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(9 Posts)
cafesociety Thu 08-May-14 10:47:20

My first time on this topic. I have a grown family now all too busy to bother with me, and few [not close] friends but we are all getting older.
Friends have family who bother with them, and have other friends and/or have a partner.
I do not have holidays as no one to go with and just don't fancy it on my own although capable of doing it. I just have to hear about other peoples holidays.

I have health problems and awful insomnia so my life is erratic and I'm unreliable at times.
So life is one long struggle....trying to feel well, trying to get company without bothering people too much. It leaves days and days on my own [retired] although I have interests and always got something to do/places to go [always on my own].

My background is I wasn't wanted as a child and made to feel 'in the way' and a blessed nuisance, who couldn't do anything right and therefore have little confidence and low self esteem. I am no good socially, don't like social occasions and big groups as I feel left out and inadequate. I've been emotionally abused by my mother, sexually abused by my real father, emotionally and financially abused by my ex husband.

I've sought help before during a 10 year period via CBT, counselling, AD's, Samaritans, support groups, courses etc none of which has altered my ability to make or keep friends or solved the loneliness despite trying various social groups...always left out, not included and watch/hear others arranging to meet up and do things together.

I've had brushes with GP's in that I've been treated with rudeness and indifference when in trouble and do not ever want to use AD's again. I've come to the end of the road now. Older, even more health issues, unbearable loneliness.....and only more of the same in front of me. Now have a neighbour problem and one friend wants to see less of me due to a crisis of her own.

I keep having suicidal thoughts, I cant live like this, fear illness, nothing to look forward to, want it to stop, want to be happy, want to escape....I just keep thinking about it and wondering which is the best way. I can honestly not see anything getting better now.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Thu 08-May-14 11:58:27

Hi cafe, I read your post and hoped someone more helpful would put in a post first, but I couldn't let you go unanswered.
I can identify with a lot of your experiences to try to help yourself, and the ideation, and how being isolated seems to become logical because of the unremitting grind of being on the outside, factor in neighbour relations and it will bring everything to a head.
You sound like you have tried so much,and to no avail. i get it. But you know you are worth more than giving up.

Loneliness is beginning to be seen as an epidemic in this country amongst every type of person. It is not a failure, we need to change society for all our sakes.
I wonder if you have checked out the new website started by Ester Ransom? Its called Silverline and attempts to reach out to older people.
People I guess who were brought up to be stoic and self reliant but need to reconnect with people.
You sound like you have a lot still to give back to society, you "just" need help to connect. I was looking at another thread,today asking how many friends people have. Big surprise, the general answer was "normal"people had very few. Everyone is in the same boat!
Please don't give up. You are worth so much.

cafesociety Thu 08-May-14 12:32:21

mayihaveaboxofchoulaitsthank you for your reply. It means a lot that someone 'gets it', it really does.
It is indeed a logical step to want to escape when everything does not seem to improve but is deteriorating.
Always on the outside, always on my own. no one interested. I have to visit others, or I would not see anyone. Sometimes I'm too exhausted. I have very little support which is the major problem.

I have indeed tried everything I can think of, the trite solutions of the Samaritans [join a knitting circle, see GP....errr done that many many times] actually make me worse.

I've tried being brave and self contained, relying on no one...eventually I break and humiliate myself going to someone in desperation. And they don't understand anyway, so I've given myself another problem and bad memory.

I only identify with 'broken' people, and see myself as weaker than others. I have a stress problem and struggle...I just see others coping with whatever life throws at them, as they have people to talk to who are there for them.

I do however intend to contact Esthers Silverline to see if they can offer any help or advice. So thank you for that, I had forgotten about it. Only older people understand the aging process and the problems it brings.

Another blow is that my grandson 15, who I thought I was close to hardly even acknowledges my presence when I visit to the point of rudeness. He is growing up, no times for older people, natural of course but very hurtful. I don't know where the lovely gentle kind polite loving boy has gone and have no idea how to get him back.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Thu 08-May-14 13:09:02

Hello cafe, you mention "where the lovely gentle kind polite boy has gone",
unfortunately he's entered the adolescent reaction to the family familiarity phase, he'll grow out of it , and if its any consolation he will be mortified when he looks back at what a pain he was!
I share your frustration with the same old ,same old stuff coming from people who you look to for help. My cbt woman, was more like a model for m&s, and scribbled down the suggestions I made which might help her other client . She got some good ideas re clubs and social events and I got hand outs. Not much of a trade off!
One thing you mention is that you only identify with broken people, you sound lovely and empathetic, however, have you considered that maybe you are still dealing with your unhappiness, which you are trying to reduce by not dealing with it. cbt, knitting circles and ads might help a little but maybe proper psych therapy(not counselling)might help more.
Go back to your docs (as well as esther)and get him to take you

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Thu 08-May-14 13:15:48

I do realise that you have been actively working through this for 10 years, sorry it might have sounded like this was aa original suggestion.

cafesociety Thu 08-May-14 13:42:03

mayi in my experience there was more care years ago than now [I first asked for help in the 90's]. Now I just get referred to positive steps courses where the progress is agonisingly slow, I've had to miss classes due to being unwell, there is always one attention seeker who disrupts the class, and everyone seems to connect with someone within the group...and I leave feeling even more isolated and unable to connect with anyone.

I appreciate your input today. Thank you. You CBT lady sounds like a psychotherapist I had who was in a new outfit each week! The sessions seemed to make her feel fairness she helped in that she got my problems and knew how I had struggled/was struggling. But she had no control over how other people behaved towards me as they did not follow the text book script! I had to leave her as I moved house, and has not had anything so useful since.

I wish you a good day mayi, knowing you have helped another human being today thanks

Snog Thu 08-May-14 22:21:36

I am so sorry to hear how difficult your childhood was and how this has impacted on your life. Some of the solace I personally have found has come from nature and also the practice of mindfulness. I also think that the right counselor can be a godsend. Bad stuff happens to the loveliest of people but tomorrow is always a new day. Do you have a pet OP? My rescue kitty brings a lot of love to my life xx

cafesociety Thu 08-May-14 22:52:33

Snog somehow I have lost the joy of life, I usually love the countryside, trees, flowers.....too wrapped up trying to stay well and trying to sleep, just so tired of struggling. Add the loneliness on top and seeing people all weekend in couples, people with friends/families, hand in hand etc. when I hadn't spoken to anyone for days just gets to be the last straw.

I have no pet. I love dogs and have had dogs before, however I had to give up the last one due to health and other problems and do not want to fail again. Maybe I should start to consider it though.

I am also thinking of moving house now [today]. Maybe I've been here too long and time for a change....something has to change.

I hope I can turn a corner somehow and get my old self back, feel so weighed down. Thanks for your input.

Toastqueen Thu 08-May-14 23:46:44

Hi cafe society

I imagine you to be about my mothers age (or thereabouts), I have no real insight but maybe something to consider

You mention you had dogs, gave one up due to ill health.

Have you considered fostering pets? Not sure where you live but I'm in scotland and took this up last year to help my daughter who suffers from depression. It was a lifeline for her and we went on to get our own dog as a result. Relationships were forged as a result of looking after someone else's pet in a time of crisis (sometimes short period, sometimes longer) and there is a variety that can come your way! You aren't committed to saying yes every time - I think it is the blue cross who runs this service in England. When she was very low they were company, for me it gave me the excuse to get out and I found a whole dog walking fraternity (made friends as a result) that I never knew existed but eased my stress and sadness with her situation and as an extra bonus we were really making a difference to another human being who in their crisis were worried about their pet

Just a suggestion. I wish you well x

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