Having a bit of a bad day...

[Katkins1]

Just that really. Final year assignments are due very soon, and I'm feeling really, really low. Have been for a while. I hope I make it to graduation, but not sure I will. Have been crying on and off all weekend. Just to want to sleep, but am working on a presentation and trying to fight it.

It's so hard.

[SnowyMouse]

You can do it, Katkins!

[UncrushedParsley]

It's hell isn't it. The only way I survived was doing a lot more excercise to counteract the stress a bit. My reaction to stress has always been to want to sleep until it's all over.

[Katkins1]

Presentation due next Tuesday (13th), viva 15th and dissertation 29th. No idea how I'm going to do it

[UncrushedParsley]

Can you sit with your diary and do a realistic timetable? Damage limitation excercise maybe?

[UncrushedParsley]

Sorry, not trying to state the obvious Just aware its very easy to flap and panic and waste time doing that....

[Katkins1]

He he :D Yes, another activity to take time away from doing the tasks! I don't think I'm that far off finished, just tired and fed up because I've managed to fall out with a group of people in my class (long story) and I feel awful. My confidence is at all time low now, so it's much harder to get the work done.

[UncrushedParsley]

Do you do yoga or anything? Might really help you a focus... I think its worth scheduled time out for stuff, if it helps you focus better/be more productive. Kind of an hours really focused work is better than two hours flappy panic work :)

[UncrushedParsley]

Ok, have got to go to bed now old and knd Good luck. And get off MN for a bit. It's not getting the job done! :)

[Katkins1]

It is I agree there :) I don't, I'm a single mum, f/t student though I was thinking of doing something like that when I finish. I might go to bed in a little bit and attempt the presentation again in the morning.. I have put together the outline, done the work I'm presenting and the reading, so it's just a case of going to the library/ staying at home with DD tomorrow and filling in the blanks. I'll have to push myself and impose a time limit to get everything into the presentation tomorrow, and then tidy it up the day after before rehearsing it over the weekend. Just cutting it fine is all, and I hope the timings aren't out too. I just had a real confidence knock, having an argument. It doesn't take much, but it was all centred on an extension for a piece of work I have and they don't (because of my depression). I spent the whole weekend crying and feeling worthless. Really unwanted and not welcome in the class.

[UncrushedParsley]

I was fortunate that I did my degree pre-family. I was still old, but it did mean I could pull an all-nighter with a deadline I had ignored 'til the last minute. With hindsight I really admired people who did it with kids. Generally, they were much better organised, because I suppose they never knew when a child would be ill, and throw the timetable out. I think if you haven't got children, you don't 'get' it. In about ten years they might have a bit more sympathy . I would try not to focus on this at the moment, it isn't doing you any good, but you know that. Try to focus on the main tasks, maybe build in some treats every day...nice bath, half an hour with a book, etc. You can always come back to the other stuff later.

[Katkins1]

Yeah, it is hard. Part of my issue is that I've been accepted on to a PhD after, so I'm a) really anxious and b) a bit bored of undergrad work, which means I don't try to do my best any more Not in an arrogant way, I just find it hard to be interested sometimes. My friend says she has the same problem every time that she looks at her dissertation.. I feel that way, you get to a point where it just needs to be done!

I got most of my presentation done, tutor is looking over for me so I can prepare my notes. It wasn't that hard by the end- just a bibliography and bits and pieces to add to it now.

I need to look for a p/t job for when I graduate soon, too. Plus, I think, therapy, as I find everything overwhelming at the moment. I'm going to need that, I think.

[UncrushedParsley]

True fact that a lot of the work is a bit boring. Once you start doing stuff in depth, you often get past the really interesting stuff...sounds like the presentation is ok. Has today been productive for you?

[Katkins1]

Thanks for replying. I met my dissertation supervisor, and we made some headway with the writing. Conclusion and re-drafts to do now, lots and lots of re-drafting (and referencing). I was up until 4am working on it, then up at 7am, so maybe some sleep will be useful then I can write my conclusion tomorrow. Wasn't particularly productive, as I was so tired.

[UncrushedParsley]

Sounds quite procuctive written down. Stop beating yourself up? Any better today?

[Katkins1]

A bit - got some work done on dissertation, but nowhere near enough and still not prepared enough for presentation (need to add bits, go through, bibliography and print the work to go with it all by Tuesday..worried!).

Everyone submitted their dissertations today and I didn't, which is heartbreaking because now I feel as though I don't deserve my degree, everyone else is saying how hard they have worked and so on. I don't think anyone 'gets it' that depression is a physical pain that comes in waves. I have been fighting the urge to self-harm/ suicidal thoughts this evening and everything just feels.. hopeless. I think it's down to hormones, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I will get on with more dissertation work in a bit.

[UncrushedParsley]

Cup of coffee, do some more. Stop with the self-flagellation, tho' I realise that may be linked to the depression. Have you a friend you can phone for a bit? x

[Finola1step]

Katkins let me get this right. You are a single parent, finishing your degree, you've got a PhD acceptance and you have done all this while battling depression?

If I have read this right, you are a flipping marvel, my dear. I can really appreciate how the fog of depression stops you from seeing this (the fog I am all too familiar with). I find that when I am at my lowest, I simply do not see what others see.

But take it from me, you are marvellous, simply marvellous. If you were my friend, I would be so proud of you. So sod the friends on your course. You got an extension, so what? None of their damned business. I would like to see them get up day after day when your body screams "NO!"

Keep your chin up. Try to sleep, eat at decent times. Get out in the sunshine as much as possible. The dissertation and presentation will get done. I wish you all the very best.

[Katkins1]

Thank you. Another friend of mine has an extension, but has rather craftily posted on face book that she is writing her acknowledgements, and is therefore receiving much praise from our peers.She's the same as me, however, still writing it.

Funny how some people are eh? After seeing me get slated for taking an extra 3 weeks, I suppose that she didn't want the same.

I've got a job as well, Finola (!),meeting at 10am tomorrow, but no idea how long I will be up until tonight because I want to re-draft at least the first chapter. Still have a conclusion to write too. I have spoken to a friend on facebook earlier, Parsley.

[UncrushedParsley]

Some people don't like to raise their heads above the parapet Says more about her than you IMHO. Keep talking to your friends, and build in treats when you can. Are you being too perfectionist about your work Kat? Sometimes you can do stuff, and see room for improvement every time you look at it again. Gotta leave it alone at some point!

[Katkins1]

She asked me for help after , as well said her research was out of date. I feel for her, and usually help but I can't now because I have so much of my own. Not perfectionist, I don't think, it just isn't ready and is due May 29th (well, 28th really). I haven't even written my conclusion yet. I don't know how I managed to get so far behind- though my tutor did say she is pushing me quite hard, and she knows this! Hopefully my presentation will be finished tonight that's still not done and is getting to me now (due Tuesday, too).

I think I'm slowly loosing heart with the marks and everything now it's just becoming unbearable, and I no longer care what it gets. I just want it done and out of my sight.

[Katkins1]

I have to admit I do feel really poorly now, though. I cry every time I look at my dissertation and spent a good part of this morning heaving and trying to stop myself from throwing up.

[UncrushedParsley]

I hope you feel better soon Have you got any breathing excercises you can do? x

[Katkins1]

He he (real advice). I solved it by ordering a take away and cracking on with this presentation/ project. A late night sorting and referencing, printing in morning and one should be done.

Until I need to rehearse the presentation that is...