs off the claws of the horrormonster - it's just taking it for a good mood that seems so blummin ungrateful seeing as a good mood is the only thing I've longed for for long stretches of the ruts of despair.

if I could give you all my diazepam I would.