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Being harassed/stalked by mentally ill "friend".

(21 Posts)
AppleBoat Thu 10-Jul-14 18:53:46

DH's (now ex) friend,is mentally ill.

He was sectioned at the beginning of June, and is currently in hospital, but now has 8 hours a day out and about.

Sometime in April he decided he doesn't like DH, and wants to be with me. Apparently he wants me and my younger two DC to move in with him.

I was regularly coming home to find "romantic gifts" on my doorstep, which stopped when he was sectioned but started again today.

He knows if he tries to contact me at all he will be arrested (if the police can get hold of him), but this has no effect on him.

I hate this.

notnowbernard Thu 10-Jul-14 18:55:19

Call the ward to tell them, they'll need to know

AppleBoat Thu 10-Jul-14 19:22:35

I've phoned & told the ward.

Has anyone else been through anything like this?

I'm worried he might try and take my DC from school.

SilverStars Thu 10-Jul-14 19:50:58

Is it worth contacting the school and telling them that only you and whoever is on their lists can take the children. Maybe set up a password system like nurseries use - for your peace of mind?

notnowbernard Thu 10-Jul-14 20:13:54

The ward may now place further restrictions on his leave (if he's still detained under the mental health act), I'm really glad you called them as it will inform their opinion of how he is 'recovering' and what needs to happen with his treatment plan

Do you know if he has a diagnosis, or what he's being treated for?

Good idea about contacting the school as well. What about the police as well, if they have a previous record of this situation?

hashtagwhatever Thu 10-Jul-14 20:25:03

You poor thing.

Have you informed the police again?

AppleBoat Thu 10-Jul-14 20:49:37

Yes, have informed police....DH makes a statement to police every time "friend" does something. We felt we had to do this, in order for the mental health people to realise they really needed to help him. But also DH is scared for himself.

Friend is diagnosed with bi-polar, but it seems to be very extreme.

School have been told, and asked to dial 999 if he turns up at the school, but sometimes the grounds are easily accessible. We've now explained to the DC friend is ill, and they are never to go with him. That was really hard, as they know and love him like a family member. DS is going to high school in September. Would high school listen to my concerns? It seems improbable that friend would approach the DC, but he has done all sorts of weird things at all times of day and night, so I can't rule anything out.

In a way we are mourning losing a good friend. But on the other we would be happy never to see him again.

hashtagwhatever Thu 10-Jul-14 20:55:14

Will there be more restrictions on his leave now?

AppleBoat Thu 10-Jul-14 21:03:14

I don't know.

I just phoned the ward and told them he had left me a gift, and a note requesting me to contact him. The ward know the background. I would suspect he wouldn't have any more leave for a while, but I've no idea TBH.

WestmorlandSausage Thu 10-Jul-14 21:04:23

he is detained in hospital and is being given unescorted s.17 leave for up to 8 hrs a day, you have made complaints and contacted the police and this hasn't been reviewed AT ALL!?

Unbelievable. Not you OP, but a shocking indication of chronic underfunding in this country's mental health services.

Disgraceful. Not the presumably hugely understaffed ward but the current government for allowing Mental Health Services to become dangerously underfunded leading to inhumane treatment and possible risks to people with mental health issues and in a minority of circumstances the people they also affect in their local community IN A FUCKING DEVELOPED RICH COUNTRY

Shame on the people of country for not doing more to fight for decent mental health services and buying into the government myth that they are scoundrels, wasters and a burden on society.

The world judges a country on the way they treat their most vulnerable. The UK deserves that judgement.

AppleBoat Thu 10-Jul-14 21:32:02

I totally agree with you WestmorlandSausage.

What I have learned from this is that mental health services seem to be massively underfunded. When friend really needed to be helped, there was just no help, and the only people we could turn to was the police,who have been very good.

Of course our friend hasn't been able to work for years. His house is about to be repossessed. In a way I hope it is while he is in hospital, as he may get some help being housed when he leaves, rather than ending up on the streets. Is that wishful thinking?

notnowbernard Thu 10-Jul-14 21:55:51

They won't discharge him as NFA, especially if he has been detained (I really, really hope not anyway)

Do you know what section he's detained under? As this will determine the aftercare he receives (should do, anyway). Though as we all know mh services are in dire straits atm hmm

Mrsrochesterscat Thu 10-Jul-14 22:12:33

I am so sorry you are going through this.

In the short-term, the police can set up a panic room, CCTV and personal alarms (this was the case several years ago - cut-backs may have stopped this). They should also put a marker on your home - amongst other things, this means that a dropped 999 call will be answered immediately.

You can get a restraining order placed on him to include your children and their school - sometimes this is quicker of sought privately, but if you can't afford it the police can apply for this.

Medium-term, consider moving. This may sound drastic, but the impact on your health, and the health of your family will be huge. It is likely you won't realise the full impact until the danger has passed.

Long-term. Get counselling for all of you, particularly the children. My DDs are still suffering the after effects many years later - head this off at the pass and get them help before it impacts on their well-being. This, of everything, I feel is the most important thing you can do.

This might sound drastic, but Social Services may be t
he best help for you right now. Your children could well be in danger - SS is well placed to put in reports to his MH team and will be able to fast-track the emotional support you all need.

notnowbernard Thu 10-Jul-14 22:24:09

I think an important thing to try and hold onto is that if this man has a mental illness, there is hope that he will be able to return to a reasonable level of functioning again, with the right support and treatment

AppleBoat Thu 10-Jul-14 23:21:57

notnowbernard I think he was detained under a section 3, at the begining of June.
While there is hope he will be able to return to a reasonable level of functioning again with the right help, he will never be the person he once was. When he's medicated, he is mellow, and quiet and just a shaddow of his old self, when he was once such a vivacious person. He knows this, which is why he stops his medication.

Mrsrochesterscat we were considering CCTV before friend was sectioned, but decided with wasn't worth it. Other people with CCTV have had their tyres slashed by him, etc. Nothing will stop him when he's ill.

I was very told off by the police when I phoned 101, rather than 999 when he came to the house one morning, so I am confident they are taking it seriously.

Preciousbane Fri 11-Jul-14 10:44:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BexleyFemale777 Thu 17-Jul-14 12:41:17

re the conversations above

There is little doubt in my mind that the young man will end up in a medium secure hospital, drugged up with at least 4 medications that will be injected into him up to the maximum does his body can tolerate, (but experimented upon first). He will them lose his soul and his will to live. His will change in look as indeed his body. He will probably be encouraged to do unintelligent things like colour in a book or watch endless TV.

I am sorry for the lady who is fed up with him and his behaviour......but she can be assured that the above is what happens to people with in Oxleas NHS if that is his Mental Health team when police have been involved.

When Mental health Services know Police have got involved with an in or out patient, they just drug them up to the maximum dose their body can tolerate.

If the man was lovely vibrant man, but having bi-polar episodes he now will become due to drugs, nothing more than an empty soul.

What he does to the lady is/was wrong/.......but does that make it ok what the mental health services will be doing to him right?

Support and a listening ear with a quality of life (with some medication for his bi-polar) will help both the young lady and this poor chap have a life( seperate lives) they can live to the full.

I hope the young lady and her family can live a happier life when he is away from them. I hope he can too.

dontrunwithscissors Wed 23-Jul-14 12:47:47

I'm not sure that was a helpful post, bexley. The OP doesn't need a guilt trip. All I can see form her posts is compassion toward this man, but she has the right to demand that MH services act in ways that protect her and her family from his attention while he's ill. It's not her responsibility to oversee his treatment.

OP--has this improved at all?

AppleBoat Wed 30-Jul-14 11:47:00

BexleyFemale777, I'm well aware that our friend will be heavily medicated, and the effect it has on him. I've seen it before. Friend has now also been diagnosed with a personality disorder, which explains his behaviour somewhat. Things have gone way beyond "support and a listening ear"...DH has been supporting friend for years, and was his only friend left when everyone else had (understandably) turned away.

From what DH tells me from when he has previously visiting friend in hospital, nothing as exciting as colouring in is encouraged! sad DH was so shocked the first time he visited the hospital, he couldn't go back for quite sometime.
It's not a case of me being fed up of his behaviour, it's a case of being genuinely scared - at times physically shaking, and I'm not a nervous type of person. You probably need to know the details of what he's done to understand, but I'm not going to go into that on the internet.

The hospital are again considering 8 hours a day leave, but will take in to account what we have reported to the police, so although on the one hand I feel guilty about telling the police about every little thing, I'm pleased the hospital will be able to see the bigger picture.

StealthPolarBear Wed 30-Jul-14 11:53:32

Bexley what a strange post. Do you have any idea how old the op or the man are? I assume that's who you mean by young lady and young man!

AppleBoat Wed 30-Jul-14 12:05:49

We're all in our 40's lol! grin

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