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Just putting it somewhere

(105 Posts)
Jecede Mon 21-Apr-14 23:26:47

Tomorrow I'm going to end my life I've been planning it all week. Everyone has said how much better I'm looking and doing, but the calm is all down to me knowing there's an end point where I don't have to go beyond.
I have a plan and a back up plan in case it goes wrong.
This post is incredibly self indulgent, but no one knows and I suppose I needed to put it down somewhere.
It's pointless saying to contact MH services and so on, as I don't actually want to be stopped and besides, you say anything and they don't take it seriously anyway. You can't really mean it if you're telling them.
I've made sure everything is in order. No one suspects a thing. My head's not clouded with pills and for the first time in a long time, everything is clear and calm. I'm just totally at peace with the whole thing.
I've written very clear notes and instructions to everyone who matters or needs them. While there's no way of making it better, I can make it easier.
There's not really much else to say really, is there. The world is not a bad place, I just don't have the energy to do it anymore.

HugAndRoll Mon 21-Apr-14 23:30:53

Please don't. I was you just over a week ago and some wonderful people on here basically saved my life. I still have a plan and still get those intrusive thoughts, hell I still self harm! But the point is I'm still here.

Do you have family/children/friends? Anyone in RL you can talk to. I know what you mean about mental health services, they're crap at a lot of things but please, put this off for a week at least and consider all your other options. What difference will it make?

tumbletime Mon 21-Apr-14 23:31:16

I have no idea how to help you but please please don't do this. There must be someone you can talk to in RL that can help in some way? what has happened to make you feel this is the best option for you?

MellowMarshmallow Mon 21-Apr-14 23:32:36

I am so sorry you feel this way. You sound like you have felt this way for a long time. Please please talk to someone in real life. Your life is precious and important. There is so much you will contribute to the world and happiness to come for yourself and those you love when you choose to keep on living. You've written notes so there must be people that you know care about you.

CheesyBadger Mon 21-Apr-14 23:33:08

Please don't do this and please keep talking to us.

Jecede Mon 21-Apr-14 23:41:28

You're very kind, but as I said, this is incredibly self indulgent. Attention seeking BS annoys the crap out of me, but here I am doing it.
It's pointless trying to get help. Pointless.
I've never found it that easy to talk about things, have a total lack of sympathy for those around me and can't bear whining, which is why I'm annoying myself so much and why I'm just had enough. I'm bored of being this needy bloody idiot.

HugAndRoll Mon 21-Apr-14 23:46:47

It's not whinging, talk to us, tell us what's going on. It may be cathartic.

MellowMarshmallow Mon 21-Apr-14 23:47:08

Even if you are a needy bloody idiot, we all have times when our physical or mental health lets us down and we cannot be the person we imagine we should be. But you won't feel this way forever. No physical or mental state lasts forever (except death), one day you will feel better, and be less needy, then as you grow stronger you may come to a point where you are able to reach out and help someone else in need.

Don't do this.

FriendlyFeatures Mon 21-Apr-14 23:49:05

That's the problem with mental health difficulties though Jecede, it can seem like you are being self indulgent, youre not though!
Who would you be leaving here? I get from your post that you are no longer taking any meds and that you have a clear plan of how to kill yourself, is that right?

nonameisgoodname Mon 21-Apr-14 23:52:27

I've been where you are. More than once. Would you speak to me on the phone if that would help?

Jecede Mon 21-Apr-14 23:57:14

It is self indulgent though, posting this. What do I hope to achieve? It's a pointless act.

Yes, clear plan and a back up plan. I've researched. The first is the most certain and the second is the second most successful.

I stopped the meds a while ago, but have no idea whether i was ill or ok before and whether the stuff that happened after is withdrawal or not. Everyone thinks I'm taking them again, but I'm not as frankly they're part if the problem not the cure. I can't live on them. I can't breathe in my life.

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:00:33

You're kind, but I don't want to talk in RL.

I could call Samaritans, I could call a friend, I could call crisis. Hell, I could even wake OH. But talking makes you a liar. I can't do this in RL. I can't put that burden in people and how vile am I for putting it onto the minds of random internet people, it's a horrible thing I'm doing.

nonameisgoodname Tue 22-Apr-14 00:01:26

Have you tried other meds? Different types of therapy? Samaritians? There ARE other ways to deal with what feels like unending pain that aren't as final.

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:01:58

If you are so clearer since stopping your meds and you were not sure about if you were ill before dont you think you should wait..what if your head is so clear because this is you feeling better how do you know for sure?

FriendlyFeatures Tue 22-Apr-14 00:03:20

Have you ever seen a Psychiatrist Jecede?
What about your family, who will you leave behind?
I have been where you are now n several occassions but have somehow got through, what do you think is stopping you from being rational about this right now>

nonameisgoodname Tue 22-Apr-14 00:04:19

Do you have a safety plan? What does it say for you to so when you feel this way?

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:06:40

Yes excellent CBT. Excellent. Help with a traumatic event.
Antipsychotics, anti depressants, mood stabilisers, benzos, Zopiclone. I have cupboards bursting with them.
I'm just so very bloody tired with the whole bloody thing.

lilypie13 Tue 22-Apr-14 00:08:48

Please think twice about this , why don't you wake up oh and talk to them about how your feeling ?

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:09:56

Yes I have a safety plan. I'm meant to call crisis, but there's no point.

What has helped you before when you feel this way?
Can you wake your OH?
What can you do to distract yourself?
What's stopping you from doing it right now?

It's not part of the plan.

Ok, well get duty to call you tomorrow.

FriendlyFeatures Tue 22-Apr-14 00:11:30

I honestly get that you are tired, really I do. I have had years of to being too tired and fighting that constant urge to kill yourself is so very tiring, but come on, you know that having a plan to kill yourself is very worrying, that rational part of you isnt kicking in just now
Do you have children Jecede?

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:12:01

I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for your family. Any suffering you have will end tomorrow, but at a huge cost - everyone who loves you will suffer for a lifetime.

I suppose you have already considered that, and you are willing to pay that price.

Remember, whatever you are feeling right now is not guaranteed to be forever. The pain your family will go through will.

Again, I'm so sorry.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:13:13

May I ask why you are telling us?

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:14:00

I know how it feels when you want to get away from yourself because you dont know or feel who you are anymore, if that makes sense to you...but listen you can. YOU can rebuild yourself but you have choose it, you are in control of redefineing who you are but you need time

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:15:13

Smething must have helped before as you are still here

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:16:07

Why am I telling you? Because I'm selfish. Because despite having everything in order and organised and planned and despite having lived almost two lives for the last week while I prepared and waited for the opportunity, I had to tell someone. It's pathetic isn't it.

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