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Trigger warning abuse.(3 Posts)
As a child of 8 years old my mothers boyfriend sexually abused me in every way possible in a very violent way. He told me I was a whore who made men think unnatural things. I won't go into details as it's too triggering. Well I go on a abuse forum where people share explicit stories of the abuse they experienced.
I was reading a thread about someone who's father sexually abused them and it was so similar to what my dad used to do I realised he sexually abused me too.
I only used to see my dad a few times a year as he lives abroad but he used to take me on holiday usually to Orlando. My mum was very poor and my dad always used to spoil me with pretty clothes. When I was twelve he started buying them on the proviso that I changed in front of him. He used to follow me in the bath and wash my back and as he was doing it his hands would slide round to my breasts. He told me he was going to teach me what a masseuse should and shouldn't do. He would tell me to strip down to my knickers and hold a towel in front of me and lie down on the bed. He would then massage me rubbing the sides of my breasts and vagina and say I must never let a masseuse go that far. It stopped when I was 15.
Now what is upsetting me most is I was so badly abused as a 8 yo I must have lost my sence of sexual boundaries because I didn't know what he was doing was wrong. I thought because I was never made to do anything it was ok I also thought it was ok because he never made me touch him or have sex with him. I also believed it was fine because he was never violent. Now I am very scared my sexual boundaries are so fucked up I won't recognise abuse if it happens to my kids. I'm most upset and disgusted with myself because I never realised this was wrong I believed him when he sId he was teaching me so I wouldn't be abused.
I also stayed in a sexually abusive very violent relationship because I thought that's how you show love.
I'm so fucked up I just want to kill myself now I let my dad near my children not realising what he was thankfully I never left him alone with them. How do I reestablish my sexual boundaries and what is right and wrong?
OMG this is just awful for you FL - can I ask if you have had any therapy to help you with your past trauma. Your father may not have been violent but of course this was sexual abuse and of course he had the opportunity given that you were alone with him in another country.
People who are suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) talk of the benefit of a particular therapy (EMDR) you'd need to google it as I can't explain it very well. Apparently it is different to other therapies as you don't have to go all through everything that happened to you. Might be worth a look.
And please don't let your father ever be alone with your children because perpetrators of sexual abuse are predatory and will seek to satisfy themselves wherever and whenever they can.
So sorry you are feeling so bad. Can you see the GP to get some therapy or can you pay privately. Do you have any close friends or family who can support you.
There is another thread on this topic (just a few lines above yours, so you might find it helpful to talk to others who have suffered this childhood trauma and are having similar feelings to yours)
Thank you I've had therapy to deal with some of it. I have a psychiatrist I'm going to ask to be referred for further therapy to deal with this specifically as my other therapy was to deal with a Few different things. I'm going to cut contact with my dad. After therapy I may press charges if I feel strong enough. I will have a look at that thread thanks.
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