What to say to GP plz advise

[rainbowfeet]

Hello, I'll try to keep this short
I'm not sure if it would be classed as depression but I think I've been ill for a long time. How I can best describe it is I feel like I'm treading water trying to stay afloat but sometimes I feel so low or even a little thing goes wrong & it feels like I'm drowning! This shows itself by hours & hours of crying or what scares me more is I see a red mist & such rage... Not physical but I shout! (Hate myself for this & what it's doing to my kids)!
I have thoughts of wishing I could run away or wishing I had a terminal illness. Occasionally suicide enters my head (crying so hard as I type this) ... I'm an LP I'm so scared the GP will call social services. I don't want to lose or leave my kids but life is so hard & I'm tired of it!
Do I say all of the above to the GP.. What will he or she think ... I'm sure I need help as the low moments are overtaking the better moments but I'm scared to admit it as it feels like I'm letting it win. Please help & tell me it will be ok?

[SnowyMouse]

Maybe take what you have written in with you, if all else fails you could give it to them. Perhaps ask for a double appointment so you have more time?

[rainbowfeet]

Thank you, do you think they will inform social services if they think I can't cope?
I feel like it's a constant battle to stay the right side of coping & I work hard everyday as I feel I owe it to my children but I cry a lot when I'm alone & some days I long to be somewhere on my own away from everything.
Does this sound like a mental illness or does everyone feel like this.. I just don't know anymore.. I try so hard to keep it all together but I'm scared one day I won't be strong enough.

[jojack17]

Hi rainbow, I'm no expert but from what you have said it sounds like depression to me and quite honestly, I think a prescription for an anti depressant could be just what you need. Like you, I resisted talking to the GP about how low I was feeling, and when I did speak to her and she suggested ADs, I resisted even harder. But honestly, once I started taking them, life has started feeling bearable again, and even good at times. I won't pretend they're a magic cure...I felt rotten for the first week on them, and they didn't help at all until about three weeks in, but now they are really helping me to feel more like my old self. I know I have a long way to go to cure my anxiety and depression, but I finally don't constantly feel like I have a great big black cloud constantly over my head. I really doubt that your GP would feel the need to speak to social services. I imagine that everyone on this board has felt, often, that they can't cope. And yet we do cope. Perhaps not brilliantly all of the time, and yet our kids love us and flourish. Take care rainbow, and speak to your GP ASAP. Things can get better, promise.

[rainbowfeet]

Thank you so much, I've felt for a long time that I think I have a problem but I've been trying to battle through it because it scares me that I might not win & end up losing my children or somewhere I can't come back from. I carry a lot of guilt as I feel some of the things that cause me to feel sad or stressed are if my own doing & I should just try to get through it. But I often say to myself at the end of the end that it's another day done & another day closer to the end!!! That isn't normal is it. I so want to be happy & enjoy life.

[Wolfiefan]

Please don't feel guilty. If you are depressed then you are ill. Not your fault. Not your choosing. It doesn't make you a bad parent.
I agree you should talk to your GP. I (no expert here) can't imagine they would bother social services unless you said you intended to hurt yourself or your children.
It takes real courage to seek help but life can be better. You deserve to be wellxx

[jojack17]

I'm not sure what 'normal' is, but, no, I don't think it's right that you should be going to bed and having those thoughts. I think you can only battle on for so long by yourself and I honestly think that after a month on ADs, you may well be able to think a bit more straight and perhaps even begin to enjoy things a little bit. Please speak to your doctor...there is so much help out there, but you have to make the first step and reach out for it. Make that appointment first thing Monday...please. I am off to bed now, but will check back here Monday night and would love you to have updated with a post that you had made a Gp appointment.

[rainbowfeet]

Thank you for all your kind words.. Many things have happened in my life in the last few years.. Lost a child, marriage broke up etc.. None of those my fault but I have made some not so brilliant choices since then & they are what I feel guilty about.. Kind of like I've made my bed so I should lay in it type thing! Mostly feel bad for my dd 11yrs & that I'm ruining her childhood. Thank you once again.

[jojack17]

Hi rainbow, hope you made a doc app today?

[rainbowfeet]

I haven't I'm afraid... Spoke briefly to my mum & she implied there is nothing wrong with me & I'm just having a rough patch.. Everybody does!!
Had not such a bad week to be honest until today where I am feeling so on the edge.. It only takes something small to spark it & that's it I'm in a rage then slump, rage again at anything & then tears in between!! Today dd has triggered it with her pre-teen attitude problem which really upsets me as I only keep going for her anyway & I get zero respect in return!!!
I had plans for today with a friend she has called it off so now I face 2 weeks of desperate loneliness without the school run I don't speak to another adult! My worse times are weekends & this is going to be like a 14 day one!! What is the point in fighting anymore.. I'm a terrible mother anyway must be an awful person because I have nobody close to me supporting me.. I hate my life