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What to do now

(55 Posts)
violetsrblue Sat 03-May-14 06:16:00

Just posting here for advice and information. My son (39) split up from his partner nearly 2 weeks ago. They have 2 young children. He was drinking heavily and went into hospital for detox, coming out 4 days ago.

I have been staying in a hotel room with him since he left his family home. I am hundreds of miles away from my own home, but I don't want to leave him on his own, his mental and physical state is fragile.

He has been going out and walking around on his own in the afternoon/evening/night. He says he meets up with people. I don't believe he is drinking (yet). He has been coming back to the room around 3 am, though the first night was 6 am.

My concern is for him as a vulnerable adult. He stills looks and is, in a bad way mentally and physically.

I understand he is an adult and I can't control his choices.

At 5 a.m. today I phoned the police for advice and they will look for him, as a missing person, and/or vulnerable adult I think. They mentioned adult social services, but I don't know what to say if I contact them.

I have been trying to persuade him to travel back to my place with me and stay for a couple of weeks, but he doesn't want to be so far away from his children (who he has seen twice since it happened).
Sorry this is so long and thanks to anyone reading this, feeling increasingly worried about him, and also myself (I have some mh issues).

OurMiracle1106 Fri 09-May-14 12:22:17

Im really sorry you are going through this. My now ex husband was a alcoholic and cocaine addict (violent with it) and I learnt the hard way that the person you are trying to help has to actually want the help. Otherwise they only ever go back to what they were doing. I took my ex doctors therapist psychiatrists, mental health,support services, moved miles away. He didn't want to stop and no amount of begging or pleading was going to get him to

violetsrblue Fri 09-May-14 15:20:15

Thank you OurMiracle, I really appreciate you replying. I feel caught up in the drama again today, since I posted. I spoke to him and ended calling the police and they're going to check on him. I'm just waiting to hear back from them.

I don't know after that. I think I will go back up there tomorrow. I know it's awful but I don't know what else to do. I'm holding out hope that he will go back into hospital for a few days.

violetsrblue Fri 09-May-14 20:22:17

Ok I am going to calm the hell down a bit and stop dwelling on myself and doubting myself.

I'm going to go back up on Sunday and see if he will come back with me for a while.

I've asked my sister my come up and take my place if I need a break.

I'm not going to go and see his partner on Monday, I need to keep very calm and level headed, and just focus on him.

I have been in contact with him today, and he sounds ok tonight.

I think he gets that he needs to answer the phone. But who knows.

AgentZigzag Fri 09-May-14 22:18:11

That is definitely a more positive post violets (not that there's anything wrong with your other posts!)

Although it's not for the same reasons as you, I know what you mean about not trusting how you read yourself/situations (and other people as well for me). I really struggle with it all and try not to have any contact with anyone else as it's so stressful.

But realistically, most parents (if not all, at some point) try to work out how they're measuring up as a parent, and all you have to go on is what you've experienced yourself and what other people can tell you about their experiences.

The basic things I personally feel go towards making a good parent are a lot of the things you've mentioned feeling about/have done for your DS. But the added complication of MH problems means you have to take those problems into account when you're reckoning up how you're faring as a Mum. If you think that people without MH probs still worry and make mistakes, then you've done/are doing a cracking job with your DS.

You really don't want to go to wherever he is again, but you're going to do it because he's your DS, that speaks volumes smile

violetsrblue Sat 10-May-14 15:31:54

Thanks Agent Zigzag, for your lovely kind and helpful post. It was so strengthening and validating to read. I think you're right about taking what I need from the sister, and about how to take the mh problems into account when I think about myself.

He is answering the phone today, but I suspect that is more because I called the police yesterday when he didn't pick up, and he wants to avoid that.

Feel a bit down about it today, it's just so sad that he's doing this to himself, and his children. Had brief contact with his ex, and that kind of drives it home.

AgentZigzag Sat 10-May-14 19:19:21

Has he had any 'episodes' like this before? If he has, have they burnt out after a certain amount of time? I'm just wondering whether he gets to a point when he's had a blow out where he gradually starts to take stock of what he's been up to before trying to sort things out.

You're very kind saying thank you and that, but I'm really only posting guff what I make of your posts at face value, I don't have any qualifications or experience with alcoholism (as such), so don't feel you have to take on board anything I've said or owt. (which is really me saying I don't want to make your situation any worse because I'm just making up what I'm saying as I go along grin 'official advice' on the subject would be totally different)

violetsrblue Mon 12-May-14 18:43:49

Hee hee! yes I understand what you're saying AgentZigzag, sorry if I got a bit ott there! I went to an alcohol services centre today up here where he is staying and they were pretty helpful.

Completely lost it when I got to the hotel room where he was yesterday, just so shocked at the mess. Threw things around, locked myself in the hotel bathroom and screamed my head off. We both ended up doing a lot of crying, but kind of seperately. Then I cleaned it up. Have at least got my own room for 2 nights.

Not my fnest hour but hey.

Taking valium today and that is really helping me to detach. I can't support him if I'm too emotional.

Going to try harder not to be an an enabler.

violetsrblue Mon 12-May-14 18:45:29

Have also suggested to my sister that she doesn't give him any more money.

AgentZigzag Wed 14-May-14 23:45:01

If you can't have a scream in a hotel bathroom then where can you let it out eh?!

How's your week going?

violetsrblue Thu 15-May-14 16:33:29

Exactly! And they've been so nice to us in that hotel! I'm doing a lot better now because I'm back at home and DS is with me, so I can at least keep an eye on him and be in my own space. It was a bit hairy doing the train journey with him. Feel a bit wired but guess that is shock!

AgentZigzag Thu 15-May-14 23:59:09

That's brilliant smile

I know it's not the answer to Life/Universe/Everything, but it's a start having him where you can get in contact just by looking over at where he's sat!

How's he doing? Do you think he'll stay with you until he can sort his head a bit more?

violetsrblue Fri 16-May-14 17:12:14

It's amazing having him with me. It's so, so much better than it was. He can stay with me as long as he needs to. Went to register him with a GP today. He is still drinking but about half of what he was. The GP is going to refer him on to services. smile

AgentZigzag Fri 16-May-14 20:10:34

Awww smile smile smile

That's really good news, you sound so much happier.

He just needs his mum.

violetsrblue Sun 18-May-14 18:55:56

Yes, I am much happier,'s a bit heavy. He is so depressed, and now becoming isolated. I lead a very quiet and solitary life normally, and manage stress that way. Now I feel guilty again, this time that it's too quiet, and I'm worried we're going to bring each other down. I can feel myself disappearing a bit.

violetsrblue Mon 19-May-14 21:42:36

Today is better. I'm getting my head around what's on offer to help with this, and have seen a gp for myself today.

We're getting into a kind of routine and DS does seem a bit more calm.

He is still drinking but is med-compliant with everything he is supposed to be on.

AgentZigzag Tue 20-May-14 00:01:33

It's bound to be a bit strained to start with if you're used to living on your own (with DDog of course).

You want him to be with you so you know he's safe, but at the same time you've kind of got no control over the situation (even if you did drag ask him to come back with you), that's going to be tough on anyone.

What's he like when he's had a few drinks? Hopefully not the kind to kick off at you or anything.

violetsrblue Tue 20-May-14 19:24:01

No, he doesn't kick off at me. He's generally quite chatty and cheerful when he's drunk, and can be quite good company. But also when he's 'rattling' as he calls it, he is very anxious, tearful, gloomy, agitated, and it goes on and on.

Every evening he goes out and drinks. He also has a half bottle of vodka a day in the afternoon (so at least 30 units daily).

It's grim but I don't feel it's as grim as it was, by a long way.

He's gone into a kind of scared/terrified state, maybe PTSD I think.

He's in the system now but it takes about 21 days to be seen.

I really wanted to go to an Al-Anon meeting today but it's in the next town, and he was freaking out about being on his own, so I didn't go.

The whole thing is pretty weird and I don't feel my normal self, I think this is co-dependency territory. But he needed to get out of that hateful situation, and where I live is quiet and calming. I'm holding on to the hope that he will come through it somehow and be able to be around his children again.

AgentZigzag Fri 23-May-14 22:14:08

21 days? That's such a long time to wait, hope he (and you) can hang on in there that long.

How have you been since Tuesday?

I'm the same and like to isolate myself, it's much less stressful, I can just about bare (bear?) DH/DDs grin but having anyone else round, let alone to stay, is impossible.

I'm sure your DS leaning on you now doesn't necessarily mean it'll be a long term thing, maybe the peace and quiet where you live will give him the head space he needs to start thinking where his life is going to go?

violetsrblue Sun 25-May-14 19:26:25

Things are awful today, I just don't want to be here. I've taken vallies and zoppies, just to take the edge off. Can't really sort out what to say as my head feels fuzzy now. Really just want to rest, sleep if I can.

AgentZigzag Mon 26-May-14 23:50:15

Sorry to hear you had a bad day yesterday, hope things have been better today.

Is your DS being there making it more difficult? Even though it makes other parts better because you're not constantly wondering where he is/what he's up to.

violetsrblue Tue 27-May-14 20:21:42

It's been a lot better today. Sunday was awful because I had a stressful meeting with his ex who is staying in the area for a week and then DS disappeared and was in a pub all afternoon and evening. I felt incredibly stressed and full of rage towards him, which came over as coldness. I put some things in place though later, including getting my bedroom back, just watching TV in bed which is how I chill out. Today he went to a AAmeeting. We have a traumatic past and it keeps coming up between us, which is really mentally tiring. I can't believe it takes 3 weeks to be seen, we've just been left and no family have contacted us. On the plus side I've got another DDog to look after now and he's very sweet.

violetsrblue Wed 28-May-14 23:21:02

This is awful. Absolutely fucking awful. I feel like I have lost him his children now because his ex was using me as a go-between and today I just snapped and texted her they must sort out between them (ie him seeing his children). I can't control this situation. It's making me ill, mentally ill. No-one in real life gives the slightest shit about me or him. The whole thing is reminding me of all the abusive situations I've been in in the past.

violetsrblue Wed 28-May-14 23:27:04

I wish to God he had never come back with me because I am going to end up kicking him out. How stupid was I to think I could save him. Maybe I will leave and just give him my flat. I feel so, so abandoned by my so-called caring family. I can't understand why they've abandoned him as well, unless they are despicable weak hypocritical shits.

AgentZigzag Thu 29-May-14 00:36:25

You've done everything you can to give him a fighting chance to get his head round what he's going through, nobody could ask more of you.

It's scary shit to feel as though you're in free fall.

Is there anything you can do to try and avoid the worst case scenario, ie you lose your rag and boot him out or have to go through trying to support him totally on your own.

Is there any chance you could talk to him about moving somewhere near you? So he's not too far but you'd have some breathing space too.

Even though they might seem like they'd be no use, could you ask any of your family to put him up for a bit? Could you just look at asking them as only getting this for your DS rather than any kind of interaction with them (if that'd be too difficult for you at the min).

If something has to give sometimes it's possible to channel which way you'd rather it play out.


violetsrblue Sat 31-May-14 14:17:48

Thanks for replying ZigZag. Yesterday was better although hectic because he has been going to AA meetings this week. I think that gave me some hope and made me feel less alone. But really he doesn't want to stop and that's the bottom line, so I imagine the desire to go to AA is going to fizzle out.

The absolute worst thing is being woken up in the night when he comes in. Last night it was because the dogs
started barking when they heard him come in. I already take 15 mg of Zopiclone at night plus Trazodone and I ended up taking another 15mg of Zopiclone plus 10 mg of Valium because I was too stressed to go back to sleep.

I can't really see any family member taking him in while he's like this, also his alcoholic cousin would hone rightin on him if he went anywhere near them.

You're right I need totry and channel which way this is going to play out, feels like there's just so much destruction all round at the moment. Weekends are hard because all the medical people are not there (not that they've been any help really).

Not every day is bleak but when the bleak ones are here, it's hard.

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