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so this is long but pls help

(12 Posts)
lovehearts2 Sun 06-Jul-14 08:41:49

Ive been with my dh for 13.5 yrs and married for 13 months. Yesterday dh said he cant carry on with our relationship and want to seperate before the kids see the worse side of us. Our kids are 24m, 5 and 9. this talk we had yesterday but out of the blue and we've never day down and talked about problems....just now and again my dh text me saying he's fed up us arguing. my dh is a self employed window cleaner with a business partner who does nothing but lies and already stole money behind my dh's back at xmas time. My dh went looking for him to kill him, it been probs there for a v long time in the past 7 yrs. Loads of stuff had happened between them and he is on his very last warning. Money is a struggle. And my dh was bringing home the probs home with him to me and was always ranting on about him of what a dickhead but he wont get rid of him cos he is handy to have around when my dh forgets about a job!?? Wtf!! I said get rid of him he's like a child that u gotta watch him and the trust is gone completely. I can talk about between them two all day as the list is far too long but i hate his business partner as he's so lazy and my dh does (he said it himself) 85% of the work as he also foes paperwork etc where his business partner acted like an employee and turn up at work at whatever time he feels like dh waits for him 2 hrs every single morning. He did used to rant at him but now he can't be arse.

next...sorry this is v long. We've got married last year after 8 yrs engagement...i cant afford to go back to work till my youngest on school full time, we got married which it was lovely and it still is feels lovely to be married, he thought he had cancer 2 weeks before we got married, and kit carried on 4 months, he had blood in his wee and ended up having blood test and ultra sound done...nothing but he a very bad water infection which now cleared up after his 2nd tabs that were stronger than the first mind was all over the place and i couldn't move on.

a month after we got married, dh's dd age 15 turned up on our doorstep in tears saying that her mum kicked her out cos dd not getting on with her mums boyfriend that just moved in. DD was jealous of the boyfriend and is ignoring to this day. she doesn't talk to me much now and i thought she's a 15 yrs old who wants her space..and she is a private person as she never talks about her home life when we always asked her about it, she just clamed up. But she wasn't telling us the probs till everything is up in the air. We've asked her if everything is ok at home and she just said yes..but really its no but wouldn't talk to us. Now another 2 times her mum had a fall out with her and she be asking if she can come here for a while. Last time she was on the phone saying her mum wont let her to revise her mates house when she was revising for her exams. I said we do t know why her mum said no but dh said COs she is controlling her all the time. when she comes here on fridays, she's either ok or in tears, but wont talk. On Saturdays my dh works till 1pm to catch up and then dsd had been in the bedroom all morning revising. Ive asked everything ok and she looks cheerful and say like yeh just got loads to revise and i leave her there to revise but she was avoiding me the whole time and now in the blame COs she doesn't want to come here anymore COs it been like this since we got married her mum said!.... Why didn't her mum say something?? so dh is devastated now as his dd blanked him 2 wks ago. everyone is saying its that age, its hard and she will be ok...i think it more to it at home as i hardly get two words out of her me thinking oh she prob doesn't wants to talk to me and i fo have drag the conversation out of her which it always been like this. I never get a flowing convo out of her in 13 yrs. I really miss her to be here. And dh is just blocking me out too.

we sort of had a talk yesterday, he wouldn't tell me what were the probs as we've never sat down and talk about any probs we've had and from him it was just simple that he's tired and cant carry on and doesn't wants to talk about it but talk about the house to get it up for sale. Yes we have been arguing for the since September ish about his business partner and how he's coming home snapping at all of us and i snap back which I'm not good if he's stressed then so am i. we've stopped arguing 2 months ago now cos he stopped talking about his business partner but he said to me yesterday that he got to bite his tongue not to talk about it as he's saying its nothing to do with his business partner of we are arguing!???!!!! Money is very tight and we have watch our money...doesnt help now he been gambling for four months but he said i dont want to go down the blame route about it.....well who's the blame then!??

he got his faults and I've got mine but he did mentioned he thinks ive hot post natal depression since my 2nd child and gone worse after my 3rd child. Ive never really thought about it as i don't really cry and i live beu g with my kids and dp and sds but I'm soo moody, snappy, not sleeping COs he's not in our bed for months and wont sits with me in the l room COs he playing on the computer games in the evening.

i said to him that he's not being fair on me as he wasn't telling me now he told me 2 things but it just little things and no major thing.

i told him that yeh i dont back him up over the kids (over silly things) like shoes are too big on my eldest dd and she fell over, he went mad at me over the text cos he already asked her to change her shoes! she learnt from it but my dh wont do that.

i really love him and he is a brilliant dad, but i did say i felt like our marriage been sidetracked with all these probs been going on and now he not taking his dd blanking him out v well as he's devastated.

his dd wont come down here to sort out the problem and we still don't know what it is. Maybe it is my fault of not spending time with her but my dh is always working on Saturdays and as soon he comes home she comes downstairs to be with him. Ive told him that she been upstairs all morning. Ive asked her is everything ok as she feels left out in the family which it was out of the blue as she was having probs at home....dh told dsd's mum about her being thrown out and she said that's not true as she gave her an option if she is leaving the house then she is leaving. Her mum never rang her once in 2 weeks she was here till we mentioned that were stopping the money and dsd is gonna come and live with us. Dsd went home the next day.

i said to dh why did u not tell me u was feeling this way with me and we couldve of sort it out...he said he tried to sort it out in his head!??.... But not involving me!?? He's not making any sense....and my mum and my oldest friend even said that too.

I'm at my mums whilst dh at home with the kids... I said ill be home later and my mum will have the kids whilst we talk...he said he doesn't to repeat yesterdays talk but want to talk about what happens next. I font wanna talk about what happens next i wanna talk about us and he just throwing all away without giving us a chance.

we went away for our anniversary about a month ago just me and him, first time in 9 yrs without kids staying somewhere else (it wad so lovely) as it was so relaxing and he was the man i know. it was great and we shared the same bed but got home and he sleeping downstairs again!? Saying he was hot which it was.

he doesn't want to go to a marriage counselling COs he will have to change which he shouldn't have to change for me and vice versa but i will have to change which i know i do as I'm moody.

please please try and help me cos i don't want to lose him and my feelings are still so strong for him.

please fire away any questions.

ive changed my name

Snog Sun 06-Jul-14 09:10:08

Could you get some personal counselling as support for you at this difficult time?

JaneParker Sun 06-Jul-14 09:59:59

It sounds very difficult. I wonder if you could get a part time job and whilst you are doing it your husband who is a self employed window cleaner could mind the children? That might give you more interests (work) and more money coming into the family.

lovehearts2 Sun 06-Jul-14 10:46:42


lovehearts2 Sun 06-Jul-14 12:17:43

I would have to get a cash in hand job as i cant afford to go back part time so it have to be full time and ill have at the end of the month..ill be working for nothing. The wage that my dh is on with his business partner is a 1 and a half mans wage. Im relying heavily on the working tax etc....ive checked it all to see if I'm getting the full benefits.

I'm gonna find out if i do have postnatal depression or just depression as i can never shift this down feel for a long time. Ill do anything to make myself better and also try and get this family back on track inc his dd

lovehearts2 Sun 06-Jul-14 12:51:36

I'm seeing my dh in an hour. he did say that he wont change for me which i have never had even though he's so untidy! And he said i font want you to change for me but if you wants this to work, you need to change yourself which i know but i asked if he would go counselling COs he's depressed which he point blank said i am not depressed.

ive been with this man for over 13 yrs to know if he's depressed or not. he said to me 2 wks ago that his dd is burying her head and wont talk about the problem to us but we gotta solve it ourselves but we don't know what is the problem!? My dh said " she gotta take after me as i used to be like that too. Burying ya head and don't talk..... He's doing it now!!!

SilverStars Sun 06-Jul-14 18:00:49

Hi sorry to hear of your struggles. Seeing a dr is a great idea. If your youngest child is 24 months they do not tend to diagnose pnd - even if it starts after birth of a child, if symptoms continue dh's tend to diagnose depression. Or anxiety or whatever they feel is the correct diagnosis.

I hope you can tell the dr all you posted here, about family issues and money stresses as the more you can tell them the more they can offer appropriate help.

Work wise would you qualify for 2yr old funding for a nursery? It depends on income. That may help.

lovehearts2 Sun 06-Jul-14 21:53:11

Yes I'm gonna ring my health visitor tmrw about my son to go into nursery. How do i know i qualify? And also about what's all going on. You see with the doctors they have a 10 mins window for each patient. Hv will listen longer, is that right?

we've talked calmly this time and he did agreed with most stuff i said but he is worn down and cant carry on. I said yes at this right now you cant but I'm gonna see as i know ive been henpecking him and i think were both depressed but he said I'm not. But he is cos he burying his head about the probs at work. I'm carrying him and looks like he given up everything. He stopped talking about his business partner for 7 - 8 wks and everything been calmer but the probs are still there. I said i care about u and youre not you since you went out to kick his head in but couldn't find him. He's not a violent person but it takes alot to see him blow up

SilverStars Sun 06-Jul-14 23:38:25

Hi a HV is a great place to start as yes they have much more time. Then if they suggest seeing a Gp they may suggest how to use the appointment. And may have other practical suggestions!

Free funding for nursery ( some childminders are also registered to accept it but not many) is dependent on income. Why not ask the HV how to find out etc. they may be able to recommend ones where you live as well. When your youngest is 3yrs old all children are eligible for 15hrs funding a week in term time ( can use for private day nursery or pre-schools and some childminders). That may help you return to work hopefully.

Hope you have a useful chat with her.

lovehearts2 Mon 07-Jul-14 00:15:55

Thank you silver, Jane and snog. I really appreciate u helping me out.

lovehearts2 Mon 07-Jul-14 00:20:48

Do i have to book an appointment to see my health visitor? As i don't know who she is as my old hv left and she did sent me a letter saying this is your new hv

SilverStars Mon 07-Jul-14 17:47:01

if your hv does a regular weigh in session and you know where that is you can drop in and say you would like to book a slot to speak to her. Or often easiest to ring their number and ask them to ring you back - as they are not usually there!! and then say you would like to see them in person and they should book a time and place for you both.

It depends where your hv is based. Children's centres are often a good place of support - but mine is only there one hour a week;

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