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you really are confused?!

(21 Posts)
mouses Sat 05-Jul-14 23:58:58

Is the words my best and only friend said to me tonight. we had a heart to heart about the way I am. we both cried. she is the only person who understands me and shes right.
she said shes only got to know me tonight in all the years she's known me?

Im so messed up im unfixable! we talked about my obsessions with animals, how I cant cope with my dc's and the ds's should live with their father. how it would affect the ds's and dd. how they need help - how I need help! that I have no real emotions for anything and wish any thing that stresses me dead! yeah lovely aint I!

this wont mean no sense to anyone, but I just need to write it down. maybe to read it back and realise what I really am!

DaddyBeer Sun 06-Jul-14 01:04:33

Mouses do you feel detached from everything that you do?

mouses Sun 06-Jul-14 09:36:21

daddybeer not quite sure what you mean? ive got no true emotions for any thing.

DaddyBeer Sun 06-Jul-14 12:25:53

You will have emotions, but you might be depressed or anxious and a bit detached from them. You won't be unfixable though.

It would be a good idea to speak to your GP, if you haven't already, to find someone to talk to who can help. Maybe take your friend with you?

mouses Sun 06-Jul-14 12:57:22

I have, im with a psychologist / counsellor once a week. psychiatrist reckons emotionally unstable with psychosis, although I do suffer from depression & anxiety.

it will be too late before I can be fixed. dc's will have been given up before i realise what I done.

DaddyBeer Mon 07-Jul-14 07:18:49

And you don't feel the person you're seeing is helpful? Or do I have that wrong?

This might sound like a silly question, but what it is you think you need but aren't getting at the moment?

mouses Mon 07-Jul-14 08:41:11

not really, she just tells me what I already know. how the cycle of depression works, thought, behaviour etc... then im being too hard on myself an im a good mum etc... nothing that is actually helping me change my way of thinking?

I wish I knew what I needed. I need to control my mood swings, I need to control my spending. how I don't know? tried quetiapine for mood stabiliser but had a bad reaction. im grateful for the help, don't want to sound that im not, its just me. no ones problem but my own so I cant complain.

loopylady83 Mon 07-Jul-14 09:00:32

are you on any medication that could cause you to feel like this? im epileptic and suffered bad from mood swings I mentioned this to my neurologist basically the two sets of tablets I was taking wasn't balanced out properly, they upped the dosage of one and now my mood swings have stopped, my epilepsy tablets are also used for people with bipolar, please go back to the drs before you think of doing something drastic

LastingLight Mon 07-Jul-14 10:35:31

((HUGS)) This is not the real you, this is your illness. What meds are you on? Loopylady is right, some meds can cause this lack of emotion. Can your ds's temporarily live with their dad, just to take the pressure off you for a while?

mouses Mon 07-Jul-14 10:41:05

loopy, I was on fluoxetine for 3yrs, ive been on dosulepin for a week now. nothing makes a difference just makes me tired and lifeless.

i went back to my gp to say nothing is working, i was told theres no magic pill, only i can make myself better (probably true)

in the gp's words i was told ... ''go and sit in a cancer ward for the day and see what people there are going through!''

i know im lucky i haven't got cancer or terminal illness - BUT everyday is a struggle for me to fight the thought of giving up. and yes it is an insult to those who don't have a choice, still if i could wake up one day 'normal' i would jump at the chance. my kids could have a mum that can show emotion, function properly not crack up on the slightest hint of stress.

mouses Mon 07-Jul-14 10:43:26

lasting, sorry was typing missed your post.

no, their dad wouldn't give them back once he has them. he would possibly use my illness against me. also he only rents a room at a friends house so doesn't currently have some where to keep the ds's.

LastingLight Mon 07-Jul-14 10:45:00

I can't believe your gp, that is utterly unprofessional and so not true! You are ill, and what is the point of comparing one illness with another? I'm so angry for you right now. Fluoxetine made a friend of mine feel emotionless as well. Who prescribed the dosulepin, gp or psychiatrist? I don't understand why they didn't try you on a different mood stabiliser.

mouses Mon 07-Jul-14 10:58:41

they wouldn't change my meds from fluoxetine until id seen the psychiatrist (which was nov/dec 2013) waited atleast 1yr to get the appointment - was told he would up it. so i refused to continue on those meds.

after quetiapine (prescribed by psych) didn't help, i went back to gp who prescribed dosulepin. which is currently making me tired, dazed and slight confused so i have to concentrate harder to do something, big head aches and nightmares or bad dreams.

loopylady83 Mon 07-Jul-14 11:18:33

maybe the dozage is too high :/ just a thought... im no expert but been through alot ive learnt alot through researching stuff myself. my drs are shite after 15years of having a f##ked up head finally im seeing someone in September and hoping they'll diagnose me with something.... sounds daft me saying hoping I'll be diagnosed but 15 years of feeling the way ive felt (self harming, suicide attempts, drug abuse etc.) a diagnosis would be amazing. I really hope you get somewhere its horrible feeling the way you do and nobody helping you x

mouses Mon 07-Jul-14 11:52:59

for which pill? quetiapine was 25mg and the dosulepin is 25mg twice a day, so 50mg - although i started just one a day and only yesterday i took the two.

i totally understand when you say 'hoping for a diagnosis' ive had a weird look when ive said that... as if im hoping for the worst? NO! just that if i have the right diagnosis i will receive the right help which i don't think i am.
since admitting i need help 5yrs ago (to suffered since childhood) ive been told that its just depression, clinical depression? bi-polar, emotionally unstable, depression with anxiety and psychosis....

it is horrible as im crying out for help, for the sake of the kids. although im surrounded by health professionals i feel no closer to better health?

mouses Mon 07-Jul-14 12:17:42

oh they even tested me for addisons disease?

i know im not right and i know i cant just 'think' or 'act' myself better.
i do hope i might come across someone who will listen and be of help.

loopylady83 Mon 07-Jul-14 13:43:45

know exactly how you feel sad

loopylady83 Mon 07-Jul-14 13:44:02

sending ((hugs))

DaddyBeer Mon 07-Jul-14 18:13:11

mouses it sounds like you need someone who knows a bit about mental health to offer you some guidance and. MIND offer an advocacy service, here's a link to their page.

Having someone on your side can make a big difference.

mouses Tue 08-Jul-14 09:42:32

I see my psychiatrist at the local mind centre, im seeing him on 17th so will enquire about it.

DaddyBeer Tue 08-Jul-14 23:01:59

I'm glad to hear that.

I took my DP in with me to see my GP a couple of times because she was so pissed off on my behalf at the shitty service I was getting. She kicked his ass! It took me ages to let her though because I found it really difficult to see the wood for the trees. It's not easy if you're feeling low to believe you're worth more than just being fobbed off with no clear diagnosis, and then to actually fight for that yourself.

Backup is a good thing.

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